A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently admitted he's had a threesome in the past and I can't seem to look past it. It's just made me look at him in a completely different light now. I know everyone has a past but I can't help but feel embarrassed FOR HIM over it.I'm completely against the idea of a threesome, in fact it disgusts me. But the worst thing is he doesn't seem ashamed by it at all. I didn't want to know the gory details but felt compelled to ask him how it happened. He basically said he and two of his old female friends were all into 'experimenting' and decided one night after a few drinks to indulge in a threesome together. When I asked if he regretted it he just smirked and didn't really give me an answer.Even though it was 3 years ago and long before we even met I still feel like it's tainted our relationship somewhat. At the same time though I feel bad and like I've got no right to judge him for it. We've only been together for 4 months and I do really like him but don't know if I can look past this from a moral point of view.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): Newsflash. I have never met a man who does like at least like the thought of a threesome. I believe it to be the most common male fantasy there is. Many men have and would try it if they got the chance.
You don't like the idea of it. Fine. We're all different, but if you want to find a man who doesn't at least dream about this scenario, then you're going to have a long search.
Don't judge him for it either, or be embarrassed for him. Not your place to be.
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 I'll be honest, I'm all for not caring about what people did in past relationships, but I draw the line If I find out that a boyfriend has been physically abusive towards other women in the past or was a bad parent, like never saw his kid then I would be worried, because in short it means they're not the kind of people I would want to be associated with, that is, people who are kind and loving and care about family, those are things I value. I'm not a prude, therefore if my partner has been to orgies, threesomes, had 100plus partners in the past I would only be concerned about STDs but other than that I would just make it clear that I am not interested in taking part in those things if he could accept that, good. If it's a deal breaker then it's over and both move on. Why are you worried, you think because he's had a threesome he's a slut and will cheat on you? I have to tell you, men who seem very faithful are the worst. I've worked with guys who looked like completely family men who would never cheat on their wives, but I knew better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2021): Have you had 2 sex partners before him? If yes, maybe you should reconsider. Some years ago a mixed group I hung out with, rented a beach house. My bubbly friend Joan and two guys went into a room to listen music. I liked the one song and went in the room to maybe dance with one of the guys. They were naked having sex with Joan. OMG, sorry. Joan later explains she went with both guys at different times, neither of them now. And they do this fairly often. Usually they take turns on her. But because of confines the rental they both went at once. I'll spare the exact details. She said they are 2 nice guys she feels comfortable with, "perfect storm guys" - "Don't knock it till you try it" -- No thanks. Today she's a wholesome soccer mom with a secret.
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A
male
reader, Openwideandsayahh  +, writes (22 July 2021):
People learn and change as time goes by. Sometimes an experience becomes available and people try it. It may not be something you would do, and it may not be something he would want to do again. On the other hand, be open to new ideas. Bring over a couple of your best looking girlfriends, you know, maybe one of them you always secretly wanted to get alone, and caress her shiny, silken hair, and press your hot, sultry lips against hers while slowly moaning her name. When your boyfriend comes home from work on Friday night, surprise him and ask if he wants to play a few rounds of strip poker with you and your friends. If he seems interested, he has an open mind and respects you. If he is more interested in watching a tv show like, the Martha Stewart Show or Queer Eye for the Barely Straight Guy, then you're best to encourage him to try other hobbies.Get some cheese and natchos, make some sandwiches and grab him a few cold six pack. Throw down a bunch of thick blankets on the living room floor, it might be a long night. Afterwards, you'll realize that being part of a 3-some or 4-some is simply regular enjoyable, healthy sex with even more people you care about. What could be more wholesome.If you don't like this approach, ask your boyfriend if he wants a three-some. If he says yes, introduce him to the hot guy that lives at the end of the block and say, "Let's get it on again, Tiger." Okay, don't do that, it probably won't work. I need something to eat, how should I be able to give quality advice when I'm hungry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2021): It would bother me too. And I think I would be disgusted every time I look at him knowing he was capable of doing such a disgusting thing. I would worry constantly that I was not enough for him. Or whether having sex with me would ever get boring and he would seek out another threesome. I think that your morals and his do not align. Would you want to marry a man like this? I would not. I would rather be with a man who did not have this kind of a past. Everyone says it was in the past but his character is his character. It does not matter how long ago he did it. What matters is that he DID IT, period. And that he COULD do it again. No, not all men do this. Some men would turn it down. It is NOT every man's fantasy. That is bullshit.Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. You will never feel equal to him. You will always feel like you are a sexual novice compared to him, and always question how good you are in bed and if you are being creative enough etc. You will forever feel INSECURE being with this man. And that insecurity will erode at you and chip away at your self esteem until you become a woman you no longer recognize. It will eat away at your happiness within yourself and in this relationship. A partner should raise you up, and his past is dragging you down. I would end it now. Four months in is not much time. You can do better than this man.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 July 2021):
 You have to understand that each and everyone of us has a past, unless someone has been living under a rock for the past 10 years its something we can't get away from.
