A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with a guy online for about 5 years now. I trust him alot and we do love each others. My problem is my parents. I've hated living with them. Everything has abnormal strict rules and im sick of it. I feel im living on a cage. Im an adult but i have strict mexican parents that stick to the fact *youre living under my roof, youre going to follow ny rules* and it just makes me mad. Im on the verge of breaking down because whenever i tell them to treat me like an adult they would not listen to me. Im always irritated by them, always distant from them and i literally cant stand talking to then anymore. My online bf lives in canada and his parents know about me and ive talked to them before, however my parents has no clue that im dating this guy. Im literally on the verge of leaving my house and move in to his in CA. I've been saving up money and working part time job and i have enough money to feed up my all needs. I dont know what to do. And every single day im convinced with the idea that i want to move out. I've been terribly abused by my parents and suffered like hell but i always forgive them but since i was 16 i just got fed up. My parents would never forgive me if i run away. What should i do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (6 November 2017):
 OP, we want to support you and would like you to come back to explain more.
What abuse have you suffered? We get many on here who feel that strict rules are abuse, but they aren't. It's very reasonable to have strict rules to live by when staying with your parents, just like you have with most landlords, employers, etc. Life in general is full of rules that don't always seem fair. We need you to explain the abuse, for us to understand.
As for moving to Canada, it's a foolish decision that would make your life more difficult, not easier. A responsible, mature adult (as you want/claim to be) would not consider running off to another country.
We also need to know more about your LDR. How many times have you met in person? How long have you spent in person altogether? Honestly, OP, as much as you won't want to hear it, if you haven't met at least a few times a year, for a couple of weeks at a time, you really have no idea what he's like in real life. It's not even a relationship, if that's the case. This is coming from someone who is all for long distance relationships, but only when they're realistic and not a fantasy.
You can't move out on a part-time job, unless you find a few people to have as housemates, probably in a cheap apartment, depending on your state. However, perhaps that's better than living in an abusive home. Look online for room rentals in your state, or other people who need roommates. You may need to work more hours or get a higher paying job, though.
Please, OP, don't be stubborn about this. You've been given good advice from people who know what it's like to be in abusive homes or have strict parents, fall for someone who is more of a fantasy than a reality and/or the immature desire to run off to be with a boyfriend/girlfriend. It would be good to get a response from you.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (6 November 2017):
 I have been in a similar situation when i was your age and i can tell you from personal experience that leaving your parents home to go and live with this guy in Canada isn't a good, nor smart idea at all.
You've never met the guy and when you've never met somebody, nor spent one on one time with him, you cannot possibly know who he really is, his true colours, his true intent, his weaknesses, his habits, his lifestyle and so much more.
Regardless of your not so ideal relationship with your parents, they're still your parents and at least you know them well.
If you head to Canada, chances are, things will not go as you'd anticipated, then you'd be heading home again and then what?
Your parents would never forgive you and you'd have done the wrong thing by them, as you are still living under their roof.
If things are so bad at your parents and you cannot cohabitate well with them, then think about moving into a relative's home, or a close gfs home instead, but do not go to live with a man you haven't ever met in the flesh.
What if, unbeknownst to you, he's an evil person, who hides his dark side really well or what if he has plans to hurt/harm you?
You may say, no, i know him well, no way.
I would add, "no", you actually don't know him well at all, because you've never met him and despite the online chemistry and bond, you cannot be sure it's still going to be there offline.
You cannot place trust in somebody you've never met.
You are placing yourself in harm's way, on so many levels, if you chose to fly to Canada.
You are so young, so please focus on your education, your job and continue with that and save toward your future.
In the meantime, stay at home until you can make a more sensible and reasonable arrangement to move out and live with somebody that your parents do know personally and somewhere whereby you'll be safe from potential harm.
I've truly learnt from my experiences and i would never advise a young woman to go off with a random guy that she's never met.
In your head, the outcome and the picture looks very dreamy and picture perfect, but in real life, it's very seldom like this.
Don't make any brash and crazy decisions, just because you can't stand living with your parents.
Think deep and hard about what's truly best for you and everybody involved.
Make your own future your priority, not make this guy a major part of your today, tomorrow and beyond.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (4 November 2017):
Running to this “boyfriend” in Canada is a bad idea. Have you actually met this guy? It doesn’t sound as if you have. But it is clearly past time to get out of your parent’s house. What are you doing to become an independent adult? Are you in school, do you have a job. Do you have friends you can trust and stay with? If you don’t have a job find one or two if necessary. Save your money and come up with a plan to leave. Ask a trusted relative or good friend if you can stay with them until you can get on your feet.But please drop this fantasy of running off to Canada to this boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 Easier said than done.
Does your long distance boyfriend want you to live with him ? Do his parents want you ? For how long ? How would you support yourself ? Or are they supposed to support you financially, for how long ?
