A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We met online dating site. Agreed to close accounts once established relationship. He agrees exclusively, yet is still active on dating site! He denies any chatting or meetingsd x but refuses to close the account. . I was with him when he recieved a notification on his phone from match saying he had a message. I challenged him and he said he had cancellled and they must have automatically renewed his subscription. I told him I'm not happy he is on the site, and asked him to close it. But he denies being active and says he doesn't need to close the account. My friend knows someone on match and asked them to search for my man. Yep he was active. When I challenged him again, he was more defensive and angry saying I should trust him and that's why he won't close the account because I need to trust him. This lead me to trust him even less. I know it was wrong, but I had my friends friend to message him in false interest. He replied saying he is considering meeting her, he lied saying he wasn't in a relationship etc. I don't trust him, how can I now, but I really don't want to end the relationship. But I have to confront him with the messages. He can't see that it is not acceptable to be in a relationship and still chatting to others with intentions of meeting/dating etc!. He admits, he wouldn't be happy if I was still on match, so, how about I join right back up then?Would it be wrong of me to join back up? I have no desire to meet with anyone else, I believed I'd found my man, however, perhaps it would make him realise the hurt I'm feeling. Please advise
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2017): Let me add this. You must also be reminded that you were not really in an official relationship. You allowed your feelings to get ahead of the situation. You got attached. You needed advice in moving forward.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2017): On this you deserve and will get a much longer reply; because I anticipated how he might respond to you, if you took the advice to let him go.
He had a response ready and waiting. He knew that even if you got the strength to let him go; that there would still be some doubt. He knew he could turn it around on you and make you feel it was your fault. This situation is not a new one in your relationship. So he has had time to devise and rehearse a speech that he thinks will make you feel like dirt. I know it's working. That's good. You will develop an immunity to the toxin. It's part of the healing-process.
If you can't trust him, and your gut has been telling you all along that there is just something not right about this guy; then trust your gut. Intuition is part of the natural instincts nature gave women necessary for their survival.
His little speech doesn't mean squat if he has nothing to back it up with. Just because you have a good argument in your defense doesn't mean you're not guilty as charged.
You based your feelings and decision on evidence. You don't wait for something that hurts you to kill you before you give it up! Even if he is innocent, you never felt right with him; and it wasn't just based on the possibility that he is or might be cheating. He never gave you a sense of peace, and allowed you to feel free to relax and trust him.
Expect the heart not to give-up something you care about easily. Expect your emotions to scatter in every direction and make you doubt yourself. Expect him to keep throwing harsh remarks and criticisms to scorn you for dumping his ass. It's because not only have you given him the final boot, you showed strength. You let him know that even though you may love him, he doesn't own you or your soul. You do have the strength to get over him, and you can move on.
There is no relationship when there is no trust. I'm not talking about stupid people who don't trust anyone if you dumped a truckload of trustworthiness on top of them. Trust-issue people make me sick. They carry baggage around and scatter it like fertilizer; poisoning and sabotaging their relationships. Making everyone who gives them a chance feel stupid for trying. Self-doubt will lie and make you wonder if you are one of these people. The answer is no!!! You've ignored red-flags, and lived in denial. The truth keeps popping-up in-front of you. You can't fight the truth.
Hell no, I'm not talking about those people! I mean when you give someone benefit of the doubt. You've turned your head in denial, in the name of love. You've forgiven and forgotten; but the same problem returns again and again. You find evidence sloppily left behind; because they feel so comfortable, and think you're the fool. That's what I mean, to make myself clear.
You will feel tortured. He will even make sense to you, because he will make a most compelling argument. That's to create doubt and to make you feel it's your fault. Even if it is, then you're doing him a favor. If you're the mess he says you are, why would he want you?!!
Stop reading his messages and ignore his calls. Going no contact is for the purpose of avoiding hurtful words and insults. It allows you to turn your thoughts inward and allows your detachment-process to begin. If he thinks you're crazy and caused all this; then take him at his word and move on. Do not give-in to the impulse to read his messages or to plead your case to over-justify your reasoning. That would only prove to him he still has power over your emotions and he will manipulate you. He will cause you even more agony in punishment for trampling his male-ego. He thought you were so desperate and grateful he gave you the time of day, you wouldn't have the guts to let him go.