The issue here is not about him having a threesome with two girls. The issue is now that you know are you going to be able to get over this obstacle?.
For starters it was 3 years ago, and i assume he has not done anything like this since. so this was kind of an experiment i suppose, the opportunity arose and he took it.
He has not broken your trust in anyway shape or form, he just divulged something he did 3 years ago, so i don't see it as a big deal really.
If you can treat this as water under the bridge and move on from this then all well and good.
If on the other hand you are going to keep this festering in the back of your mind, always niggling away at you, then probably best to end it.
Like i said, the issue is not the threesome 3 years ago, the issue is you being able to deal with it. You need to accept it was in the past, and move on with your lives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): I understand the shock. This is where he may have overshared; maybe in an attempt to be candid, or hinting around at something.
Let me suggest this. Look back into your own past. Between high school and college (if you attended higher-ed). Is there anything you did in the name of "experimentation?" Is there anything in your past you wouldn't care to share? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"
That doesn't mean you should lower your good standards just to accommodate someone of lesser moral-fiber. Just be sure there is no hypocrisy at play! He just might be a little more uninhibited and unrepressed than you can handle.
If you are a young-lady of high principles and morals; then you've just gotten your first red-flag. It has only been 4 months, and he's still under evaluation; so don't wait too long, if this is too much to digest. It will always egg you at the back of your mind; and no relationship will survive without trust.
The most important objective of dating is finding a proper match. If your values, morals, and standards don't coincide; somewhere along the line your principles will clash, and you'll find yourself always correcting and judging him.
The whole point is to find someone already possessing and factory-equipped with the qualities and character you're looking for; not someone you'll have to change, or lower your standards for.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 July 2021):
 If you are not prepared to hear the truth, then don't ask the question. Why would he regret having a threesome? He was young, he got the opportunity to do what a lot of people dream about, especially men, and he went for it. He presumably didn't cheat on anyone to do it. Of course he enjoyed it. And why would you be embarrassed "FOR HIM"? It is not your place to be embarrassed for him. His moral compass is his and his alone, just as yours is yours.
You need to decide whether you can get past this or not. There is no right or wrong here. It all depends on how you view this episode in his life. It sounds, from your post, like this is not something you will get past, in which case you need to wish him well and move on. You haven't invested long in this relationships so cut your losses and get out. He is not wrong for doing what he did (assuming all the participants were willing adults) but it is your right to decide what experiences you can live with and what will forever make you uneasy. Go with your gut instinct and don't waste his time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2021):
 YOU have to decide if this is a deal-breaker (for you) or not. If it is, end it.
Is he still friends with these two girls?
And no, he didn't regret it. He thinks he is a "stud" for having had a 3-some.
Your moral values and his don't quite mash. Doesn't make you a better person or him a worse person. It just means you don't have the same values and morals when it comes to sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): Like you said it's in the past. It may seem immoral to you but at the end of the day it's hardly a crime is it? You really shouldn't be judging him or holding it against him, especially as it was years ago before you even met. He shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it either. Just focus on what you have together now. 4 months in and you really like him, that should be all that matters.
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