A
male
age
41-50,
*ohnnyfobes
writes:Hello. Well where to start. My wife and I have been together for ten years and married 5. When we first started dating we talked about wanting to have children and I really thought that I did want to have kids then. Well long story short my wife is really getting the itch to have a kid and I just don't think my heart is in it anymore. It may be because of my family i.e. both my brother and sister who are younger have since been married, had kids, and got a divorce. Not only that it has happened to two of my friends and to top it off my sister has 4 kids and lives of the state and has never had a job. I don't know if that really tainted things for me or what, but I do know that I am very unsure if I want a kid and probably leaning to the side of not wanting one. I have talked with my wife about this and she has said she would be heartbroken and in no less words we would be done. I am at a loss of what to do. I don't feel that just having a kid to appease her is a fair decision because I could end up resenting both her and the kid. That is not a healthy environment to raise a kid and I would never want to do that to anyone. I do love my wife and don't want her to leave, but I also don't want to hurt her and make her miserable for the rest of her life either because I love her. I have not been able to sleep or function well the last few weeks because of this. I guess I am just venting a bit and looking for some suggestions. Please don't bash me with not wanting to have children. Many people have them and don't really want them and end up with some emotionally scarred children.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): I have different things affecting my reasons but i'm in the same school of thought. My wife thinks i will be a great father. She is ready now and is seemingly on a clock. I'm not on that clock. I even had that thought about resentment. I'm not ready and i'm scared. Scared of the consequences of my action, inaction, and decisions. I've changed and it's hard dealing with that.
A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (10 September 2008):
 When my parents got married, they married "old" (in their early 30's)
Both my mom and dad didn't want anymore kids because they already had kids from previous relationships and there was also the health concern of having kids at that age.
Well, my mom accidentally got pregnant with me and at first my dad didn't take the news well. My mom is against abortion so she decided to keep me and my dad supported her decision and in those 9 months he came to terms about my birth.
Finally, I was born, and everything changed for them. My dad ended up loving me so much that he kicked off his bad habits, drinking and smoking, so I would not be influenced by them. Because of me, they decided to have a last child, my brother, and after that my mom got her tubes tied.
I have asked my parents if they regret ever having me and they always tell me that they dont. In fact, they're quiet happy about their "little accident" because if that hadn't happened, they wouldn't have had the wonderful daughter they have now. If it wasn't for that accident, I wouldn't have existed...ever. I owe that accident my entire existance.
In the end, what I'm saying is that you may not feel like having kids but at the same time you may be missing on the joy of having kids. Or, you may miss the joy of having created a wonderful person that will make you proud someday.
It's totally understandable for you being afraid of fatherhood but bailing out off it may not be the best answer for you.
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