A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has just asked me to marry him. Problem is I don't trust him completely. He acts weird sometimes, what i mean is he acts like he shouldn't be looking, or he enjoys watching/looking at younger than me women/girls ( thaey are usually between 8-23 or so). He does it sometimes/fairly often. When I say that I mean if he sees a group of young girls he will look at them just a little longer than i consider "right", he seems to be a little "too" interested in what they are doing.He has said he has always wanted a daughter...I am worried a little if it is more than just wanting a daughter... I must admit I have mentioned something to him and he, thinks it is : "yuck" that I would ever consider such a thing. It is funny because he never seems to actually leer at them.. but more seems to be captured/ uncomfortable by some of them.Or just interested in watching them! He is quite an anxious guy and can be a bit controlling, he is quite "book- smart" and quite competitive in this way ( but aren't most of these book-ish men?...) He used to look after his brothers kids ( when his brother was married 2 boys and a girl) and his brother got divorced and it was messy. He told me she accused him, his brother and his nephew of acting inappropriately with the girl/ niece, this was mentioned when they were sorting out where the kids were going to live. It happenee that she diod not present to this family court appearance . threfor contempt of court adn no legal discussion was had. I think it was out of court they decided the boys ended up living with the father and the girl lived with her for 18 months and then she allowed her to visit him ( his brother) and his family?. My boyfriend has denied doing anything and his mother advised for him at this time to just make sure he was never alone with her. THis happened about 8 years ago. I have met her anbd she seems fairly well adjusted, she is certainly a young woman now (16/17. I have found that the way his brother behaves with her sometimes is for me bordering on inappropriate ( although I have only ever seen them together several times) he is just too much in her personal space when he has spoken to her. And his tone has almost been flirtaous. My boyfriend has spoken with her in that tone before once too. He has a one male friend I can talk to, no other girlfriends I can bounve things off.Or vouched for. Sometimes I wonder if i'm being too paranoid. I haven't spent alot of time around teenagers and parents of family interacting with them. I am 33. But I never liked an older male flirting with me. Although I had a special uncle friend that I used to hold hands with. Who was friends with my grandparnets and he ran his hand up along my thigh once when I was about 8-12. CXan't remmber how old I as. And I have never forgot. I love my boyfriend, and don't want to believe anything like this about him. Am i in denial or am i over reacting? He is not very open so it took ALOT for him to tell me this.He has also told me that his grandfather (that died when he was 8) had showed his p***s to his older brother when he was bathing him.Am i just being paranoid? I met a man appros 10yrs ago who had many secrets which came out of him once we were living together nad when he had been drinking...( some ...he had a past which involved him when he was living in another country he wwas in a gang which used to injure people ( beat them up, ... if they didn't pay up money to his boss. I have had a bad experience and i do not want repitition!This is really hard.I don't know what to say to him, If I should get counselling, If he shpould get counselling with me/I am worried, I am stressed, I feel gulkilty and I feel concer ned. How do I trust him completely? What do I do? Some times I worry it is my gut intsict telling me something. What to do?I would appreciate any advice ( big or small) to help me make some good choices. Sorry if my spelling is not so good. I am just feeling a little stressed..Thank you to anyone who takes the time to write
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I'm not sure why you want to back track on what you said. I think you were quite deliberate in typing some 800 plus words. It would appear three separate objective responses came to similar conclusions about what you said. To me, the fact that you came here proves you are concerned about what you are observing and it came across clearly in what you wrote and how we responded.
Sure, no wants to think that the person you love is this way and that you've spent all this time together, buy I think if you fail to heed what you yourself have observed and what your instincts are telling you, then you just may be in for more severe or dire consequences. I just hope you are not simply trying to fool yourself in wanting to back track on what you said and felt and pretending that it doesn't bother you any longer.
What it comes down to is that you do not appear truly comfortable with this man. Why would you want you be married while feeling that? Don't let some idealized notion of marriage which may have little to do with the reality of your situation deceive you.
This is certainly a tough decision for anyone entrenched in a relationship, however, this may be the time to be strong and free yourself from this nagging discomfort. If what you told here has any bearing on reality, then what you felt and are feeling would probably be felt by most anybody in a similar situation. The only thing though as objective answers, we don't have any affiliation or connection to this man, thus, we are not swayed by that involvement. Responses were based on what you provided, so again, unless you lied or provided false information, I don't see how you could expect responders to see any differently.
Certainly
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I wrote the question:
I feel terrible now, i feel like a horrible person saying these things about him. I am so confused. What is wrong with me? why do i attract losers.
He is a good guy. Am I indenial , I don't know.
I feel so depresed. This is horrible.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (17 January 2011):
I think deep down you know the answer to your own question.
While you have had a bad experience in the past, I don't think what you have observed with your current boyfriend has anything to do with that. I think your observational skills are fine and you have every reason to be concerned as your boyfriend does sound like a weirdo.
Frankly, while you don't come out and say it, you're wondering if your boyfriend is a pedophile and/or a potential pedophile. This is more than weird, frankly, it is scary. If you are having these concerns now, I couldn't imagine what you would be feeling were you to have kids together, especially if one were to be a daughter.
Be confident in yourself, your observations, and your instincts. I don't think anyone would feel any differently if they were in your shoes. My only concern to stay involved would be to notify the authorities should you have witnessed anything more direct and/or criminal.
You're still young, there are better potential partners for you out there. No need to settle for someone (and related family) that gives you the creeps. Also, in all what you wrote, I don't think you mentioned one redeeming quality about your boyfriend. Your spider senses are tingling non-stop, but frankly you don't want and don't need to prove them right at some time in the future when potentially married and with children. From what you've indicated, you may just be creating your own worst nightmare...in reality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You don't mention whether you have agreed to mention this guy? Either way my advice to you is absolutely do not marry this guy. There is one thing you are ignoring and its your gut instinct. There are plenty of indications that there are problems of an incestuous or bordering incestuous nature in your boyfriends family. The trouble is you are needing something massive, something so concrete so you can get out of this situation. So far everything has been about maybe's and possibles and just small incidents that you could excuse or not excuse - its diffifult. As isolated one offs they can be ignored but its time to realise that these things are trying to tell you that something is absolutely not right. I am surprised that his 'interest' in younger girls has not put you right off him sexually yourself. I would be repulsed even at the possibility of it. When you marry someone please remember that you do not just marry them you marry their entire family. If you have any doubts about trust then it is not the right thing to do to get married and I don't think you are at an age (with respect) that you want to waste years of your life with the wrong man. There are so many men out there that would not cause you this worry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): umm sorry but its creepy i wouldnt marry the guy if i ever ever had a feeling that something was wrong in this manor the things that were the way you described should be a red flag...i get that you love him but sometimes people are sick...i dont know you or the guy but i wouldnt date or marry him....i know what you might be thinking ...you dont want to lose him and if you broke up with him and he wasnt sick then you lost someone you love....but what would be worse if you two had children and he did something horrible how would you feel ...you knew something was wrong all along..people that look at children have a problem they need help before something happens...and of course he would say he thinks its gross...those are deep dark secrets that he knows he would be able to be open with....i hope you figure it out
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