A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just a question about cohabitation: My boyfriend works 50 hours a week, and I am currently unemployed (but looking) I contribute economically, and do all the cooking and cleaning except for one night where he makes dinner.Usually he does his own laundry, because he likes doing it himself. Last week he had been too tired and busy, so I tried helping him by doing part of the laundry. I washed/folded all his whites and ironed his shirts, he just had to remove the other clothes from the dryer and out them away. I told him this as well.I helped him so he would have more free time, he was grateful but he did not take out the clothes out of the dryer or hung them for days (I had not noticed)He later said that he was sure I would do it. That since I was so sweet to do everything else he thought I would do it.This bothered me because I felt taken for granted, I disliked that it was expected of me to do that.What if he lived on his own? Wouldn't he be responsible for his OWN laundry?I am not interested in marrying this man, even less if he cannot take care of himself.Would a comment like this bother you? I really hate to be treated or thought of as a maid. i know he did not mean anything wrong by it, but I disliked it. I feel he is pretty old to take care of his own laundry, when I did it I was being kind and helpful, not because I am supposed to.Honestly, if he had asked me nicely to put his clothes away I would have. He has asked me before to help me when he has too much work or forgets to it. I do not mind helping him, but it is different when he takes me help for granted.Am I an unreasonable person? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 His comment could really just be coming from an innocent place. He knows that you are currently unemployed and that you have been doing the laundry... so naturally if you had bn doing the laundry... you would see there are clothes in the dryer and remove them..
Helping your partner out does not turn you into a maid! It just means that you care for someone enough to be supportive.. esp. considering that he is working and you are not. You have more free time than he does.. if you don't want to do it...then don't but don't calculate the things you are doing for him and then put labels on it! Its a recipe for disaster! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): My partner works full time and I'm at home looking after the place and our child. I have no problem with doing everything as he works and supports me. I have no income of my own. Also he cooks and usually dose his washing. So he cleanly be that bad. Oh and if you don't want to marry the guy why are you living with him ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Yes, I think you are being completely unreasonable because you seem to feel like him expecting you to do all of his laundry is some way of taking you for granted or putting you into some stereotypical 1950's pre-feminist woman/housekeeper role. This is not at all what has happened here.
You started doing his laundry so he thought you were going to follow through and finish it. He usually doesn't have a problem with following through and doing his own laundry himself, so why would he have assumed you would do anything less than what he usually does for himself? This is simply equality.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2013):
 You contribute financially. You aren't indentured to him. You contribute equally to cooking and cleaning, meaning he and you split the care of the house 50%. If you were college roommates, the amount of money you make wouldn't determine the chore level. When you get your job, it'll be less of an issue.
In this case with the laundry, I don't think this was a case of taking you for granted. Some people don't consider the laundry complete until the folding and stowing are over.
I wonder if some of this has to do with your job search and all that. I totally get the frustration, but you will find a job, and all of this will be a memory. If your guy isn't usually playing money politics at home, this one you might want to blow off for now, or if you really can't let it go as a communication misunderstanding, then talking it out calmly and rationally may be a good idea. Sometimes, assumptions can lead to misunderstanding, which can lead to hurt feelings. As a partnership, you both can set the rules.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (20 June 2013):
 "I am not interested in marrying this man, even less if he cannot take care of himself."
Just curious, if you're not interested in marrying him, why are you living together? Living together is basically going through the motions and the mechanics of a married couple - minus the legal benefits. So if you're not interested in marrying him, why bother? Why cook and clean for a man? Why go the extra mile to be helpful?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2013):
 I think the MORE you do for a partner the MORE they are going to expect from you.
(this goes both ways of course)
IF you don't WANT to do his laundry, then don't do it.
I would bring it up with him. If he is paying all the bills I don't think it's TOO much for him to expect is that you help out with household stuff, BUT that doesn't mean you have been "demoted" from equal GF to maid. The best way to figure out what you BOTH think is OK is to TALK about it and AGREE on it.
Don't resent things, talk them out.
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