Who's lucky for having who? If you made a mistake for giving him up, no problem. You'll do better next time. You'll see your own faults and correct them. You need time to step-back. He is no longer the center of your universe.
You've made your closing argument and you gave him enough for his closure. You now have the time to work on all those supposed weaknesses he so powerfully pointed-out to you.
Now is your time for reparation, self-improvement, independence, and rebirth. I know you're a mature-woman and often age is a factor that makes you feel you have to settle for whatever you get. That's not true. You have the benefit of experience which has taught you much about life; and one of the most important things we learn as we age is that life is way too short. People will steal the remainder of the best days of life we have left, if we let them.
Go for the quality of life. Date when you can, and do not consider being single to be isolation or solitary-confinement. Do not live-out your life in a constant manhunt; because you're too weak of a female to enjoy life unless you have a man to prop you up or to lean on.
Blessings come to good people, and those blessings come in many forms. It can be someone to love, peace and prosperity, or the opportunity to good for others. You can pursue your dreams that you put to the side to build your life around having a man. If God wants you to have a man; He'll bring you a good one. Prepare to be worthy. That man will deserve the best of you.
Go forward and start healing. If anything he said was true, then use it to improve yourself for someone better. Age does not deny you the opportunity to find someone who will love you. It gives you the wisdom to discern what is better for you; and sometimes it turns out being single is better than having someone denying you the chance to grow and enjoy your remaining days on earth. Never give-up hope. You can't read the future, but you can control your present in preparation for what comes next.
God bless you!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 May 2017):
 He hasn't answered no because he knows you have caught him out and now he is trying to guilt trip you and make it look like you are the one at fault. Believe me you should be glad you got rid off this one as he sounds like a nasty person who is playing with your mind and heart.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2017):
 No, he hasn't answered. He cannot. Because, at the end of the day, whether he actually met these women or not, or sent them explicit offers or not, etc.etc.- it boils down to the simple fact that he WAS on a dating site, while supposedly being monogamous and committed to you, his " girlfriend ". A dating site is not the place to be for someone in a committed relationship , period. Intellectual curiosity, innocent passtime ?... There are dozens of better, more intelligent ways in which a committed man in a steady relationship can engage his intellect and while away his free time.
It's funny, the way he uses the " self- fulfilling prophecy " argument. So, it's your suspecting and mistrusting which caused him to approach other women... BEFORE you even started suspecting him ?
That's definitely worth a chuckle. Which you probably you don't feel like having right now, while you are still upset because of his last message- but hopefully you'll have quite soon, when you realize that by losing this guy, you haven't lost much, or anything at all.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 May 2017):
 Yep, I'm with N91
He was trying to guilt trip you into thinking YOU are in the wrong. GLOSSING over (or rather omitting) his own behaviors)
All you can do OP, is think to yourself GOOD riddance, I can do better and HIS loss, and then STOP giving HIM another thought.
Shake it off and try again with SOMEONE else.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 May 2017):
 Sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you, don't give in.