I guess that as an USA Citizen you can enter Canada without too much red tape- for a visit. But staying there, and working there, it's all another story. I don't think they are too lavish with work permits to unskilled workers , and even if you can apply, it's not going to be an instant process , it may take a long time.
And what if the cohabitation does not work out and the romance is not up to your expectations. It sounds like in 5 years you haven't seen each other much , in person, or maybe never at all. From a distance love is not put to the test of daily cohabitation, what if the test fails, you find out that you do not get along and you break up ? what are they going to do, keep you under their roof even if the relationship is over ? Could you just go back to your family after you have run away sneakily, or exited slamming the door behind you ?
This plan is not well conceived as an adult would do - you want to be treated like an adult, but does not seem you think like an adult.
An adult would understand that " my house, my rules " makes sense; it may be frustrating, irritating, inconvenient, sure; but , at the end of the day, if you don't like the rules, or the house... who is keeping you ?. You can get a full time job, support yourself, and move out with a friend or roommates if paying a full rent on your own is not feasible, - in your own country where you won't have to break the law or go through tons of hurdles to stay . You can learn, in the meantime, to be independent, to make a living and to look after yourself and your new place, and THEN you can devise a plan , if possible at all and if this " LDR " is not just a pipe dream , to find out the fastest way available to you , in which you and bf can be reunited somewhere AND support yourself as independent adults.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): Planning on moving-in with your boyfriend and his parents? I guess they have no rules, and you both can do as you please? Of course, his parents are better than yours. They'll love you better than your own. While knowing you're a troubled and rebellious young lady. Perfect for their son!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): Running to your boyfriend from your parents already shows how bad your judgment is, and how right your parents are.
Parents usually ease their grip when they see maturity and reliability. When they know they can trust you. You can always try to compromise; by proving how responsible and independent you are. Not through blatant defiance or disrespect!
You're leaving home without an education beyond high school to move to Canada; with an economy that is totally different from what you may know. Then you'll have to deal with their immigration laws, to establish your citizenship. Hope you know the metric-system! How much French do you know?
You might think you can live on a server's salary, or working in retail; but you're going to have to earn twice as much as you do now. You're not a Canadian national; so you have to compete with naturalized local-residents for jobs.
You're going to put a lot of financial-stress on your boyfriend, possibly get pregnant, become disillusioned in about a year tops; then you'll want to come home. Then you will have firsthand knowledge of how difficult it is to support yourself; and extra mouths to feed, cloth, and shelter.
You don't know how good you've got it until you have to struggle on your own. You don't know how much your parents love you and how hard they work to give you the comforts of home; until you have to do without them. You'll miss the arms they held you in when you were scared or upset. The warm meals on the table, having a bed, a comfortable couch, and food in the refrigerator.
Excuse me miss, but you live by strict rules when you live in the real-world. There are rules at your place of employment. Bills have to be paid on time, or lights go out, water stops running, and there's no phone service or internet! No phone or internet???!!! Oh horror of horrors!!!
If you're under 21; you still may need parental-consent, or a co-signer for certain services or benefits.
You're likely to be pregnant within the first year you leave home. Adding more pressure and stress on your boyfriend; while making enemies of his parents. Who are keeping an eye on him to make sure he's not making a mistake. If he's also rebellious and comes from a dysfunctional-family, or has history of problems with the law; he should make life just heavenly for you! Provided he doesn't have a bad temper, isn't controlling, and doesn't have a secret-girlfriend that you don't know about. Life is so different, when you actually have to live with someone.
You're ungrateful and rebellious. I think you need more education and some job-experience; before you decide to uproot yourself. Thinking you're proving something to two people who know all about survival, raising kids, and dealing with the system.
Go ahead and defy your parents. Defy common-sense while you're at it. Yes, I'm tough with my advice! Simply because I know your parents are only wanting to protect you, and they only want the best for you. It's tougher raising a daughter. Sons don't get pregnant! It's easier for a boy to walkaway from an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy.
All parents want in return is respect; in exchange for free room and board. To include free meals, and clothing allowance. Even if you work, you couldn't afford your own place. Pay utilities, for phone and internet services, and have a car. Not all on your own.
I just wonder why you've never turned them in to the Department of Youth Services and Protection, or called the police? Why haven't your other relatives come to your rescue, knowing how cruel your parents are? Why haven't your teachers or school counselors noticed signs of child-abuse while you were in school? Didn't your neighbors notice there was something sinister about your parents? Why didn't you tell someone?
All your boyfriend needs is a runaway-girlfriend; who left her parents behind to worry after her, guilty only of being good parents. Knowing how the streets can get a hold of you; and turn you into only God knows what?
Yes it's their roof! They make rules while you're living under it; but you will find landlords set rules too! If you live in a rat and roach infested dump; the rules are usually less restrictive.
Landlords make you sign a lease-agreement; and take a healthy deposit to make sure you live by the rules of that signed-agreement. Or they will kick you out, and keep it!
