A
female
age
41-50,
*ookiemon77
writes:Hi,My husband has a female friend I really don't like. The fact that we were dating and then living together, got married and just had a baby and I am just meeting her after almost 4 years really annoys me and frankly quit ticks me off. The first time I met her was at my baby shower. I was 8mths pregnant. Then after she came to the house to meet the baby. But there is something about her that I just don't like. She was also a problem in my husbands other marriage. Today he said that she would be coming by on Monday and that he was going to cook for. Really!!! He doesn't even cook for me. Not even when I'm sick or even when I was pregnant. That really ticked me off that she was soooo special that he would actually consider going into the kitchen for. My question really is. Am I exaggerating about his friend? I've stop being friends with some people because he can't stand them. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 That's good maybe he's not as attached to her as it seems
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female
reader, cookiemon77 +, writes (21 December 2011):
cookiemon77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMonday came and he told her not to come because we were busy.
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female
reader, cookiemon77 +, writes (18 December 2011):
cookiemon77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just think they should part ways already if he knows she brings him problems. Sometimes you have to do that in a relationship when your trying to start fresh in your life. Some people are just no longer good for you.
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female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (18 December 2011):
Hhhm well if thats the case i really dont blame you for.being suspicious coz i certainly wouldnt like it! If i were you I would have a very serious talk with your husband and also get to know this lady better, mabe then you will get to like her more, and if not you know the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemys closer!'
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female
reader, cookiemon77 +, writes (17 December 2011):
cookiemon77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut why haven't I met her till now? He didn't even invite her to our wedding. When he first moved her to Virginia a few months later she moved her. Now next year she is going to Florida and he says he wants to get an assignment in Florida. Its like if they were following each other around. I told him I do not want to move to Florida.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I agree, that her friendship is very important to him. I just ended a 12 year marriage over a friend. I confronted my wife an told her I was not cool with how close she was to this guy who she had history with. Didn't work for us, because it was taken as a accusation instead of a concern of mine. At the end of the day, you have to be careful with wording and timing for this conversation. I don't regret it because my ex-wife is dating the guy now. Like aunt honesty said, they would've hooked up after his last marriage if anything was going to happen between them. Just be prepared because it sucks if he takes it he wrong way and nothing is going on.
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 I wouldn't either, if I was you. If she has been in his life so long there's gotta be something. Trust your gut feeling on this one. Talk to HIM. He's the one keeping her around if he didn't let her come so close, she'll have given him the much needed space by now. How would he like it if you had this particular guy friend who was always checking on you. Two's company, three's a crowd.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): "She was also a problem in my husbands other marriage."Time for frank discussion with your husband about your feelings, and "feelings" is what it is about at this point, and how she has been "in his life" is in order.You don't know what this "friendship" is at this point, so don't make more of it than you know until you know more.You and he may need a trip to the counselor as well.It may not be him who has an issue, keep that in mind, it may not be you, it may even be her. However, emotions around things like this can destroy marriages.My wife always felt less than adequate compared to some of my female colleagues, even though I wasn't close to any of them and didn't socialize with them either. However, she is the one who had the affair, and it was because of her own perceptions of herself that led her down that path.So, watch yourself, and talk to your husband about how you feel.If I were you, I'd feel threatened and fearful in the same situation.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2011):
 What exactly made her a problem in his first marriage?
I think the way to deal with her depends on the answer to a question. That question is:
Have these two ever been more than friends?
This means, was she an old girlfriend, or did he have an affair with her while he was married the first time?
I think that if he's ever had any sort of sexual relationship or friendship, then it should be ended. If, however, they've never been more than friends, I think it's more of a gray area. You might want to ask him if he would be as comfortable if you had a similar friendship with another man that he does this woman. Would he like the idea of another man cooking for you, or you cooking for another man, especially one you've not been letting him get to know?
The second question is:
Has he requested you to end friendships you had? If the answer is yes, then I think he should reciprocate. If he's told you that he doesn't like friends you have and pressured you strongly to end them, then I think he should be willing to do the same.