Nice of him to call you fucked up also. Sounds like a great guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you all for your replies and advice, as always greatly appreciated.So, last night I finally ended things. He could not even answer me, to explain, why he is still on the dating site. So, I explained why I couldn't trust him for his lies and hiding things, and simply because of his tonal lack of respect for me, as his 'girlfriend'. I told him I was not prepared to be used until something better comes along, whilst he searches for 'the one'. Anyway, heartbroken, this morning I recieved his text message....."you have spent so much time and energy trying to prove to yourself that I am a cheat, trying to catch me out, in the end you have proved to yourself what you suspected all along! You've realised your fears, what a shame all that negative energy couldn't have been channelled into something positive ,I'm sorry it's ended like this it's up to you, believe me or not, I did not, and have not renewed my subscription. I am not and was not looking for anyone online.You think that proved that I replied to messages, Iit just proves that you are fucked up. I won't be played I want a better life. If that makes you right, be right . I can't do this, sorry" " So, my lovely supportive audience, am I missing something here? All I asked was, why are you still on the dating site if we are in an exclusive relationship? He hasn't answered that question even now, has he?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2017): Hey guys, thanks for your replies and advice. So, I confronted him, he still denies and twists away from answering the simple question, "why are you still active on a dating site if we are exclusive?" I ended it last night, but this morning recieved his text,,, " you have spent so much time and energy in trying to prove to yourself I am a cheat, trying to catch me out. In the end you have proved to yourself what u suspected all along, you've realised your fears, what a shame all that negative energy couldn't have been channeled into something positive.i messaged that person with the intention of receiving her number to tell her no thanks, as I suspected it might be a "trap" . Yes I am naive to even message, I am sorry it ended this way. But, for the last time, and believe what you want to believe, I did not, have not renewed my subscription. I am not/ was not looking for anyone online. Genuinely sorry it ended this way, but trust is important, someone who spends so much time trying to prove mistrust, is seriously asking to find it, but you won't find the truth" ... well well, some meaningful words there, although, I wonder if anyone else can see he is still ever evasive? I appreciate what he says about trust, but it has to be earned, and all he did was feed mistrust by lying and hiding things. Surely if he had just shiwn his account subscription where it shows when you made last subscription payment and when due, it would prove the trust. But no, he refused to do that. Why? So le answer I think, am I wrong?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 May 2017):
I can understand that you want to be with someone but why would you allow this man to treat you like this? He is a grown man and he knows that it is not okay to talk to other women on a dating site, but he is still doing it because he is still actively looking to meet another woman. Am afraid he is just not as in to you as you are to him. That is a bitter pill to swallow but you need to accept it. You also need to end things with him because he should be told he cannot use you until he finds someone else. End things with him. It will never work as you don't trust him and well he wants to play the field.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (10 May 2017):
My advice .. get your friend to continue messaging said bf . Make a date and then she can take you along as moral support . When you see him gasp and act all how can you do this to me .. maybe that will give you the power to walk away . Him actually doing it and you seeing him do following through with it ..
Friend zone him . I would . And met someone who does want only you !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): Ok i am going to be harsh- how in the world can you be so naive? You are practically begging this guy to take you for a ride. He is a liar. A cheater. Get out!!!! It isn't that complicated. It is only going to get worse. Don't be stupid about this.
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A
female
reader, Isolatedgothicprune +, writes (9 May 2017):
This man is NEVER going to realize the hurt you are in. His feelings seem to be the only ones that matter. I can promise you, if you go through with your confrontation, he is going to deny, become angry, blame you, justify, swear he had no idea, accuse you of snooping...the list goes on and on. You'll listen, believe him, and beat yourself up over it. Any man who does what this one is doing is not a good catch for you or for anyone else. He is lying to you! Do you see that? He is flat out lying to you, to your face! Do you have children? If so, would you want them dating someone who can lie to them and deceive them this way? My guess is you are always thinking of others, and never thinking of you. My guess is that somewhere in your life, you were taught that you are wrong about things - your feelings, your perceptions, your life. It's time to get off that crazy train. It's time for you to see this man for who he is - a bat crap crazy liar. He does not value you. Why would you want that? I know you don't. I do. I understand where you are coming from. Pickings are slim, and this one seemed like the right one. He isn't, though. He is the wrong one. He will take your heart and damage it worse than it maybe has ever been damaged before. Don't confront him. Don't make him see what pain he's put you in. Just cut him off, hard and fast, and change your number. Some other poor woman can deal with him. Don't make that poor woman you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): I wouldn't tell him you asked someone to message him, he'd only lie his way out of it and say he was just trying to be polite, and he'd say that is why he is on, because you don't trust him.
If he cared about you, he would cancel his account as agreed. You shouldn't have to ask him multiple times, he should be happy to do so. I certainly wouldn't like dating and getting serious about a man who remains on a dating site.
