A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was supposed to get married approximately a year ago, but called the wedding off about a month or so before it was supposed to happen. If I hadn't called it off, HE would have gone ahead with it, even though we were not getting along at all. I know this because we have talked about it and he admits to that. I think it's crazy considering just how badly things were going. He was yelling ALL THE TIME. He has a terrible temper and does not deal well with what I think are mostly normal things that happen in life (such as traffic, car repairs, being hungry, waiting for people to make change, etc.). I know that sounds crazy, but it's true and I think I just slowly "got used to it" and tried to keep him calm and try to manage the situations that came up. I even started bringing snacks in my purse, like he was my 2-year-old, so that if he got hungry he didn't have a tantrum. As I write this I'm feeling very foolish. Anyway, one of the lovely things he asked me when we were still together was if I just wanted to get married so that I could be the center of attention and have people "think I was pretty" in my wedding dress. I cannot begin to describe how hurt I was at this question. This would have been my second marriage, and if I learned anything from my first one, it was that this was to be a MARRIAGE, not a WEDDING. As much as I picked out some flowers and ordered food and drinks for our families, it was a small party for our parents, siblings and children. I made a point, even with our very busy schedules of making it a religious ceremony, which meant the classes and the seminars and the discussions and the talks and the readings and the "homework". This was important to me. To this day I don't know how he could have thought that about me. How he could have said that? I am doing the wrong thing by still being in contact with him. After everything, I still love him (!!!) and I want him to "get it". I want him to realize what a terrible thing he said to me and to apologize. But he doesn't get it. He's very frustrated with me. He says he's sick of me blaming him. That is was "just a question" and he didn't mean anything by it and I should just get over it, get past it and move on. That he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm thinking he will never change and that I will be watching him bang on the steering wheel because he's stuck behind some poor guy driving a load of gravel in a dump truck. Or asking me if I believe that Christmas was invented so that I could have red nail polish and be the center of attention, or some other such crazy thing. I think I know the answer. I just need a push in the right direction. Should I move on once and for all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): ***I am the original poster of this question***Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to me! I have to say, this advice site has really saved my sanity more than a few times, and I am so thankful for it and for everyone who gives their time and advice to complete strangers.To Cindy Cares…Please keep wearing your red nail polish! I was just being silly :) My ex was very concerned that things I did were to get attention. Funny, he's the one with all the "selfies" on his Facebook page and the one that has to have everything perfect because he's so concerned about what everyone will think.And Sageoldguy, I swear I think I know you. One of these times after one too many martinis maybe you will confess that in your spare time you dispense advice on the internet…To the anonymous female who responded… if you are not a psychiatric or psychologist, I think you missed your calling. This is exactly me. My ex IS a big baby and a woman hater. He disguises it well. He loves his mom and he has a daughter that he over indulges, but when it comes to women his age or women he works with…look out. And when you say I will bend my mind trying to understand his illogical suspicion…wow! He used to bring me flowers on occasion and then he stopped. I asked him why once and he told me it was because I just left them on the counter to die. I couldn't believe it! I would never do that, and I couldn't fathom what he was talking about or when it happened. Turns out, when he arrived with the flowers I was cooking and my hands were covered with egg and flour and bread crumbs. So I asked my daughter to put them in a vase for me and she did. This he interpreted as leaving them on the counter to die. Go figure. Mind bending indeed. So I was punished forevermore and never received flowers again.My need to take care of someone and "make" them love me definitely came from the fact that I have never been good enough for my mom. I know in my head that I am good enough! But I think that no matter how old you get, you will never stop trying to get your mom to love you just because. I ALWAYS pick men that don't quite love me and try to get them to see that I'm lovable. I ALWAYS pass on men that just already love me for who I am. I need the work. I need the challenge. I need to convince someone that doesn't love me that I'm worth it. It's terrible.Again. Thank you to everyone! God Bless...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): Cutting strings is difficult when there's history and feelings involved. It's not an easy thing. However, in time things will become much clearer. It would be best if you cut off the romantic ties immediately and see him sparingly as a friend only. With time and space, everything will come into perspective.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 April 2015):
 You write: "....I'm thinking he will never change..."
