A
male
age
41-50,
*b1234
writes:Hi, my girlfriend and i have been together for about 10 months, previously I had been in a long term relationship [7 years] and she had been in a few shorter relationships [1-2 years]. We seem really happy together and have spoken about marriage, most of the time we get on great, we enjoy each others company and are very much in love.the problem we have is that i think everything is great, and i think that she is happy too, but every couple of months she will say 'I dont want this to be a big thing, but...', it always is a big thing! last night she gave a list for about 20 mins of all the things she dislikes about me in our relationship. all at once. i cant cope with hearing 99 things i have done that displease her all in one go, ive told her this but it doesnt change.She is not being unreasonable, the thing she says are valid, although until they are pointed out i dont notice them, as our values are different. I do try to address them but the same issues keep comming up, and now i really doubt that I can make her happy in the long term.We both have stressful jobs, and we live in a difficult environment, I love her and I can't imagine my life without her, but I want her to be happy, and I dont think i can give her what she deserves. I just feel too oafish and insensitive when she points out all the tiny but obvious mistakes I make. She hasn't had the greatest life and has had a couple of difficult relationships with her parents and a little bit of heart ache with her ex.I dont feel that I have the energy to continue trying to change myself into being the person she needs me to be, but I desperatly dont want to hurt her or let her down like everyone else in her life.my question is how can i finish with her and not hurt her? I dont want to loose her but i know i cant satify her and I want her happyness before myown [tho she may well disagree!!!]Thanks for answering and sorry for the essay! it's my first time!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): I think it depends on what she is unhappy with if its things like not paying her enough attention then that is justified but if its just your habits then she needs to learn to adapt there are always going to be things about each other that we don't like but we accept it.
A
female
reader, Patient1  +, writes (30 March 2007):
 Well, I think you have a ligitimate concern. I think it's a combination of the answers already posted. Though, I don't think you're being selfish at all, I think you're a victim of circumstance. I think it's very selfless to want whats best for her, but you shouldn't have to change due to every complaint that she has about you. It may be a flaw to her but not to someone else. We all have flaws and it's up to the other person to accept them or not. Of course, if it's a flaw that you can reason with and adjust to her needs, then you should try to do so. But if it's simply just a part of who you are, then if she loves you enough then she should accept that. Sometimes what some people call "flaws" are what distinguishes us from everybody else. You can still love someone and not be 100% compatible, it all depends on what kind of relationship each person wants to engage in. Of course we all want complete happiness, but we're all different. If you don't want to change all of those things about you that she finds difficult to deal with then I would just tell her. "Look, I love you and I only want what's best for you, but I cannot change who I am for you." Give her the option to stay or go. Hope this helps, best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): I think you are being selfish, if you want it to work and you love her and you think she has valid points then why are you not trying to resolve them or is it not worth it? If you can't be bothered to make the effort then you shouldn't be with her and leading her on. You should set her free to be with someone more suited to her who will understand her needs. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but relationships only work if you both work at it. If there are things in the relationship not working for you then you should also tell her.
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A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (30 March 2007):
 How can you finish with her and not hurt her?
This is only possible if she wants to finish too.
She gave a list for about 20 mins of all the things she dislikes about you.
It means that she may be already thinking of finishing, but doesn't know how to do it.
From the way you write I think that IN FACT you don't wanna finish, you will be more hurt than she:
"We seem really happy together and have spoken about marriage, most of the time we get on great, we enjoy each others company and are very much in love."
You can be long term with a person whose values are different than yours only if there is a major issue binding, sorry.
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