A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone else suffered with trust issues that they just can't overcome?I'm 34 and had 3 long term boyfriends, the first of which cheated on me twice with the same girl. The second cheated on me numerous times throughout the relationship and the third was living a double life with his ex the entire relationship. I deliberately stayed single for 2 years following the last one as I literally became of the mindset that I would never have a happy relationship because no man on the planet is capable of being faithful!! after about a year I met a man through mutual friends who seemed very nice and seemed to like me but I was honest and told him I wasn't looking for a relationship. 2 years on and this man continued to work hard to be in my life, he said he really likes me and wants to be the one to show me that all men aren't the same. We took things very slowly as by this time he knew why I didn't want a relationship. We had 5 months where I really thought he was different and I really found myself falling for him. Last week I had a facebook message from a girl I didn't know. She told me she was his ex girlfriend and they'd still been meeting up for drinks and walks and that she knew what she was doing was wrong as he had me now, but she couldn't deny 'the spark' between them.. She went on to say he discusses lots of things with her and she knew all about my past and so she wanted to tell me they were in touch as she knows he was hiding it from me and she didn't feel it was fair. I confronted him and he admitted they've met up several times but it's not been sexual. He said he has a 'connection' with her that would be hard to break but he'd stop seeing her if he had to choose. I feel so disgusted and humiliated that yet again this has happened. After getting to know him for 2 years and genuinely believing he was different, he's just the same as the others. How can I move on from this? I feel like I'll be unhappy and alone forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): For several years after my life-partner passed away; I went through a period when I just couldn't feel much of anything for anyone else. He meant a lot to me, and we had spent most of our adult-lives together. The first year after he died, I became celibate. I simply didn't have sex with anyone, partly because it made me feel guilty; and partly because I attach too much feeling to the act of sex. I found casual-sex just too empty.
Looking more into it, I just didn't trust anyone; because the grief took over. I just couldn't stand going through the feeling of loss again. Loss is very hard to get-over when you really cared for the person. So I serial-dated. Nice guys really liked me, did everything they could to get me to open-up, show some feeling. I just would not allow that part of me to open-up. Made up lame excuses.
Holding back was doing me more harm than good. Life has no guarantees. You start fresh with each person you meet. They deserve to be given a chance. Even if you have to risk being hurt. It's unfair to punish the next guy; especially when he is taking the same amount of risk with his own feelings. I was so busy being selfish, I forgot the pain I was inflicting by rejecting those guys who actually fell for me. We have since become very close friends; but not before breaking their hearts. I was looking out just for myself; but overlooking the effort they put forth into trying to win me over. I was foolishly overlooking great opportunities. The only risk was losing these special people in my life. You don't always get another chance.
I had finally met someone who was able to reach into me; and I fell for him. He took me on expensive vacations, we bought each other fancy expensive gifts, and we spent a major amount of our free-time together. Out of the blue, he dumped me. No fight, no cheating, no reason. Maybe it was my karma for the hearts I'd broken before. Sheltering my own feelings.
Of course I was hurt. I waited all this time to meet someone I could open myself to; only for them to dump me like that. I stopped to think. In spite of the risk and the pain; I could feel for a guy again. If not for him, I'd still be just meeting one guy after the other. Being friendly, but offering nothing more of myself. I was the one losing out. Putting a tarp over my heart. Shielding it from life. Being lonely out of unsubstantiated fear of "what might happen." He could die or something!
Sometimes you meet people whose only purpose in your life is to exercise your heart muscles; and be around for only a fixed amount of time. Their job is to keep you feeling, offer you companionship, and to help you grow in some way. Unfortunately, you don't always get to keep that person. Withholding trust and feelings, just makes you an empty shell.
Why bother searching and committing to relationships; if you're not going to let yourself go? So you've made past mistakes. All guys don't cheat. You've got to get it right someday. Regardless, you've survived them all. They didn't kill you. The mistake being made is, you're giving them power over your feelings. You've let them steal-away your courage and ability to exchange trust in return for trust given to you. Anyone with you now would be wasting his time. So remain single until you're healed.
I'm sorry that those guys cheated on you. Sometimes guys do that. Life is a journey. It leads us all to someplace. A final-destination after all the lessons, challenges, failures, and accomplishments. Sometimes we get payback for things we've done that hurt other people.
Every-time we hit a snag; we have to learn to cope, regroup, and pull ourselves back together. If we fall apart and stay that way; when that golden opportunity arrives again. We'll either miss it; or mess it up, by still living in the past relationship. There will always be challenges, unforeseen disappointment, and sometimes heartbreak. There is always the possibility of meeting another cheat, or someone might die. That's just how life goes.
