A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my partner have been together for just over 7 years. We have an 18 month old son. This year has really tested our relationship, well I’d say we started having arguments and stuff since having our son. The sleep deprivation was and still is tough, and has a massive affect on the relationship as I tend to get up with our son whilst my partner sleeps. Since the pandemic hit in March, my anxiety has gotten much worse and I avoid going out where possible. Every time I mention this to my partner he gets frustrated that my anxiety ruins our plans and ends up being annoyed with me. So I avoid telling him now and that makes it harder for me to cope with. Recently we had an argument because I didn’t want to go out due to feeling anxious. He said I need to ‘grow up and get over it and get my act together’, this made me feel awful! I explained that I don’t know why I feel the way I do and I don’t like the fact it stops me doing things I want to do, something as simples as food shopping. We ended up having an argument to which he said ‘you know where the door is’ - this made me feel so upset because I know he meant it. I asked where I was suppose to go with our child as we literally have no family to take us in and he said our son is staying with him.I just feel so lonely and I don’t think our relationship is going to last as he doesn’t want to try. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 December 2020):
 There seem to be a number of things going on here.
Firstly, don't make any major decisions based on an argument where heated words were exchanged. Few couples never have arguments. It is a temporary situation which will pass if you both choose to address the issues which caused it. Yes, it's hurtful to hear someone offering you the door, but it doesn't need to mean this is the end of your relationship.
Parenthood is not easy. Any parent will tell you that bringing a baby into a relationship puts pressures on both partners, even if the baby was very much wanted and is very much loved. This is why a baby should only be brought into an already very stable and tested relationship, as it can, and will, test the bonds very quickly. It is possible your relationship was very strong before the advent of your son. Sleep deprivation and sharing your life with a being who relies 100% on his parents for his needs is bound to cause friction. This is normal.
As you cope with most of the child care alone, is this because your boyfriend works while you stay at home, looking after your son? If so then he is probably feeling the pressure of providing for all three of you. He probably feels that, as he brings in the money, your contribution to this relationship should be taking care of the baby and looking after your home. This is fair enough up to a point but he cannot expect you to do 100% of the child care duties while his responsibility begins and ends with providing financial support. This is his child as much as yours and he needs to realise that your mental health situation will have a knock-on effect on your child. A happy girlfriend translates to a happy mother.
On a different note, this whole "pandemic" thing is dividing people into two distinct camps: those who refuse to allow a virus with a 99%+ chance of survival to control their lives and try to carry on as "normally" as possible, and those who (perhaps due to pre-existing anxiety issues, like yourself) are living each day in abject fear. Sadly each "camp" finds it difficult to empathise with or understand the other side. As you have probably guessed, I identify with the first outlook but, unlike your boyfriend, I do try to understand why people feel like you do. The government and the media are doing such a good job on instilling fear in everyone that it is difficult not to buy into it. Your boyfriend is frustrated because he is trying to keep living as normally as possible but is finding this impossible because of your fear. It's a shame he has failed to grasp that you cannot fight fear with fear. You can only fight fear with support and love. You cannot tell someone with a phobia of spiders for instance to "grow up" and "get over it". That is just not going to work. Same with your fear of what is going on in the world at the moment. You need understanding and support to learn to control your fear instead of allowing it to control you. Try putting it into perspective. Unless you have underlying health issues, your chances of surviving this virus IF you were to catch it are not far off 100%. Yes, people are dying of this, but the figures you see bandied about are not deaths FROM Covid but deaths WITH Covid (read the small print about people who tested positive within 28 days of death). Many of these people are dying from completely unrelated illnesses but, because they have tested positive at some time in the last month, their deaths are being included in the data. You have got more chance of being run over and killed than you have of dying from this virus. I am sure that never stopped you going out and enjoying yourself. Why? Because nobody was telling you that you should be afraid.
I have to question, why is sleep deprivation still an issue after 18 months? An 18 month old child should not be depriving you of sleep unless he is poorly or teething. What is going on here?
Have you considered you may be suffering from post natal depression? Have you spoken with your doctor about your feelings? This is something which can be debilitating but which mothers often just put up with, even though there is very real help available to get you through this.
In summary, try to figure out what it is exactly you are afraid of and why, then try to get help to learn to control this. Speak to your doctor about your anxiety to see if you can get help and support. Understand your boyfriend is probably feeling overwhelmed because, not only does he have a child to support, but he also has a girlfriend who is suffering with anxiety issues. He is not a therapist. He does not understand what is going on. This virus is putting pressure on everyone; now more than ever, we need to support each other and try to understand how others feel.
Wishing you all the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2020): Sweetheart, take a deep breath. The confinement and all the tension and anxiety associated with it is evident in just about every household. Each person copes with this harsh reality in their own way. Unfortunately, people seem to lean toward confrontation and exuding negative-energy more so than diplomacy and tact. I feel for you, truly I do; but if you're going to allow yourself to be overwhelmed and succumb to defeat by the virus, you're not likely to be encouraging to others around you. He didn't suddenly become verbally-abusive and insensitive because of the confinement, he's had it in him all along. Now you're both housebound together and new parents; you're just now starting to discover what your relationship truly is. He sounds resentful, and indifferent towards fatherhood.
