A
male
age
30-35,
*amie Loves Lucy
writes:Hello everyone, me and my girlfriend have been going out for 10 months and its been the best 10 months of my life. I am 18 years old and she is 17.The problem is, for the past 5 weeks she has been burying underlying problematic thoughts in her happiness, and those thoughts are that although she really wants to commit to what we have (she has told me this) she also would like to try new things. She has told me she wants me and her more but she feels that she will always have this feeling if she doesnt do anything about it and says she is worried she'll end up hurting me.She says she wants to be with me but doesnt want to feel tied down and although she wants to be with me she wants other things aswell.The problem really gets to her when she goes out with friends to clubs and what not - she is absolutley gorgeous and so gets alot of male attention, and she has told me that there has been countless attempts from guys to get with her, she has rejected them all but she says sometimes its hard. She told me last night that when she is with me she wants to be with me but when shes out with friends or not with me she doesnt mind not being with me.Another thing, she isnt looking for sex because she beleives it should be for someone special (kudos to her) - she has told me shes not looking for love, just the fun aspect, ie getting off with guys and flirting. We have talked about an open relationship but i really dont want that and i dont think she does either.Thing is, when we started our relationship she wasnt very outgoing, but around christmas time she left school and started a full time job and has started going out to clubs and stuff with friends from work.I think she might not be ready to commit to a relationship but yea... We both really want to make this work, I love her to no end and she loves me to.Any ideas?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I could give you the long, drawn out detailed answer to this but to save us all time and possibly save you some pain, I will give you the short and blunt answer.
All girls go through this phase. She is a teenager who has been with her boyfriend for a while and now wants to see what else is out there. She does not want to feel tied down and wants to be free to experience new things. You cannot be part of her life whilst she goes through this phase. And dont wait around for her either - the chances are she will regret her decision to end things with you but she wont want you back for months and months, and she will have slept with other men by then (I know she says now that she doesnt want sex but when she feels lonely and some cute guy approaches her in a club, it WILL happen!).
I know all this because I was this girl. Aged 18 I went away to uni, and had a boyfriend at the time. He was the love of my life and I couldnt imagine being without him. He was so committed to me and so in love with me, and I thought I felt the same. Until I got my new life - I just didnt want to settle down and felt like he was holding me back. So I ended it and went and had my fun - and realised a while later that I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. But it was my choice to "live my life" so I made my bed, now I have to lie in it!
This new job and new friends has clearly given her the idea that there is more out there than school and you. She wants to be young, free and single. And there is nothing you can do to stop her. If you try telling her that she will regret it if she does end things then it will only make her want to go off on her own even more. If you tell her that you will let her go and do her own thing and you will be waiting when she is ready to come back, she will treat you like a doormat and play with your emotions.
You cannot win in this situation I'm afraid, it is really awful and I'm so sorry you have ended up like this. I have noticed over the last few months there are some strange differences in men and women at certain ages. Aged 16-20 men are very happy to get into serious relationships and look to settle down, whereas women at this age want to have fun and not be tied down to anyone. The when girls hit about 20/21, they start to think about serious relationships. But the problem is then that at 21 men start to want to have fun and like the idea of being a bachelor! So the two sexes never really are at the same stages in life mentally with regards to relationships until men hit 30! So hence why you often find women with older men - because women in their early 20's are ready to commit whereas men are not!
I know that is not particularly helpful for your situation but I hope it helps to illustrate the polar differences between men and women at your age, and indeed at other stages in life. I would say that the majority of girls aged between 16 and 20 will go through this stage at some point and you have just so happened to end up with a girl who is going through it now. There really is nothing you can do apart from let her go and let her be free, it will be one of the hardest things you ever do but it has to be done.
Feel free to reply or message me if you have any further questions!
A
female
reader, superbunny +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I have been in a similar situation to your girlfriend and sadly, and I don't mean to depress you AT ALL, I just had to break free - I was with the same guy from the age of 16 to 18 and at the start it was lovely but by the end I just felt trapped; you're both very young and I felt I needed space to grow and just spread my wings a bit.
If she is not happy, you will have to let her go sweetheart - if you end on a neutral term then perhaps something could happen in the future but don't bank on it.
Do you feel a bit trapped at all? Did you go out clubbing/flirting etc. before you got together?
I hope this helps you slightly - sorry if it upsets you honey.
x x x x
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