A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:My boyfriend and I officially parted ways about 6 months ago after 4 years together on and off. I made a judgement call during his visit to see me in Boston from New York this past summer. As much as I loved and cared for him, there were some glaring issues I couldn’t ignore like his unwillingness to be communicative and open like a partner should. We were intent on getting married and meeting with his pastor regularly to orchestrate a move to be together and have a family. But in the midst of our 4 years relationship, he overstayed his visa and lost his corporate job in the process. He had no choice but to secure a job under his pastors church where she eventually appointed him as a youth minister and personal assistant. He was making a menial salary at the time and was fully committed to making our relationship work. Even though I was emotionally supportive, I told him that he’d have to get an apartment on his own to prove that he could handle the responsibilities of living on his own before marriage, for this is what we both wanted. This would be a true testament of his love for me and so I agreed to give him time for this to occur. I waited for over a year and grew more impatient thinking the likelihood of him finding a place in New York was slim. When I pressed him for answers, he wouldn’t provide details but say that he was working on it. What eventually broke us up after his visit to Boston was his admittance that his missing ID had become an issue in securing an apartment (they needed one from the applicant). I hadn’t known about this at all because I’m a US citizen and hardly know the steps illegals have to go through in these cases. I realized not only did he try to withhold this detail from me but this was far beyond our control. Plus, what else was he ashamed to tell me? I knew the relationship couldn’t go the distance especially with the idea of us surviving as a married couple in the future. What would my future with him look like? Bleak, struggling to make ends meat? He and I are both faithful servants of the Lord so he’d reassure me to not lose hope in our ability to survive. But surely in the back of my mind, I’d be the one to carry my entire family just so that he could settle for a menial job at the church as a minister/personal assistant. He told me that he couldn’t see himself going back to work even after the marriage. I was honest about my feelings and we parted ways but he refused to stay friends and/or talk to me at all. Even when I got into a car accident and landed up in the hospital this past Fall, he didn’t bother reaching out to offer support. It’s as if he has written me off completely. This hurts sometimes and I guess it’s his way of moving on? It’s heartless! His sisters, however, are hospitable and talk to me on social media but he pretends as if I don’t even exist because I hurt him so badly. I don’t regret the decision I made to split ways but is there anything I can say to make things right between us as friends? Thanks! Note: Since our breakup, he managed to find an apartment. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 December 2017):
Leave him alone. Sister you are a piece of work.You dumped him when he was down and now you want to be friends. He doesn’t want to be your friend and you need to stop trying to force him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): Leave him alone. You don't breakup with someone and insist they be friends!!! He doesn't have to give a hoot once you tell him you don't think the relationship will work. His decision is to cut ties and move on. Respect that. Your accident is most unfortunate; and I wish you a full recovery. He has no particular obligation to be concerned. It's not very compassionate, but that's how hurt he is.
It's evident he has issues with immigration if his visa has run-out; evidenced by his missing ID. He may have been counting on marriage to give him naturalized-citizenship, and it fell through.
It is quite apparent he wasn't meeting the legal-requirements the Dept. of Immigration sets to maintain his visa and his job. He was so sure you were going to get married. He's keeping his menial-job; because it gives him a lower profile. He would be required to prove he has the necessary documentation in order to work in a more significant job, and you know that.
I see no reason why he has to want to be friends; when you see so many reasons he isn't good enough to be your husband.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 December 2017):
 Well the problem here is likely something else, but what you can learn from this is:
When you break up, it's because something is broken. Staying friends is always a bad idea. Staying friends keeps both of you from finding the relationship you need.
Marriage is not a path to acquire wealth. If you cannot support yourself and your own dreams, no man can give you enough money to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 December 2017):
 Why is it so important to you to stay friends with him? You know why (at least for the time being) HE cannot be friends with YOU - because it would hurt him too much. He doesn't want to be your FRIEND; he wanted to be your husband. Now that THAT is not possible, he doesn't want ANY contact with you. For him, it was all or nothing. That is HIS choice and HIS right, just as it was YOUR right to end your relationship.
You need to move on and leave him to get over the breakup in whatever way he needs to - including not having contact with YOU.
In time, when you have both moved on and he is not as sore, you may be able to be on better terms but, for the time being, it is not something he wants. You need to leave him be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): Hello,
It seems that the underlying issue is that you felt it wouldn't work out long term because of his inability to communicate when things weren't going well for him, or when he made a mistake such as losing an ID & overstaying on a VISA,
It seems by your comment at the end mentioning "He managed to find an apartment after we broke up" that you still hold out hope that he is going to change his ways & want to smooth things out to become friends again & maybe in the future see what happens, you cared and continue to care for him as seen from your empathy of his pain, But you need to recognise your own right choices, if he is unable to take action and lead the household as a male christian, how can you expect him to lead you in faith? It may be for the best that he has found new life in working for the church & how God has let you both find a new path.
I would recommend being honest with yourself and assessing your motives for wanting to "make things right"
and let go knowing that you are making the right decision. Men generally internalise and for a season he may be very antisocial, but live life without concern for his wellbeing as you are lucky to know that he is well looked after without your input. God has things in hand and if it right then you will be able to be in each others lives as friends in the future. But it takes time.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 December 2017):
 Leave the man be.
Why do you feel like you have to be on good terms? This is how some people deal with breakups. I'm the same, I wouldn't contact any previous partners even as friends as there is simply no point.
You don't owe each other anything, so just leave it as it is and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2017):
 I think sometimes in courtships (while we date) BIG things happen and HOW both parties react can become a make it or break it situation.
WHY could he not have gone back to where he came from and REDID his VISA and either gotten the job back or a new one? It kind of doesn't make sense that he paid SO little attention to something SO important. One thing is not having the money to either extend a VISA or go home but for him to have had a good job and then not pay attention at all, it makes no sense.
Even if you HAD married him (KNOWING his illegal state) could have gotten YOU in trouble too. And he didn't seem to care about that either.
I have to ask HOW did that happen? How did he come to that point?
Do you know? Or did you get a glossed over version of events?
He has EVERY right to not want to be your friend after the break up. He doesn't OWE you friendship. Just like you didn't OWE him to take care of him financially for the rest of your/his life while he puttered around not really contributing.
I think you need to ACCEPT that he doesn't WANT to be a part o your life anymore. Things didn't work out. And partly because HE didn't bother to ensure his VISA was current.
Let him go, OP.
He isn't going to become the man you were hoping he would be. Nor the friend you would like.
Find someone whom you have more in common with and an ACTUAL future with.
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