I'd tell him if he can't remove his profile, you don't want to get anymore emotionally involved with him. And let it go at that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): Have you and him establish if you two are in an open or close relationship? How do you display to him that you are exclusively dating him? I would suggest not mentioning to him again about him being on the dating site. I don't suggest having a friend visit his profile page because it is only going to make you more upset. I would begin smothering him with love and kindness.Be patient and in time if he is the one for you-you'll know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): Very simply answer here . Get yourself back on the site and start actively looking for someone who is serious about you.Surely if he sees you there he wouldn't dare ask a thing !!! Obviously they debeaked your account too right !!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): It is very hard when you have feelings for a man.I hear you.I do understand.Because of these feelings, it is hard to end it. Because you are afraid you will never feel this way again. Afraid you will never find someone else like him. Afraid because you don't want to be alone. Afraid because you don't want to let go of the man YOU think is "the one." But you know better now, don't you? Is it not obvious and clear by his actions that he is NOT the one?Think about it. Is it not hard on you dealing with the pain of this man's inability to stay faithful to you? The fact he does not love you or even care about you enough to not entertain the thought of being with other women? AND going out of his way to pursue them or encouraging them when they pursue him?He is telling other women he is available. That means he is not committed to you. And that means he does not see a future with you. That means he is not into you the way you are into him. WHY does he stay with you? Because you are having sex with him and you give him some companionship. But he does not feel he has enough of an emotional attraction to take the relationship to the next level. Even if you do, he does not. And he is the one who is choosing to see other women. When a man is happy with who he is with, if he feels they are a match, that they have a connection, that he has a future with this woman, he will jump to commit to her. He will become exclusive willingly. You would not have to twist his arm or plead with him. He would not be wishy washy. He would not invent excuses. He would not keep casting his fishing line into the water, hoping to see who will bite. A man who wants you and only you will show you by his actions. And his actions will be consistent. He will want to claim you. He will want to claim you so no other man can have you. He is not doing any of this. He is just paying you lip service so that you keep putting out while he is still having his thrills on the side. He is a very selfish man.Why does he do this? Besides being a rotten human being? Obviously he has issues. Obviously he is insecure. There is not one woman on earth who can ever love a broken man enough to change him. Not a one. But the problem is many of us seem to think so. It won't happen. The sooner you realize this, the better.Many men who have low self esteem, this loser included, have to shop around for women constantly and need the adoration of many. They need to feel like they matter. Like they are attractive. Vital. Men are programmed from when they are boys to think they are studs the more women they bang or show interest in banging them. Deep down, they do not think they are all that and use women to boost their self esteem. These men lack confidence despite them letting you think they are the exact opposite: lady's men. That they are not. Nor are they real men. Real men know how to commit to a woman without being led around by their dicks, forever seeking validation in woman after woman. Someday when their game is up, and their age stares them in the face, they end up lonely old men. Because they have never fixed themselves. They never looked deep enough. They just put a band aid on and repeated the same old behavioural patterns. And so, THEY are the common denominator in all their failed relationships. You are not the one to save him. You cannot and you will never change a man like this. Perhaps to you he presents a challenge. You keep chasing him because you are worthy of love and you are trying to win him over. You try harder and harder. And it becomes more and more frustrating as you start to see the reality of the situation but are doing your best to push away the inevitable. Nobody wants to see the guy they are with is a filthy player. It kills our dreams and our fairy tale ending. And it makes us feel lousy about ourselves. Like we are nothing. And not good enough. But we ARE good enough. It's HIM who IS NOT.Sometimes we need to wake up. For our own sake. Our own sanity. You will continue to go around in circles with this man and nothing will ever change. You will continue to be miserable while he continues to deny his wrong doings. And he will keep seeking other women while you huff and puff. But he knows you won't blow the house down because you have been crying wolf all along. And you are still there. Putting up with his behaviour.Sorry, but you can keep writing here and asking the same thing. Deep down, you know what to do. Doesn't mean it is easy. But you can do better.Yes, re-activate your account. Start dating other men. WHY? Because this is GOOD for you. Because this man does not meet your standards or your needs for a relationship. And at the end of the day, YOU need to look after YOURSELF and your own best interests. After all, he does not give a damn.LOVE YOURSELF MORE!You know you can do it.Find the strength.Just walk away.You are GOOD enough and that is why you have to leave this man. Because he does not think you are. Your self esteem is what should kick his ass to the curb.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): This gets a short reply. How much denial and refusal do you need from this guy before you let go? You think confrontation and intimidation is going to straighten him out?
