A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I miss my boyfriend a lot when he goes back to school. He occassionally comes back on the weekend, but I just feel so distant from him even though we try to talk at least once a day.I support him as much as I can so I don't let on to how much I miss him so that he does not think I cannot handle this. As he will be in school for a loong time.I no longer live at home so when things come up that are tough I usually go to him to talk and it helps me feel better. When he is in school though, I try to hide that I am upset or that I had a bad day so that he doesn't think I can't handle things on my own. But then I feel like I'm being so fake and that he's my boyfriend and I should be able to tell him things. There have already been instances where he said he would handle something and his parents have had to step in and take care of it because he had to focus on school. So it makes me think that I have to take care of everything on my own and not tell him when something is wrong because then he will want to help.He told me it's okay to ask for help and that he wants me to tell him. His mom yelled at me because she was saying that he has a big heart and I need to tell him no when he wants to help as he has things at school he has to take care of. And that I should make sure his stuff is finished and he is all taken care of before he tries to dedicate his time to me. I don't see how that is my responsibility though to make sure he is in order as he should be responsibile on his own for himself. Thoughts, suggestions? Thank you3 Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (21 January 2010):
 I understand your thought process behind it, keeping your thoughts to yourself so he doesn't have to worry about anything but school and he has a lot going on. I disagree personally. I think in a relationship you should be completely open and discuss everything. He should be the one person you are closest to and can say anything that is on your mind and bothering you. A relationship without communication will never work. Hell, talk about what you wrote on here. Tell him you do miss him or anything else you feel, and that you have been keeping it from him so he doesn't have to worry. I don't think it is selfish of you to discuss things on your mind. The point of a partner is to be there for you and to be able to help you or comfort you and work through things together. Always communicate and be honest. Good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 You are being considerate towards your boyfriend. You can tell him things in a way that's not demanding of a solution, but just a report of the day because you need a listener. Honestly girls are better listeners. It's okay to tell him you miss him, but not in a tone which suggests come see me now!His mom cares about his future a lot, but really has no right to yell at you. My mom is that way with my brother, but she never yelled at her. I wonder if you two get really serious in the future, would you be able to tolerate your in law?He sounds like he would be a good provider. I got a feeling that he has to achieve and to live with his parents expectations, and his real motivation to do things is not to upset anybody. He is so busy at school he has no time to learn about women, emotions (and don't undermine these).You have a right to express feelings and you are always safeguarding yourself for the sake of him. It is not a healthy relationship. People should not sacrifice the need to nurture in order to be successful in society.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): Ignore the mother, she is only looking after her sons education, and not his love life. Of course he needs to dedicate time to you, if school is taking up too much of his time to be with you then he shouldn't be having a girlfriend.
Even when you are far apart, it is best to continue as normal. If you try to change the natural pattern of things, and holding things back, it will be like you are pausing the relationship until you see him again, press play, and rant to him about your problems like usual. Everyone needs to rant it all out every now and then. Plus telling him about your problems could possibly make him feel needed and wanted by you, so holding it back could have a negative effect.
Talk about this with him. Tell him you are holding things back because you are concerned he will think you are unable to take care of yourself. But also remember that he is not physically there anymore, so the help he can give you is support and a listening ear. Those two things are plenty though! I don't know what problems he ended up sending his parents over for, but that is his problem! He shouldn't be sending his parents over to fulfill promises he couldn't keep. Maybe he's trying too hard to compensate for him being away, and taking on too much work and getting in over his head. If you have a feeling this might be the case, some reassuring that everything is fine would help him.
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