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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now and am very much in love. Our relationship is great on every level. However she is 8 years my senior and far more sexually experinced than me. She has had at least 4 times as many lovers as me, some of whom I know, and was quite a groupie in her younger(and not so younger days). Although our sex life is also really good I sometimes find myself thinking about her past and that can ruin the sex for me. I've tried losing myself when we are in bed so that I don't think about it. I wish I could just shake it from my head. any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): Well, I must say it's a bit relieving to find I'm not the only one feeling this way.I'm 19, involved with a girl a few years younger. I've had sex with 4 different people, her about 10. She's also been raped, on a few different occasions, and been with men much older than her. To me, this all defaces her value. But on the other hand, the girl is amazing. She does everything you could ever want your girlfriend to do, is the most loving, affectionate girl I've ever met, and I am certain she would never mess around. After all this, it's unbelievable how tormented I am by her past. There's not a day that goes by that her past does not run through my head. I know about almost all of the people she has been with, and more detail than I need. Sometimes when I look at her, pictures of her with all these other men keep running through my head and it kills me. I'm haunted by HER past, and sometimes it leads me to lash at her verbally and make her cry. I do not know how to deal with it, I've always liked the innocent girls and this is completely the opposite. It's the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): i have the same problem. but its my past that he is worried about. honestly there hasnt been many guys, two to be exact. but i was kinda young when it happened. but i never slept with them. he just cant seem to forget about it. i would do anything to change the past, and i would do anything to help him get over it. i just dont know what to do?
he said he has been trying to forget about it, and he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever but is that still the same when he cant get over something i cant change? something that i regret?
im as lost as all of you...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): I have the same problem. I saved myself for my true love and "my true love" havent. She said that she slept with dozen guys, and later she realized that that was wrong. She loves me and she is sorry but I just cant shake it. I love her much but when something triggers these facts in my head, a voice that screams:"dirty slut" appears in my head. She maybe is sorry and maybe she is my true love and I hers but damage is done and I think its unrepairable. I am not asking for help whil I am writing this cos fact are just facts. So all of you, dedicated to true love, out there, know that you are not alone in this mess. And one more thing, past is all we have and the past tells us who we are, so past is the most important thing cos it is the base of our present actions and character. If you cant be honest about your past with your girlfriend or boyfriend, your love doesnt worth jack shit...and YES...LOVE MUST BE PERFECT...its the only thing that must be!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): hey...
Well.. im in the same boat... im a dude, 21 yrs old ive had 10 sexual partners, most of them loving or at least caring... she on the other hand is 27 and has had 25 partners. most of which where at best in admiration. she says that once she's met me, she doesnt exaclty regret the fact that she let their hands in her so easily, but rather she would prefer that she reserved herself for the truly worthy men. that it was the first time that she felt like a respected woman (with me).
does this bother me? it did, kuz we talked about it and i got most of the details of the times SHE REMEMBERED.
im guessing the poster was not the 'player' type guy. neither am i. but i love this girl and i really tried to extract as much information as i could to understand the way she works, so that i can smell the rat when it shows its head. but i dont think much about it anymore.
sometimes i think, im still in my young 20s.. shouldnt i be the (excuse the crude word)'slut' she was? i kinda wanna be that slut, but i keep telling my self that if this relationship doesnt work out (kuz i really really really am into her) that ill be the slut then, not before. and in the same time, i dont wanna miss the 'easy boner years'.
stick to your girl, and remember she might not be this good in bed if she hadnt had the practice before hand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): Feel for you bruv. Only men can really feel this this way because in every way it makes us feel bad-from being less manly at not having more lovers than her, at feeling like we've got the used and abused reformed slut to feeling those eyes on us from men she's let jump on her.
I know it sounds crude but you've got to either accept the dirty stuff she's done if you're gona be constantly reminded by seeing these blokes-cos they will talk about her (the same way the princes will always hear about their mum diana's lovers) OR move away, don't see them again, don't mention them and don't talk about sex with anybody else with her ever again.