You will also find that boyfriends expect certain things from you too; and will not put-up with just any kind of behavior. When you fight, he will not like your backtalk; and he will want to know where you're going, and what you're up to. He will comment on how you dress, your hair, and your make-up. He will not take orders from you; and he will want to do what he wants, just like you would.
You think you've got what it takes? Go for it!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 November 2017):
Like everyone else has said, moving to Canada is not a wise, responsible, mature thing to do.
What abuse have you suffered?
If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to act like one. Moving out is a good start, but not moving to Canada.
How many times have you met him in person? How long have you spent together in person?
OP, I've been in an LDR for 2 years and I get that there is a strong desire to live together, but it has to be realistic. Running away to another country is *not*.
Also, you should never move to another country to be with someone unless you'd be happy to live there alone, if the relationship doesn't last. Would you be happy living alone in Canada? Could you support yourself living alone in Canada? What would you do about friends? Getting a job? Dealing with the break up alone? It's not a good choice, OP.
Absolutely move out, if you can afford to rent a place IN YOUR STATE! Find a place that will rent a bedroom to you, or a studio apartment, or a small apartment that someone is looking for a housemate for.
Don't be silly enough to run away, let alone to another country to be with a guy, when it's (unfortunately) unlikely to last much longer - especially if you move in too soon. You need to learn to support yourself in your own country before risking having to do it in another one!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 If you are being terribly abused by your parents then why not contact the police or social services? Or a women's center, you should not have to go through this alone.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is an online one. If you have never met in five years then I would worry about the meaning off the relationship because you only know him on a online basis.
If you have money saved why move to Canada? Why not rent a place for yourself? As you say you are an adult now so its time to live like one, going to Canada shouldn't be an option unless you know this guy really well on a face to face level and have met his family and friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2017):
 Is moving out to your BF in Canada really your only option here?
If you have been "terribly abused by my parents and suffered like hell" is there a paper trail? Police reports? Or do you equate "abuse" to they are "strict"?
Because being abused and having strict parents are 2 VERY different things and accusing your parent of abuse is pretty serious.
The *you're living under my roof, you're going to follow my rules* is NOT at all unreasonable for a teen/young adult living at home. Any parent who GIVES a darned would tell you that.
Not saying they can't be both. Just wanting to ask you to clarify here.
If you have a job and an income maybe you moving out on your own is a better choice for now. Find a roommate situation or something YOU can afford. Moving to Canada is not like just moving to another state - you have to go through immigration, you have to get a visa. There are quite a few hoops to go through. That you haven't considered.
It seems like you are acting a little on impulse here.
You have known him 5 years. How many times have you met each other in person? Has he met your family? How much do you know about his history? Does he live on his own or with his family? Can they afford another mouth to feed? Do they really WANT you to live with them? As it IS a big responsibility for them as well. Can you get a job up there? What are you qualified to do? how much money have you saved up? What would the travel expenses be? Etc. Etc.
You want to do GROWN up things and be out on your own. with that comes a shit-ton of responsibilities. you want your parents to treat you like an adult, but you are ACTING like a child. Running away is what a kid would do. Especially without having ANY kind of real constructive plans.
It's not just packing a bag and be out the door, you have to think long-term here. If there IS abuse involved, then YES GET out of there and strike out on your own. It might mean that a part-time job won't cut it. You might have to find a full-time job. Again, it requires planning and thinking.
Being an adult is not about doing whatever the Hay-Hay you want. It's a lot duller than that. Responsibility, planning, consideration, negotiations, compromises etc.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (3 November 2017):
How well do you know this guy? Have you met him in person? Spent weeks with him in order to understand his habits and living patterns? Carrying on an on-line relationship is easy...infinitely easier than living together. You could very well split-up with him, living in another country and at a loss as to what to do next. Do you know whether his parents would be welcoming? Or how easy they'd be to live with? On top of that, check the USA/Canada immigration laws. American citizens can stay in Canada for only six months at a time before leaving the country for a mandatory six-month period. Where would you live when you come back to the USA and your parents are unwilling to take you back? Have you looked into whether USA citizens are allowed to work in Canada?
Think about how many young couples who move in together are really happy and still together after a year. Not many, at least around here. And your risk of a split is especially high if you haven't spent at least several months seeing each other in person on a day to day basis. If you really want to leave your parent's house, try getting a place locally and not cutting ties with them. Like them or not, your parents are your back-up when things become financially rough.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 November 2017):
 Maybe it IS time you moved out of your parents' home but I honestly don't think moving to your boyfriend's home in Canada is the answer. Firstly, does he even WANT you to move in with him? I get the impression you two haven't even actually met in person yet? Secondly, where would you go and what would you do if things didn't work out and he asked you to leave? You would be in a strange country with no friends or family to help you.
Can you move in with friends or family? Can you get a full time job and get a place of your own? Is there anyone in the family who could speak to your parents and convince them that you are at breaking point and that they need to lighten up in the way they treat you?
Please don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Think carefully before you do something.
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