A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey my boyfriend has had a very bad past. he has had a lot of girls that slept with him and co he was a bit of a player. he was really tempted to luk at girls n touch them and he was a real flirt. ive bin 4 him 4 3 years now and he says that he has changed and i believe that too, cos he has really changed. but about 2 weeks ago my friends pranked him and started talkin dirty, after a little insistance he joined in with her talkin dirty. i broke up with him after that. but 2 days later he told he how he regrets his mistake and he would do anything to get back with me and how his lifes unbearable without me, i felt exactly the same, i done terrible in my exam cos i was missing him so badly, so i went back with him. i always trusted him blindly, but now i dont. i get so paranoid. wen im not with him i think crazy stuff like he might be with a girl flirting and touching her up etc. i kno he would never cheat on me though 4 sure, but just like flirting and touching. i just dont trust him anymore. and the thing is i cant even break up with him cos i cant live with without him, im so used to him that a day without him is like hell. i really dont know what to do, im going paranoid xxx
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 I don't think you're going paranoid, dear poster. I think you're simply beginning to realize that your boyfriend's behavior offers little guarantees. You know that he could flirt and touch other girls any moment, which is a way to say that you're afraid he could cheat on you.
Relationships need trust to exist. You need to give your significant other space to be himself or herself; you can't watch their every movement or control their every thought. And that is so because you love the person and want him/her to be a complete individual. You take a chance on that person and trust him/her.
That said, trust is also something that the other party needs to give, too. A flirting boyfriend isn't exactly someone who can demand trust. He doesn't create the conditions for trust to exist.
You mention that you're so used to him that you couldn't live without him. I'm sorry to hear that, because I know how painful that is. I can tell you that we always think we won't survive the loss of someone we love; but we do. All people of a certain age are living proof of that. So, don't give up on yourself and don't think you can't survive is he's not around.
I would find it very difficult to know that I have a relationship with a flirt. Maybe I'm too strict, but I don't think flirting is harmless. Everyone has eyes and wishes, so it's normal to notice that somebody looks great; but flirting involves going a step further, and acting on the attraction. Like Oldersister said, all people who cheat started flirting. There's a real chance your boyfriend will cheat on you.
It doesn't seem like he has really changed. You would know better, I guess. One question: did you notice a change in him only lately, or did you notice that before, ever since when you started?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): How do you know he was behaving while you were out? Did you have someone watching him? Probably not. Like I said, they just get better at hiding it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut generally hes a great boyfriend and he loves me a lot. i was away for a months holiday and he didnt cheat on me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): No, you're being a woman. We have internal instincts. If he is in his teens, his sex drive pretty much rules his life. Everytime I suspected a boyfriend doing something that I would be crushed over, hate to say it, I was right. This may not be the case for you, but young love is mostly a learning experience. You learn from these boys behaviors so that when you find the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, you are completely sure of what you want with little to no compramise. I've also learned that if he has a dirty past, it dosnt just go away, he just gets better at hiding it. I dont mean to be a bummer, but focus on you, dont let him effect school, because the man you spend the rest of your life with will be super happy with an intellagent, well rounded woman like you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): once a cheater...always a cheater
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