A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Adults only please; this questions is not suitable for young readers.My gf has grown to love rough sex that leaves marks. I oblige but I draw the line at anything visible - often neck hickies or love bits. I don't want others to either see her as a battered woman or to get ideas about our sex life. She brushes off these concerns saying that it's her body and that she can always cover up but she obviously can't if she has to go to the pool one day. Am I being unfair? Despite our talks it invariably comes up anyway in the heat of the moment. We're both adults in our thirties. I strongly suspect that I am her first (it's been a long road) and that she's going through the highschool discovery of unecesasrily rough hickies now but maybe this isn't a phase.
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female
reader, Betty Blue Eyes  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 I think people can tell the difference between love bites and physical abuse, it's not like your going to start punching her in the eye to get her aroused.
Is the worry about being accused of abuse the only thing stopping you doing it? Or is it the fact that it just isn't something that turns you on?
I personally don't find love bites and bruises a turn on, you can have rough passionate sex without leaving visible marks. I don't think women with hickies at her age are all that attractive, but who am I to judge. Do you think she's more attractive without love bites all over her?
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 The pool? I mean..you have about 8 months' worth of hickies to leave as far as I'm concerned!! Still you could do the back of the neck and bites around the clavicle if you really want to compromise. I personally think since she's the one that has to live with them on her body and she is wanting it, then you should do it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 But if you draw the line at giving love bites at anything visible- AND she is going to the pool wearing a bikini ,like most women do - then you restrict greatly the biteable areas. Basically, only buttocks and the lower half of her breasts.
I don't know , if it were me I would hate to make love ruler in hand , calculating the square surface I can suck or bite ... I'd feel more like a building surveyor than a lover... Sorry OP, I do not mean to have the arrogance to teach you, or anybody, how to make love, lol. Whatever works for you. Just saying, I think that in bed IF you let go , you let go...you do what you want, you cannot stay there and think about what unknown people at the pool , whose judgement and opinion means nothing to you, could possibly think.
Or else, you choose to use restraint, and to never ever get into anything that could leave visible traces ( which pretty much excludes any form of " rough " sex )- and that's a solution too.
But this half and half, I kiss you here I don't kiss you there .... maybe that's what your gf has a problem with . It sounds so NOT passionate, so not " in the moment ". Maybe- maybe- more than a juvenile need to show off hickeys as badges of honour , hopefully- she just would like to see you, at least every now and then, .. more overwhelmed, more "ohmyGod I can't stop myself ".... which of course does not happen if you DO stop and consider : "oh no, I can't kiss you HERE , people at the pool MAY think you are a battered wife..."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 You don’t have to participate in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or expose you to the risk of being accused of being an abusive partner.
When I had eyelid surgery on one eye (due to a large lump that interfered with my vision), I had an ENORMOUS black eye. I looked like I’d been punched in the eye.
More than one person gingerly asked if everything was going okay in my marriage. I expect a few more bit their tongues and just waited to see if there were any more clues to an abusive relationship. (P.S. There isn’t an abusive relationship.)
I totally understand why you’d be uncomfortable with leaving visible signs of injury or tissue damage. She may be fine with it but that doesn’t mean you are. You are permitted to balk at excessive force or causing soft tissue damage.
I think as you are adults in your 30s and have had this talk before, that you have it again. Suggest that seeing a sex therapist might help you get to a reasonable compromise. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com
The way you word the question suggests you are wondering if this has become something more of a fetish for her. You “suspect” you are her first? So you haven’t had that conversation either, or you believe she’s misled you in some way?
Again, no one should be forced to do something in bed that upsets or concerns them.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 November 2016):
 My boyfriend gives me love bites in places others won't see them. If you're okay with giving her love bites, tell her you are, but won't do them in places others will see.I don't think the public would assume she's battered, but most people prefer not to have others make assumptions about their sex lives.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2016):
 I think it's FAIR that you two agree to disagree.
I don't think you OWE her to leave marks on her body if that is something that you don't WANT to do. I would tell her that for YOU leaving marks/hickeys doesn't equal showing that you care.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (14 November 2016):
I agree with you... I would never leave visible marks. She may not be concerned...but there are people who are nosy enough to get into business, and turn it into a nightmare.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 But she isn't a battered wife, so what's the issue? If she likes rough sex and doesn't care about the marks she has then why is there a problem?
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