End it!!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2017):
 EEK! Typo! I meant to say "he is lying and seeing people beHIND your back."
Something for you for the future:
My husband has a cousin who just got married about three months ago and we were at a family get-together last month, and they met on Match and they're so happy together that we were all good-naturedly clanking our glasses to kiss each other, and pretending to roll our eyes at their PDA.
She was at first embarrassed about letting all of the cousins know that they met online, but we were all so happy that she opened right up about it. They actually had a "Account closing" party of two at his place where they bought champagne, pulled out their ipads, and closed it down together simultaneously and then toasted each other with the champagne. That was the coolest impromptu ceremony I've ever heard of!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 May 2017):
Seriously?
Are you that desperate to be with someone that you would let someone openly tell a woman on a dating site that he would be open to meeting her and that he's not in a relationship?
Do you think you can have a relationship with someone you can't trust? Come on, be realistic here. This guy sounds like an absolute waste of space. Remove him from your life and find someone that has RESPECT for you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2017):
Don't confront him with the "false set up". You don't HAVE to confront him. And he DOESN'T have to remove his profile. Because? He will need it soon.
YOU might not WANT to end it, after all the work you have put into this relationship - but he is using manipulations and lies to get what he wants.
He NEVER intended on canceling. While you two "agreed" on it, he had his fingers crossed behind his back. He said what he FELT you wanted to hear.
Then when he got caught, not ONCE but twice - he USED having the account as a MEAN to "make" you trust him. Basically what he is saying is, I'M not done looking - I'M not going to get off dating sites for you - YOU will just have to "trust" (AKA SUCK IT UP) me.
Don't you want a man in your life who RESPECTS you? Who says what he means and mean what he says? Who doesn't LIE when caught out? A guy who WILL replace you in a heartbeat of you become too "demanding" or he just sees someone he likes "better".
YOU CAN do better than this, OP. OR... you can WASTE your precious time on a man who ISN'T serious about YOU. After all, IF HE WAS he wouldn't STILL be looking.
Sorry, OP it might not be what you want to hear, but personally? I'd end it. I would tell him that you thought the two of you had something and that YOU were willing to give it a serious go, he, however, wasn't - THAT is clear by his words, deeds, and actions. THEN you wish him well, BLOCK him and try again.
If you could find one man you felt was decent and had chemistry with... YOU can find another. There are PLENTY of single men out there WHO wants a loving and lasting relationship with just ONE person.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2017):
DO NOT waste your time with this guy. While auto-renews do happen, this guy took it a step too far and you now have the evidence that he is lying and seeing people being your back. In this case, there IS no relationship now. Your "exclusivity" was all a lie, and he lied to you when he pretended to pull his Match profile (or at the very least HIDE the profile which would have still been acceptable!), but he's lying about his relationship status and answering messages, so he is NOT exclusive.
Don't screw around and say "Well I'll get back on and see how he feels about it" because you really won't be hurting anyone but yourself. He's playing games, and you can't out-play a player. You can't outlie a liar, and if trust is already destroyed, there *IS* no relationship.
So end it. You may not want to, but it's the only response to blatant unfaithfulness. Anything else and you are showing him that he can walk all over you, and that your word and your wishes mean NOTHING.
Show him the evidence and tell him it's over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2017): I suggest you get back on Match.com and start looking for a new guy. Then when you find one dump this guy. It is exactly what he is doing. You are not in an exclusive relationship with him, and now you know that for sure. It is time you start dating other people too.
He is still looking, so should you be. I know it hurts and that you seem to like this guy, but he does not feel the same way about you. Actions speak louder than words. He has broken your trust, and has done nothing to earn it back. You cannot "just" trust him because he wants you to. That would be dumb, not to mention pretty impossible.
So sorry this happened to you. You deserve better, please go out and find better.
R
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