I met someone back in April 2014. This is almost two years after being dumped. I decided I'd take a risk, but not form an immediate commitment. Just open-up and enjoy it for what it is worth. He is a special guy. He places no pressures on me, and he's quite an easy-fit. He has told me about some major heartbreak he has faced, and someone cheated on him as well. We've both come a long way. We are still going strong and we've put the past behind us. This is our present. I'm not worried about the future. I'm not a fortune-teller. Why worry about what hasn't happened yet?
We've learned that each person in our lives is different. We gave ourselves time to get over things that impaired our ability to trust ourselves and others. I can tell you, it's really comfortable living one day at a time; and not being paranoid. If I should lose him for any reason, I'm not shutting-down again. Had I held back, I would have missed this wonderful guy in my life. He's not perfect, he might cheat on me; or he could up and die. I'm not going to hold back. I'm going to enjoy what I have and not let the lack of trust steal from me anymore. I thought I would share this with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): Well it sounds like she is his confidante. I mean when they meet up for drinks and take their walks, he is talking about you. That's how she knows so much about you. A guy who is being sneaky wouldn't do that. Like the guy you dated who lived the double life with his ex, you never heard a peep about the ex.But I don't know what is going through this lady's mind. Probably every time she goes out with him all she hears about is you. And she got jealous and started to question his motives herself. And instead of walking away since clearly she couldn't get what she wants from him, she decided instead to sabotage it for you and him.He should've told you, however, that he was carrying on some sort of friendship/relationship with her. But you can never be too sure about anything. I don't blame you for being upset. He shouldn't have put you in that predicament. He has got a lot of redeeming and explaining to do. I don't blame you if you shun him. You have got to look out for you. You should never put up with even a tiny amount of disrespect from a guy. One of my guy friends gave me that advice. It is very wise and very true.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2015):
 I think your BF made quite a few screw ups.
1. He didn't tell you about the contact with the ex. If he IS serious about you, KNOWING your past, he should also know that HONESTLY is what "could" set him apart from exes. Whether they have something going on her not... LYING (by omission) is JUST as damaging as cheating.
2. HE discussed YOUR issues with the ex. THAT is a NO NO. Just no, it's NONE of her fracking business.
3. HER motives. I agree with "Nonny". She might have her own motives for contacting you and they ARE NOT to HELP you. If THAT was her intentions she would have TOLD the EX (your BF) that he ought to tell YOU about her/contact. She went straight to you and "told" on him. TO me that screams conflict of interest, specially when she doesn't FAIL to mention their "Sparks". You don't have "spark" with someone you are platonic about. I think this EX is a very shrewd drama-llama, who is hoping to "win" him back.
Now back to you. First of all, as hard as it it, YOU need to let go of the past, and how EXES treated you. Whomever you are getting to know or interested in, shouldn't "pay" for exes misdeeds.
You have had some shitty BFs. THAT is a fact. NOT all men cheats. THAT is a fact too.
YOU know what you want, a FAITHFUL partner. So ALWAYS start with a clean slate. TALK about honesty, and truth.
A PARTNER should be ABLE to talk to an ex, even met up (though if there is still some "spark" then he shouldn't BE dating. OR he shouldn't be seeing her as a "friend".) HE should however BE honest about it. TRYING to sort of BLAME you as the reason he didn't tell you... IS BULLCRAP. Either he wants a HONEST relationship WITH you or he doesn't. And he shouldn't put the RESPONSIBILITY on you, whether he can stay friends with her or not. A GROWN ASS MAN, should KNOW how this "friendship" can be perceived, not only BY you, but by this ex. (who I think is holding out hope that he will come back to her).
I had some severe trust issue after BF #3 (1 and #2 were good guy, #3 a total douche-lord living a lie) And didn't date AT all for quite a while. So when I met my now hubby, I didn't WANT to fall for him, didn't want a relationship. But he was persistent and very open and honest. Well, we have been together for 19 years, so obviously I "got" over the trust issue thing. But it was something I had to figure out. Another PERSON (like a BF) can't fix that for you, they can't erase the past.
As for the past? ALL you can do is look back and take whatever lessons was in there, and learn from them, then LET IT GO. Look to the future, LIVE in the now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): I have to wonder about his ex's motives. She felt that talking to him was wrong but instead of breaking it off herself, she went and told you about it, maybe hoping to get you out of the picture. She wants you to know they have an intimate friendship behind your back, without any assurance that she'll stay away from now on.I think due to your previous bad experiences, you are looking at the present situation in a very harsh light, which is totally understandable. But I wouldn't make any quick decisions in the heat of the moment. It is common for some people to stay friends with their exes and for it to really be just friends. And he did say he would choose you over her if it came to it.Whether your bf majorly screwed up or not is debatable. It's not totally unacceptable to maintain some kind of relationship with an ex, and if you had a partner with severe trust issues, you'd be tempted to conceal it too. You might consider giving him another chance, it's up to you.
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