Keep in mind, you're also feeling vulnerable because you have a new baby and are feeling at a disadvantage as well as fluctuating hormones. If you've known that he's had this friend the whole time, suddenly requiring that the friendship be discontinued would be a bit unfair. You may feel touchy about the amount of attention he's been giving you versus other people. That would mean that his behavior towards this woman might bother you more than at other times.
Again, if he's ever been more than friends with her in the past, it should end. You never mentioned her marital status. Usually, a girl with a boyfriend or a husband is less inclined to keep close male friends, since men are usually less tolerant of male figures in his wife's/girlfriend's life than the wives are with their husband's.
I don't know of any guy who would be okay with their wives carrying on a close personal friendship with another man along the lines of inviting just him over and cooking for him, or letting his wife go over to another man's house to have him cook for her. There are simply things you don't do once you're married.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (17 December 2011):
Yep I'd be feeling like you are about her too! I'm not sure what to advise you to do here. Can you talk to her about it? Ask her what the deal is with her friendship with your hubby. She might be more honest about it than him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I think this is a problem but it's not her, it's your husband. And it may point to longstanding weaknesses in your relationship with him.He's been keeping secrets from you for the last 4 years. why? because he must have known it was not going to make you happy. Yet now he's finally telling you because he sort of has to if he wants to share the latest development in his life with her, which is his new baby. but the fact that he kept this from you for so long when clearly they're close, is the problem that I see. That means that your relationship with him is not what you thought it was. Isn't that a red flag? what else is he keeping from you now?I don't think you're over reacting at all, but I think you're reacting at the wrong target. It's not her you should be upset about, it's HIM. You should talk with him about why he kept this from you for so long, and what exactly is the nature of their relationship.
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (17 December 2011):
Does your husband respect this marriage at all? If she was a problem in the previous, he should be trying to avoid any mistake. I will be jealous to if my man don't cook for me but cooks for her best friend. You need to have a conversation. You actually have grounds for being suspicious and its not loke you are making things up. Ask him to reverse the role and he should tell you how it will feel if you did something you have never for done for him for another guy. The only woman your husband should be cooking for is you and his mother. Or suggest that you want to do the cooking yourself so it doesn't feel awkward having your man in the kitchen cooking for another woman.Whatever you do, have this conversation using your feelings to express your emotion and not your action. Don't use th eowrd "You can not see that woman" Use "I feel angry when we go out of our way to do special things for other people such as .... How can we fix this darling?" notice you are using the word "We" and "Feel". Good luck. Some of these men just don't have boundaries and its something we have to deal with sometimes or choose not to.
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female
reader, goldie22 +, writes (17 December 2011):
I think you need to tell him how you feel.asap expeshally if.this woman was a problem in a previous marriage. There is nothing wrong.with him having a female friend at all but when there are feelings like this you need to do something. Is she with somebody? If she is why not ask.if she could bring them along, or another friend, also try getting to know her better, she may not.be too bad, but most of all tell your partner.that your feeling a bit.neglected.and.need some tlc. I do think.it is bad when a man wont cook for the mother of his child but will do it for som1 else!Most of all try and remember that even if they are.close it.is you he has chosen to marry and hav a baby with. It sounds like he has known her a long.time. So if they were gonna get together it probably would have happened after his first marriage. Best of luck hun i hope it all.works out xx
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 To be honest, it sounds to me like this friend is really important to him, therefore it would be a bad idea to ask him to stop being friends with her. Could it be that you do not like this woman because you feel that she is a threat to your marriage? It sounds to me like you are jealous because she has your husbands attention and you know it has caused trouble in the past? Maybe this is in the back of your mind therefore you do not want to give her a chance.
At the end of the day when his last relationship ended he would have got with her and not you if that is how he felt. It is obvious that he just sees her as a close friend. Someone who he can talk to and relate to and it does not sound like you have anything to worry about here. If you trust him then you need to accept that she is his friend and start making an effort.
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