You mention he's leaving most of the childcare to you. We get frequent posts from women about their partnerships with guys who are totally uninvolved with their own babies. If it's not in him, it's something that he will either have to be taught or encouraged to do. Have you ever asked him to change a diaper or get-up to attend to his crying-kid, or do you just get-up and do it? If you never ask, why should he bother?
Lets knock a few presumptions out of the way. If having a child was a way to restore or maintain a failing-relationship, often the case; don't expect anything to change, just because you've added a kid to the situation. You probably saw cracks and fissures in the relationship, or felt him slipping away; so you decided you'd bind the relationship by adding a child. Well, lo and behold! He won't even get-up to comfort or change his own child! If he was all-in for starting a family, the question that looms over all this...why hasn't he asked you to marry him after seven years, and THEN start a family? These issues have to be considered; because you don't all of a sudden become nasty to somebody you're supposed to love and feel committed to. A man who really wants to be a father will bond with his kid every given opportunity. You can't overlook these things, and the evidence was there prior to having a child. If it was an unplanned-pregnancy, he probably resents fatherhood thrust upon him. Blaming you for it. His behavior just isn't consistent with someone who loves you, and wants to be a dad. We can't blame everything on covid-19!
You're somewhat caught in a conundrum at this point; because you have no place to go. You suffer what seems to be untreated anxiety, and that places him in a very difficult position; because he's not a therapist...on top of being a lousy father, and a crappy boyfriend.
It seems for the time being, you have to tolerate each-other. Your options are limited. He shows you the door, knowing you have no place to go. It seems you'll need to do a little research to find yourself a crisis-hotline where you can actually speak to a crisis counselor; because you need the comforting of a human-voice. The presence of a living-person is essential, when you are suffering under anxiety. You can't rely on the responses of an advice site; because you may need referrals for shelter and counseling. Intervention at your residence, if you are stuck in a very hostile environment. It may even require you to contact local law-enforcement to diffuse overheated situations; because to threaten to throw you out without your child is taking things a bit far.
He needs somebody to cool his jets; and remind him to put a cap on his aggression. You will eventually have to leave this oppressive environment, and it may require the help of social services. It's inconsistent to claim he's not letting you take the child; but he doesn't really participate in caring for the child. That's rich! The law gives custody of a child to the mother in almost 99.99% of cases; unless she proves mentally or physically-unfit, or a threat to the child's well-being. The burden of proof lies on him! I don't really think he wants to be a single-dad, he hardly helps while living with you!
You need to call for help. Isolating yourself with a man with no friends, no family, and no support-system; leaves you no options, and at his mercy. You held-on to this man, and now you're facing the consequences of doing so. Gather the strength to fend for your child and yourself. Your survival is tantamount. He feels he has the upper-hand; when you collapse emotionally, and show him nothing but weakness. Caving-in under the stress of the situation; so he doesn't feel you have any power whatsoever.
You have to find strength somehow to survive. It's in you, and that powerful instinct is in all of us! It starts by insisting that he helps with childcare. Keep asking him to check on the child; even if he grumbles, or tries to ignore you. The screaming-child will help in disturbing his rest, until he does something about it. You know the cry of distress, or when a child needs changing. If it doesn't sound like either, let the child cry himself/herself back to sleep. You check to make sure they're okay, and you go back to bed. You don't have to attend to an 18 month-old like an infant.
You're going to have to teach yourself to deal with covid. It's a fact of life we're all dealing with. Giving-in to your anxiety is going to make a mental-wreck of you. To some degree, he is right to insist you pull-it together. This pandemic is going to be around for awhile, in spite of the vaccines. You may have to fend for yourself and your little-one someday; and you better dig deep for the strength to survive. You can't do much now, but you can start pushing yourself to search for outside help. We can only give general advice. Your issue will require legal services, professional-counseling, and/or therapy; and maybe even the police. Until you can support yourself, and leave your failing/abusive relationship.
No matter what advice you receive from anyone; you are going to have to conjure the strength to survive on your own , and support your kid. Of course, with the financial-support of the father. Obviously, covid will not allow you to just up and leave. You'll have to mentally prepare yourself for that possibility at some point.
No situation is totally hopeless. When you set your mind to it, you can figure your way out of anything. Life is a test. You either pass, or you fail.
If you have spiritual-faith and belief in prayer and worship. These are the times you turn to them. Contact a local place of worship, they're listed everywhere; and they're available for prayer, and free counseling. Some offer shelter and food. If you're going to survive, you're going to have to turn to God, and every resource you can find. You're not as alone as you think. You just need faith that your boyfriend isn't all you have. God is watching over you too! You've made this relationship your only lifeline; now seek the help of faith in God, find a hotline for crisis-counseling, and believe in yourself. You can do this! If you can't; then your boyfriend has the right to take full-responsibility and custody of his kid. I don't think you're going to allow that to happen! I really don't!
God's peace and guidance be with you.
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