A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question that is a little difficult to ask because I don't really know how to. My boyfriend and I have been having sex problems lately. Awhile back he told me he didn't want to have sex every night. He used to say he wanted to and could and would love to have sex every night. Now he says he doesn't want to, not that he can't, but he doesn't want to. This upset me and made me feel like I am no longer attractive to him or that something happened to go from wanting it a lot to saying he doesn't want to do it once a night ever. And that he needs a few days break in between and that's just how guys are, I just don't understand them. We have been dating a year btw. I have heard guys who can/do masturbate every day and have dated guys who I had sex with a couple of times a day. Of course after a little while they couldn't anymore cause it is too much. But my bf is saying guys can't do that. And it is normal to not be able to go once a night. I mean even once a night for a few days and then a break for a day, doesn't even want to do that.I feel like he just isn't interested in sex anymore. Anytime I mention it he just says I don't understand how guys work, he needs more time inbetween, etc. Tonight he made it sound like it is randomized. Sometimes he can go every night and then sometimes he can't depending on the position he last went in and how intense it was... I always thought it was as simple as you have a certain about of sperm or whatever, you can go x amount of times before it won't go up anymore. Now it is like this big confusing thing that I don't even know if I typed correctly. None of it makes any sense to me. I don't think I understood his explanation in the slightest so I probably didn't write it correctly here. I've never been turned down by anyone before and he has done it a few times. On days we hadn't done it for a couple days before. I feel like he comes up with excuses. I feel like I want it much more than he will ever be into. Then I worry something has changed and he just isn't as into me anymore. But all he says is I don't understand guys. So can any guys tell me how often they can and want to have sex with their girlfriends/wives? Also, I have been thinking of a couple new ideas to bring into the bedroom to kind of spice it up since we have been going through a difficult time with it all and hoping he would be receptive and excited about it. He said he had a stomach ache tonight and that we could get the provisions for the massages one day... Not any excitement at all. I want spontaneity. I want him to want to have sex with me. I want to feel wanted and desired and I don't anymore. I am at a loss on what to do. I did think that if I could feel like another person was attracted to me that I would feel better and that it isn't me or an attraction problem (i would never cheat) but then realized, what the hell would it matter if some other guy is attracted or would want to have sex with me anyway if my own boyfriend doesn't?? Then I think about giving up altogether on the sex part but wonder what the hell will happen to us. But how can I just keep trying and feeling no want or desire from him? I'm losing confidence. I'm also losing who I am, a sexual person who really enjoys it and trying new things. I want him to be into it with me. I don't know what I'm even asking anymore.In case it was a thought, my appearance hasn't changed at all. I haven't "let myself go" I look identical and still take care of my makeup and hair how I have from the beginning and always will. No changes have occured that I am aware of other than we are doing better than we ever have before with less fights.
View related questions:
a break, confidence, his ex, sperm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, 3000AD  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I don't agree with, the "Honeymoon period" is over.
Sometimes peoples sex drives are affected by everyday stress....i.e. Work/Uni/etc etc. and maybe what you have to do is speak to your boyfriend to see if he has any problems in his life at the moment, it could be what is affecting him.
If he says that he has no problems and that he simply doesn't want sex every night, you will just have to deal with it. You can't force someone to have sex, although i find it really weird that he doesn't want sex every night.. I'm sure that's all guys dream about!(i do!)
Good Luck!!! ... If all else fails, get some lingerie and surprise him!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 January 2011):
 don't ever think you are bad, nor ugly. Because I'm sure you are nothing of the kind. I do hope it all works out well for you in the long run
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Seriously, you need to chillax a bit. Your man sound like a totally loving, totally faithful, totally normal guy. I really think that you're both going through a readjustment phase of your sexual relationship; and that your mutual expectations are being re-evaluated by you both.
I'm a bit worried that his desire is a bit too important to your self esteem. You need to accept his love for you and you May wish to explore a few other issues that You are worried about. Don't expect love to fill emotional vacuums that you might require! Reconsider what you are asking of him...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that it could be we just have gotten used to each other. I have brought this up as well, like of course you want it all the time when it is brand new and I'm not around all the time. Now that we have done it so much it's not as exciting and I'm there all the time so oh well. I guess it is normal to be turned down from time to time then? I've just never had it happen to me and I don't have the best of confidence so it hurt really bad. I know he isn't cheating. We live together and he works from home so it'd be pretty impossible to have anytime to get out there and cheat. The hardest part for me is being turned down. I feel unwanted and I don't like the feeling. He isn't depressed or had anything happen recently either. I think it is exactly how a few have said, lost libido after the honeymoon stage. And sex isn't so important that I would look elsewhere, what is important to me is feeling like he still wants me and I'm still desireable. I would like to hear more that it is normal to be turned down from time to time. So then I wouldn't feel so bad/ugly. I might bring up the idea of the figurines, it is a cute idea to let someone know you want sex without having your ego bruised by getting turned down. I'm just so used to "if a girl even brings up sex and guy jumps all over it" and now if I mention anything about it I feel like he tries to avoid the topic. I will try to leave it alone now. I still don't know what to do about the few new ideas I wanted to try. I don't know if he'd still be interested or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 January 2011):
There is an initial "Honeymoon" stage in every relationship. It used to be after the marriage, now it's once a couple first engages in the beginning of their sex life together. The beginning is marked by desire and constant need to be together; the "Bonding" stage of your life together.