You are correct. You've detailed how long you have held out hope that he WOULD (change).....NOW, reconcile that a woman waiting for a man to "change" is an exercise in futility.... and it's not worth your time....
Go your separate ways ... and look back, reminiscing on the good times you had. Meanwhile, find a better "boyfriend."
Good luck...
P.S. A boyfriend who doesn't need to be corrected... or have to "change" is really the best kind. NO GUY is likely to "change" for a G/F....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2015):
 He won't change, and you will NOT make him "get" it. not matter how much you harp on the issue.
He says things, maybe not to hurt others, but to make a statement. Whether the statement HURT someone feelings or not, he doesn't CARE.
I think you love him out of habit, more then actual love.
Calling off the wedding was the right thing to do, for BOTH of you.
I think anon female is right that you (maybe subconscious)like to "mother" and manage your man. I think it's more in the lines that you hope to mold him into what you want. And THAT is not going to happen. Like the whole "I want him to apologize" If he doesn't THINK what he said/did was wrong why would he? But you... have this idea that you can "train him" cookies in your purse and telling him what to do.... It's not healthy for either of you. Now that doesn't mean you can't point out something negative a partner does, but you are trying to mold him, A GROWN man,to teach him manners and control - when this is something HE should have leaned 40 years ago (as a child).
If you think you can change him, you are mistaken. And if you CAN accept him and be with him AS HE IS, why waste yours and his time?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 I think you are just desperately clinging to an excuse to not let finally go and not cut the umbilical cord with Old Yeller .
Of course he does not " get it " that his remark offended you, he is an out -of-control nutcase and a self centered one too, what do you want him to " get " ? Besides, his bitchy remark is after all less venomous than you make it, insofar it contains a little grain of truth meaning that yes, a mature intelligent woman will get married for good serious reasons... AND will also love the chance she is offered to be queen for a day and belle of the ball. Why not ? What's wrong with that ?. One can want to marry out of pure love, and desire to build a family- AND exhibit a little feminine vanity ( which, is not even your case btw; but even if it was , so what ).
Oth, suppose he " gets " that he said something wrong and apologizes - and then ? will this shut him up, make him a calm, rational person, turn him into someone who's a joy to be around ???
Send him packing, and enjoy your retrieved peace of mind - and a normal volume of decibels too !
PS. I did not get that about Christmas and red nail polish.
Is red nail polish Christmas-y ? I wear it any time of the year..... Do people take me for a Christmas tree :) ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 April 2015):
 You are correct he will NEVER change. He is not the man for you. And I think you are correct that NO CONTACT is the best way to go.
You are young enough that he's a time waster for you. Cut him loose...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): In short, yes, and you know you should but something is stopping you.He, without doubt, is a big baby who will never grow up. But big baby's also have a tendency to be women haters, precisely because they haven't grown up; they cannot handle women just being women - little things you do and say will be picked on with the most extreme and seemingly illogical suspicion. And it will bend your mind trying to understand and change it.You, on the other hand, seem to be verging on the type of personality who control through care and/or through addiction to an immature and abusive person. The 'mothering' that you do is an attempt to control his personality - not because you are originally controlling, but because his personality has now affected you so that you've become so. Some people ARE, however, predisposed to become this way because they are unwittingly seeking a deep, unbreakable connection with someone and it's usually with someone who, for whatever reason, witholds love and affection and undermines you; the idea here is that if you keep trying the person will finally 'love' you and, as you say, will 'get it' and you will win their heart forever. Except that you won't. this view has its roots in childhood and usually comes from parents being inconsistent with their affection and love, or witholding it to extremes and giving you glimpses of it, or of not supporting you in becoming an independent person in the fullest sense so that you continually seek a child-like bond with someone because, without realising it, you are still scared in the world. You may well be capable and stable as an adult but still need this bond.This is the 'hold' that this immature and offensive man has over you. Actually it is YOU that is giving him that hold on you. I'd strongly recommend the book How to Break Your Addiction To A Person by Howard M Halpern, PhD. It could really help you to understand yourself and to move on.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 April 2015):
You do realize he will be the father of your kids??? And do you think with his temper he would be an ideal father?
Loving someone because they are good to you is right. Loving someone who is mean to you is...???
You see...Life is very simple. We are the ones that make it complicated when we accept or bring the wrong things into our lives.
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