Either way, you'll end up loving each other and people will grow tired of laughing (if they are).
Personally tho, if i have a problem handling my exes' amount of partners-not because they were genuine felt hopeful relationships, but sordid, in the alley behind the club or 4-ways with 3 men nastiness, i dump them. I don't want to have my parents go through hell bringin me up, for me to work hard to be successful, only to end up with a woman who is more known in the community for getting shagged by loads of guys more than she is for any talent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): I have the same problem with my husband now. In a recent talk he shared with me that he had more than 55 sex partners. He is also 8 years older than me. Since he has told me that, I can't stop thinking and imagining him with other women. I talked to him about it and he told me that its past and nobody can change anything and I should not think about it. I also know that he loves. He is very careing and loving, but his past haunts me all the time.He told me that he has passed that phase of his life when only sex matter. I tried to talk to him again after I realesed that I was doing worse that improving, and he cut me saying that it is my problem and I have to deal with it and not to bother him anymore with that. Its been 6 months since then, I don't share anything about that with him but I cry occasionally and think about it and get dipressed often and don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2005): I currently have a problem akin to this. I feel so stupid about it. I guess that the problem lies with me not being able to stand thinking of her with anyone else even though I realize that past lovers have nothing to do with me just as mine have nothing to do with her. Really as long as I dont have to be reminded of some past lover its OK. So the problem here is that a colleague of hers is a past lover. I have met him, hes an alright guy really and yet that doesnt seem to matter-I just cant seem to not let this thing bother me- maybe I am afraid I will run into him somewhere and unfortunately it will be so hard to not think of her being with him. Im not worried that she will leave me for him or anything. We have talked about my feelings and she assured me that nothing like that would happen- I trust her. So, this still bothers me and I feel like I know it shouldnt and yet it still does. Its hard not to really feel like there is something wrong with me. I dont want to ruin our relationship so i dont want to talk to her about this- and we already have so what could she say that hasnt already been said. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2005): I had a similar problem with my boyfriend, who now realises it wasn't a great idea to tell me all about his past sex life. I didn't get past it quickly or even completely, but time has helped a lot. The main thing is for you to concentrate on the present and your great sex life as much as possible, but also to be honest with your partner when it's really getting to you, get her to reassure you that you're a great lover if that would help. Also try having sex in different ways or places to make it uniquely your own might help
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Although I believe in honesty and I believe that the past is the past but when she told you "all about her past" she took a horrible risk that it will be thrown in her face at some point in the future. This is why I always strongly advise couples never, ever to divulge to each other, the exact "number" of lovers they had in their past. It's really no one's business as far as I am concerned. When my partner asked me that question one time, I just said I had "a few" and that was that. He has never asked again...subject closed and we went forward. In fact, I have no wish to know how many lovers he had. All I know is that he and I share a respectable, trusting relationship now and that is all that counts.
You and your girlfriend need to complete this and move on. Things don't have to be "perfect" to be complete -We all have had past lovers, some of us more than others. She is 8 years your senior, she's a sensuous lady and she's had more years of relationships under her belt, so what did you expect?
Sit down with her and talk it out until the two of you can be completely satisfied with her past being the past (a valuable learning experience).
She told you the truth and has been with you for nearly a year now. I'd safely say she loves you very much. Count your blessings and enjoy her sexual experience instead of the naive fumblings of many women younger than her. It could've been worse. Move on and forget about this. Life is too short to sit and be upset about things you cannot change.
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reader, MyBeautifulRuin +, writes (22 July 2005):
it's natural to feel like this and i think the only thing that will stop you thinkin bout those past experience of hers is to talk to her bout it! sit down together and talk bout your past aswell, maybe if she assures you about her past then you'll be okay. as the impression i get is that you feel that maybe she just does the same things with you thats she's done before, and you sometimes feel that your nothing special, if i am right you need to sort it out now! if i am wrong then i am sorry! hope i helped. good luck x
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