A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I’m in a new relationship (few months) with a man about 6 years older than me. I adore him and he’s a sweetheart but I am finding that we tend to argue a bit too much over silly things , we never fall out though and we make up with each other . He’s only ever been in two other relationships (only short ones -6 months ) and isn’t used to having a girlfriend and has been single for years. I think he’s finding it hard to adjust. I am currently living with him and spending pretty much everyday with him as I was made homeless but I will be moving into my own place very soon (we were thrown into the deep end fast) . We currently do everything together when we aren’t working. He has a lot of female friends and one in particular is quite obsessive with him, telling him she loves him and that she misses hanging out with him . They lived together for about 5 years but were never dating , just friends. Apparently he helped her through some suicide attempts so feels like a brother to her. At first I was a bit funny about it because I didn’t really know this girl, this caused quite a few arguments too. He did once have feelings for her and wasted any years wanting to be with her but he has told me they have gone.First question is - am I a bad person for getting angry when she messages him love hearts and sends him cards telling him she loves him lots. They have been friends for about 10 years. Am I wrong for feeling angry? This girl is getting married next year and she needs to grow up . Secondly- he never wants to take photos with me , or have a social media presence with me. When we are out he doesn’t tend to hold me or kiss me in public. Sometimes I’m holding his hand and he will shake me off. I feel sometimes like he’s ashamed of me. I have very low self esteem, I feel like the ugliest women onEarth. And I just want him to tell me I’m beautiful for once or just at least have a photo of us both together. Is this too needy from me? Does it sound like he’s ashamed of me? Should it be like this after only a few months? :-( thanks My previous relationship was so different. I was treated like a goddess , like no other woman on this planet mattered , I feltLoved. . Now I’m sitting with a man who looks at big Boobed Instagram models in his spare time while his lady is sat right next to him and he tilts his phone away from me so I can’t see . Am i right to feel angry? Or is this me being selfish? Like he said , he’s allowed to look at models because he can’t physically be with them.
View related questions:
self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, R4nd0m  +, writes (29 December 2017):
 I'll be honest... I felt uncomfortable reading about how he lived with another woman for five years, that he ogles other women on Instagram, and how his female friend seems too close for comfort.Sweetheart, this is the definition of an unhealthy relationship.GET OUT.This man does not love or respect you at all. Any other man would be proud of you and show you off as much as possible to his family, friends and the world. Like you said yourself: you were treated like a Goddess in your last relationship - you should still feel this way with THIS man. But you're not. And yes - you are VERY justified in feeling angry towards him.Please leave this man. When you do, every morning go the mirror and tell yourself everyday "I AM beautiful, I AM important, and I AM fan-freaking-tastic". The next time you see your soon-to-be ex, say to him "Y'know what? I deserve better. You can't handle this". and walk away - live your life.One of the agony aunts for one of my own questions remarked that one way to overcome insecurities in a relationship is to distract yourself and focus on your own desires and interests. They went on to say that once you are yourself and express your passion and desires in life, you reflect your true beauty to others which will attract other men to you. And that's what I advise you to do.Live your life and love yourself. And when you do, you will attract the right person for you.Now get away from that loser! Best wishes xx
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 December 2017):
 Why are you asking us (random strangers in the Internet) permission to be upset over your BF's behavior?
The relationship doesn't sounds health or good AT ALL. The sooner you move out and ditch him, the better (for you).
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): I think a grown-man who hasn't had a significant long-term relationship raises red-flags about his personality; and how he has treated partners, or interacted within his past relationships.
I think you need to check your feelings and curb your jealousy. You are now living with him out of need, not as a part of your romantic-connection. If he disrespectfully views pictures of women and hides it; there's yet another red-flag you should be concerned about. He can view anything he wants to on his phone, and doesn't need to ask your permission; but knowing how it affects your feelings should be reason not to do it.
I'm quite concerned about how you've come to homelessness and how you've had to move-in with a man. What about your family or friends? Have you no family support-system established in your life where you have people who love you to turn to? Being forced to live with someone out of necessity...well, that raises red-flags too!
I don't think a person should go into a relationship with issues with their self-esteem and starving for validation. You should deal with that first. Self-esteem is homegrown and self-induced; and needing it from other people means you have a deficiency of self-confidence and self-love. I do understand we all need positive-reinforcement from the people we love. That's different. You shouldn't be dependent on it to feel good about yourself.
I can't think of a day that goes by that my boyfriend and I don't offer each other some form of affection or a sincere compliment. In a relationship, it should flow spontaneously. If a man doesn't offer them; he's taking you for granted. There's no excuse or argument for the lack of it. Any man who tries to is only rationalizing to cover his own weakness in that area. All human-beings need encouragement and praise from those we love and cherish. As long as it is sincere and heartfelt. If it never occurs to a person to praise a loved-one, I question if they truly feel love or appreciate that person. Same as you do.
I think you should move-out as soon as you can. You've had a golden-opportunity by living with him to determine exactly how he feels about you. I think aside from jealousy of his lady-friend; you feel tolerated rather than cherished. I think not publishing his relationship or sharing photo op's with you, means you're more into him than he's into you.
From what you've said, I gather he doesn't seem to feel your living with him establishes anything special regarding the relationship. Rather it's more along the lines of charity.
I think your feelings about images on his phone is less important compared to how you're otherwise treated. Like you're a secret and his charity-case. Personally, I myself would feel very uncomfortable with that.
I think you need to pace your feelings. Emotionally? Maybe you should pull-back some. He's not demonstrating enough affection for you to justify all your cozy warm feelings towards him. Reciprocity is important in a relationship. He may like rescuing women; but love shouldn't be confused with gratitude.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 December 2017):
 There's so much that's wrong here!
You're living with a man you barely know. Why? Why him? Don't you have anyone else to turn to? What would you have done if he weren't on the scene?
He lived with some woman for FIVE years.. And you kidding me when you say they didn't have a relationship? Either you're THAT naive or in complete denial!
He looks at women with big boobs on Instagram with you next to him...
All this and you're still asking if you're "allowed" to feel angry?
If it's permission that you're asking for from us, then yes, go ahead, feel furious..But not at him. Be angry with yourself for allowing him to treat you like shit. Come on OP, you're a big girl. Take some control over your life. Move out and stop seeing this catch of a man who apparently the "friend" girl cannot get enough of. Leave him for her and please get your life in order
...............................
|