This highly charged stage doesn't last forever! Even though you still love and desire your partner, your "Honeymoon" stage does wear off and your natural libido as a couple will start to emerge.
DO NOT treat this as a problem!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless he is having NO sex at all or is acting odd, has had major other life upsets, such as a job loss or death in his family, then he's probably not depressed or cheating on you.
If you've gone from having sex every single night to 3-4 times a week, that's probably the normal amount of sex for a an average married couple at your age. You can look up the statistics online! And if you have sex 8 times one week and none the next, that could average out to normal too.
The fact that your libidos might be a bit "out of whack" right now is more of a problem than the change is!!!
DO NOT bug him about it. Men are extremely proud and defensive about their sexual prowess. You obviously are feeling a bit of a string about this as well right now, right! Imagine if you had to be the one who has to "perform" and feel the tension that would bring into the mix right now too. This shift in the sexual dynamics of your relation is just a slowing down after the "Honeymoon" stage, but if you rag on him or treat it like a problem, this could backfire on you both. Do not dwell on this! He will pull farther away!
Being turned down for sex isn't fun either, but you will both have to come up with acceptable ways of saying No to each other that handles it with finesse, grace, kindness and acceptance when the other person isn't in the mood. You can vary the time at which you approach him, wake up 1/2 hour earlier and cuddle in the morning. Men usually wake up already excited and he might be more interested then! A friend of mine saved their marriage and bruised egos by using two figurines on the fireplace mantle, one male/one female. They would lay the figurine down if they were "in the mood" as a clue that they were approachable, kind of fun and it took the pressure off their partner if they were feeling like their ego was bruised.
I honestly think that you don't have a big problem in your relationship, just a readjustment in your sexual relationship and expectations that most couples face with time. Now, couples all do vary, but your relationship and his desires sound pretty average to me. Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): There must be some reason he is off sex. No one can tell you like him. Talk yo him abiut what is shutting him down.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Youshould celebrate! women hate sex anyway so if you can dodge it more power to you
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): "Just because some men talk about sex all the time and want sex all the time it doesn't mean all men are like that."
Amen to that. If a woman doesn't want sex every single day, it's normal and the guy just has to deal with it and accept it. But a guy not wanting it every second?! OMFG! What could be the problem?? That can't be normal!!
Guys can't win. If they want it constantly, they're called horndogs and perverts. If they don't, they must be impotent, gay, cheating, addicted to porn, etc.
You didn't say how long your relationship has been going. But some waning of sexual desire over time is normal and inevitable. Yes, even for guys.
...............................
A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I feel so bad for men sometimes.
Just because some men talk about sex all the time and want sex all the time it doesn't mean all men are like that.
I have been with my OT for almost 3 years and I have a much higher libido than him. I would like to do it everyday, but he is happy to just do it twice a week. However in the beginning months we would do it sometimes 4 times a day at weekends.
Do we have sex less now because he doesn't love me or fancy me anymore? NO
Its simple..in the beginning its all new and exciting so the adrenaline your body produces makes the sex drive higher. When you get more and more used to something, it becomes less exciting.
If you had to eat your favorite cake for breakfast everyday for a year, you would get bored of it right? If you went on the same roller coaster every day that you were previously scared of, you would tire of it, no?
Now, i'm not saying that hes bored of having sex with you, but he's not craving so much any more, because he knows that its there when he wants and needs it.
This is just a stage of natural relationship progression. You aren't in that first exciting stage anymore. You know each other more. You can lay in bed and cuddle and read a book without having the pressure of whether you have sex tonight or not. You can just enjoy each others company.
I was disappointed at first when my OT wanted to have sex less, but I realized that I would rather snuggle up and watch tv with him then have sex with anyone else.
And when we do have sex, its more special because we both have build up "energy" and it generally isn't a chore he has to do to keep me satisfied.
Have a think about how important sex is to you in a relationship. Would you rather be with another guy and have more frequent sex? If not, have a chat with him about your concerns. Maybe there is a way you can compromise; having less frequent sex, but making it more exciting. Have you tried sex toys to release your sexual energy? Or just going for a walk/run/gym when you have that pent up energy?
...............................
A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (4 January 2011):
Go ahead and over look the one that said he cheating without any evidence that he remotely strayed. The penis is a muscle and if you over work it, it will hurt and its a little scary feeling. That fear may be enough to slow him down. It not painful but feels funny and when he constantly cum. He needs a break and then he can go again. Don't worry because if he's pulling back from you I doubt he's looking somewhere else. They're many ways to show intimacy besides sex.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): You have done nothing wrong. Stop blaming yourself. If he is close to your age then his libido should not have nose dived. There must be a reason.
Previously his libido was aligned to yours. Now it is not.
