A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, my bf has 3 kids wit his ex. The youngest is only 5 months. They were split up while she was pregnant. Her choice as well as his. Sometimes he goes to the house to look after the kids. He says she goes out while he is there. I am not sure if i believe this. Would u be ok with this if u were me. I dont like him going out to the house and spending time there. He doesn't live with me. He takes the kids to his parents normally. Now his job means he only takes them overnight twice a week. It wud be a lot of hassle to take the youngest out of the house with getting things ready and whatnot. So should i be ok with him to spend time in the house? I'm not trying to b selfish but I'm uncomfortable wit him being around the ex coz i get paranoid about him wanting to rekindle a relationship with her. Any thoughts please??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (7 February 2015):
 Put very bluntly: if you can't trust him, you need to leave him; he's doing the right thing and it's your issue to either move on from or leave him over :/
Longer, but still short response: I'm not saying he won't cheat, but if you can't trust him not to, you shouldn't be with him. By the sounds of it, you've found a good father who is in a complicated situation and appears to be making the best of it. It's up to you to decide if you're really able to take on a guy with kids....
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (7 February 2015):
Either you learn to accept it and trust him or you leave him. The choice is yours, but sure to having kids with her it's necessary for him to go over there sometimes.
In the bright side, if he does rekindle things with her that means he's a cheater and good riddance!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement either to be honest. Things happen even with the best of intentions.
You two should get your own place and the kids can come and stay with you.
But if you're not at the stage of moving in yet then I don't know what to advise you.
Personally I'd break up with him because the situation is too complicated for me.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 February 2015):
 It is what it is. Are they legally divorced? What was the major reason for their divorce? Why would you think there is a possibility of them reconciling?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2015):
 His kids comes first.
This is about you not trusting him, my guess is you caught him lying before? Or you are insecure, because you think he might go back BECAUSE of the kids?
Whether she LEAVES to STAY shouldn't matter. Having a CIVIL "relationship" (or call it interactions) with the mother of your kids is a GOOD thing. Guys who CAN maintain an appropriate and civil level of interactions is BY FAR a better father for his kids and better partner. It's about respect and honoring his RESPONSIBILITIES towards his kids.
IF you think telling him, you can't see your kids AT her house, I think the likelihood of him picking HIS kids over you, is LARGE.
If you think that telling him, you can't see your kids AT her house will STOP him from rekindle anything with her (IF he still has feelings for her) - I think you are wrong. IF he has feelings for her, he will FIND a way around it. OR just plain lie to you.
YOU think by trying to control him, he will stay with you. Life doesn't work that way.
HIS kids have TOP priority OVER you. Always will. Honestly, a MAN who PUTS his kids first is a decent guy. SO many deadbeat dads, just walk away, and start over with a new woman in some endless cycle. YOUR BF WANTS to RAISE the kids he made. HE wants to be part of their lives, despite the fact that he and their mother no longer are together. And you? You want to control this, because you think he could/maybe /perhaps decide to go back to her.
You ask if anyone would be OK with this. Yes, IF I trusted the guy I was dating. And I would rather date a guy who puts his KIDS first, than someone who walked away and "just" sent a monthly check. BUT IF I were single with no kids, I would NOT want to get into a relationship with a guy with 3 kids again. Because it IS hard work. It can be WAY more drama filled then you imagine.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 February 2015):
His ex is going to be a part of his life for the next 18 years minimum. You'd better get used to this.
Suck up that jealousy. Those are his children and they come before you.
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