A
female
age
30-35,
*ujubie
writes:I have the most loving, attentive, handsome, and caring man I could ever ask for. And yet I feel like he's not the one for me. We've been together for two plus years and I love him so much. But when I think about going further in the relationship(engagement) I think that it's not something I want with him. I used to think it was something I wanted but for the past 4 months I've been getting increasingly irritated by his habits. He is very dramatic about everything and cannot tolerate anything. He also isn't really willing to be around my family and for me family is the most important thing in the world. I don't know if I should just keep trying to make things work or if I'm dragging it along because I'm comfortable and because I love him. He's the best man I've ever dated and he is always telling me how much he loves and cares about me. And I feel the same way but I feel like I'm drifting away. Is there anything I can do to either wake myself up from this fog I feel like I'm in. Also there isn't anyone else that I'm interested in either so it's not like I'm all the sudden interested elsewhere. Thinking about breaking up with him makes me really upset but at the same time I don't want to waste his time when he could be with someone who is better suited for him than I am. I'm just so lost in my own mind. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I am not a family person as I have no concept of it but out of love, I would do family gatherings with a man I love so I feel he must be very stubborn, probably about other things too. If your version of love requires someone to care about your family too, then he is not the man for you. For many people, when you get married it's to the whole family too. I think your relationship worked right up until you have to think about serious things which involves your family. If he's the most loving man as you said, you owe it to him to let him know how important family is for you and you see it as a dealbreaker if he won't try to connect with them.
He either changes, or you accept the way he is because this is one area where you would argue a lot in the future if it's not resolved.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 I believe what you're experiencing is dullness. He's there, so available and ready for you. Where's the excitement? Most people want what they can not have, and the forbidden fruit is irresistible. That's when you get these sayings that girls only want bad boys and men only want the bitches. No one wants the "good guy" or "good girl" who are there, ready and available, nice and sweet... Why? Because it's so boring, isn't it? Where's the excitement? The butterflies? The thrill and the passion?
Im a woman of passion, great temperament and I love with all my heart and soul and have intense feelings that swing both in the good way and the bad way. I experienced that men worshiped me when I was unavailable and aloof, if I didn't care for their feelings and devoted myself to my own passions. THEN I got proposals, THEN men would follow me blindly and kiss the ground I walked upon. But having followers wasn't as interesting, it was boring and dull. I sought excitement and passion. So I tried a relationship with a man who was a dickhead. And I learned that passion could easily turn into something quite ugly.
Then I tried a relationship with an unavailable man. Not that he was married, hehe, but he was emotionally distanced, and had other priorities in life. In that relationship I felt like I couldn't breathe if I didn't see him, it became so intense, and it hurt so bad when he cut me off and was "too busy". I could not have him completely, and it just made me want him more and more. It became unbearable in the end.
So I tried a new relationship with a man who I could have. And I attempted being available to him, no secrets, no drama (or rather, less drama), and full on devotion like my last boyfriend had been unable to give me, and like I myself in the past was also unwilling to give. So far there has been times when his calmness has driven me insane. I feel as if I can't get a reaction out of him, he is so calm I have asked myself if he cares at all. It's so different. And I too have wondered, is this all there is? Is he the one for me? And then there are the times when he overwhelmes me with affection and care, and it feels so good to have stability and to know that I have him.
Being COMFORTABLE is a LUXURY. Not something to take for granted.
I have yet to find out if this is the man I will spend my life with, as this is a fairly new relationship. But looking back I know what did NOT work: being unavailable and trying to be with someone unavailable. And I'd rather take comfort and stability over any of the intense and passionfilled relationships I had in my past. Because while the high points are wonderful memories, I also know that the downfalls were so bad I would stay up all night, couldn't sleep for days, couldn't eat, failed classes, my grades went down, I did poorly at work etc. Because with great passion and desires also comes great downfalls which will jeopardize everything you've tried to build for yourself in your life.
It's just not worth it, to me.
My advice to you is to see him for who he is: a great man as you say, and not take it for granted that he will stay. Because if treated poorly, even great guys will ditch you. If he's the only one doing the work in the relationship, there will be resentment, and he might not be so loving and great in a year. So treasure it and be thankful. The grass is not greener on the other side. If you feel bored, take up a new hobby instead. It is not your boyfriends job to entertain you and complete your life, that is YOUR job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): Hi sweetie. From experience, I got married at 27 to the most loving, caring and wonderful man. He was everything I could ever ask for. Except deep down, the passion was missing and I never really saw that until years later when I ended our marriage. I think the fog of the initial attraction wore off and there was not enough there to keep the relationship going. I also think I married him to make my parents happy because he was such a good guy. But all those good qualities also irritated me in time and made me realize I settled for a guy who eventually became a door mat. This wasn't so good. Nice guys are good but not when they are too nice. I stayed with him for 17 years cause he was a good guy and loved me and all of that. But it just was not enough. There was something missing. I did not love him the same way. I soul searched. I tried. I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have but I just knew I could no longer live this lie.It seems you are smart enough to realize this long before I ever did. You have a chance to correct it. You have a chance to stop moving forward with the relationship. Listen to your gut. Listen to your heart. You know what you want. Don't make a mistake by getting married. You deserve the whole package. Clearly there is something missing here. There is no sense in continuing with this relationship. And it will also be best for him to let him go to find someone who will love him fully and completely.Take Care.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 Always trust your instincts over your heart. Your instincts tell you no but your heart is ready for a debate on the subject. Instincts trump heart every time . They are designed to keep you whole and protect you. The heart can be tricked into believing a lie. Be careful. Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 April 2015):
 If he proposed you would say no; therefore I think it's kindest for him and for you to let him know that while you love him and enjoy his company you do not think it's going to go further than what it currently is.
Then you can let him know you will stay as long as it's good.
He can decide then and there if he wants to leave or not based on now knowing you don't foresee a future with him.
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