He may be worried about his diminised libido. And it may be very painful for him to even consider discussing this. Try to remain calm. I realise you are hurting. You are with a man who previously gave you abundant physical love and made you feel loved and appreciated.
Now that physical love has dimished. It is natural to think his love for you has also dimished.
But that may not be true.
If he still loves you as much as previously then he should reassure you of this fact.
And now your partner is trying to tell you that this reduction in libido is normal. Perhaps it is normal for him. Or maybe he has worked himself up into thinking he needs to cut back on sex, for reasons unknown. Certainly some men notice some reduction in libido over the years. But it is not normal for all men. Libido varies widely between all men. If he is still in the 20-25 age zone he should still be 'on fire' and have a very healthy libido.
Is he naturally a worrier? Has he in the past been a hypochondriac? Does he work himself up into thinking he is very sick, when really only has a minor ailment? Does he have any neurotic tendencies? Because all those things above are more likely to be the sort of person who would get all worked up, thinking he was not up to the exertion used during making love.
He is certainly behaving like a neurotic 19th century virgin, with the vapors. But there may be a valid reason, that is yet to be determined.
Is he unfit? Has he put on weight recently? That could affect his confidence.
Is he perhaps depressed? Is his sleep disturbed? Is he more tired than usual? There is a definite change in his outlook and depression could be the reason.
Maybe desist from hinting for sex from him at the moment. Because it may make him more anxious.
Though I think it is unacceptable if he makes you feel as if sex is an unwelcome chore, for him. He needs to demonstrate more grace than that.
If you can think of a way to encourage him to have a full medical, including a discussion with a professional to assess for depression, then give it a try.
Or there could be other reasons.
Does he have some horrible money worries?
Does he have some sort of work issue that is worrying him?
Or a gambling problem?
Are you aware of any medication or substance he may be taking that could be depressing his libido?
Do NOT allow him to criticize you for having a stronger sex drive than you. He is causing you distress. Your sex drive is completely normal. If he's genuine about showing some concern for you, he should still be able to pleasure you to orgasm with foreplay, but that might make him feel inadequate, so I guess that's not an option.
There is another, unpalatable possibility. And it pains me to suggest it. But Exploring every possibility will help you find the truth, whatever is the truth.
Some people, in a coward's choice, choose to behave badly when they are thinking of breaking up. But they don't have the honesty to discuss breaking up. Instead the person who wants to break up behaves so disagreeably that their partner chooses to propose ending the relationship. Then the person who has been acting badly quickly agrees, on the basis, 'if that's what you want, OK, we'll break up'. That way, afterwards the can try to be the aggrieved party. When really it was their own actions that effected a breakup from their partner.
Last possibility, hope it's not true, (I don't think it IS the reason). That remote possibility is that he has someone on the side. But my 'take' is that another partner is NOT his problem.
Instead I think he has worked himself into a lather that his vigor will 'wear out' and a fear that his semen will not 'last' unless he cuts back his production.
Talk it out with him. Something is bothering him. And unless he is prepared to tell you, then you may never discover
the truth.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): He could be going through a depression. That cam drop his sex drive. The two of you maybe doing better in all areas but the bedroom , whatelse is going on in his life with his job or family that can contribute to depression and loss of desire .
Also you may want to explore if he has met someone.
Good luck to you both
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Hi!
Has your BF undergone a recent traumatic event in his life i e loss of job? death?
Has he been under any kind of stress? Is he perhaps overweight?
It sounds like he's losing interest... then again thats coming from a loser (me) whose only had sex once :/...
I think this guy is holding something back from you and isnt telling you because of the emotional level the relationship is already on. He needs to be honest and you also need, as well as him, to keep the emotions to a minimum when discussing this issue. It is difficult and keeping them to a minimum will yield a more productive conversation. And on a side note, Im jacked all the time and ready to go so going once a day would be at a minimum for me. However, yeah dont generalize from me as the expectation which should be held for your BF. Good luck here miss.
...............................
A
male
reader, spnwinchester  +, writes (4 January 2011):
TBH I think he MIGHT be cheating on you, or just masturbating by himself more often. But, I wouldn't try push him he may just find it harder as hes getting older. Perhaps he could just go down on you instead each night???
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): In the beginning guys are exited and capable of doing it every day, twie a day sometimes. But as time goes by the erge drop and the frequency reduces. Normally I can have sex every night but my wife want 2 or 3 times a week. Before we married we used to have sex twice almost everyday. After 4 years of dating we got married. This has continued untill we have our first child. Then her attention goes much to the kid and her wanting sex every day disappear. I know she loves me but it is a matter of attention. Now we are doing 3 to 4 times a week. It is still fantastic. It is not all about quantity but quality.
if he still loves u and communicate well the number doesn't matter as far as u have a quality sex while u have it. Does he want to avoid u? Does he put excuses not to be with u? IS he enjoying the moments with you? Do u have quality and intense sex?
If he come out earlly or have erection problem unlike before then you need real talk. I enjoy my wife's orgasm more than mine!!
...............................
|
