A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a major issue with my boyfriend of 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. He's the first person I've fallen in love with, and sometimes I wonder if that's the problem. My being too in love. Let me state that I don't know if this is MY issue or stuff he's actually doing to make me feel this way. Anyway, I have NO trust in him anymore. I've started accusing him of lying about everything. I question his every move, his motive, everything. He's never been unfaithful (that i'm aware of) and never given me ANY reason to think he's cheating. I just don't trust ANYTHING anymore. If he appears offline on xbox I accuse him of doing so to talk privately with a female (which he doesn't want me doing with men) without me finding out. If he sends a friend request to a girl on facebook or some other networking site, I think it's because he finds her attractive and is going to try and get with her. If he texts me and tells me he's sleeping, I don't believe it. I believe he's doing something else and just doesn't want to be bothered. I accuse him of not getting off when we have sex and the times I see it for myself, I say the orgasm wasn't good enough and he'll just have to take care of himself later. I accuse him of bad-mouthing me behind my back. I accuse him of trying to get with every chick he speaks to. If he doesn't send me a pic of him at work, I won't believe he's there. The funny thing is that 90+% of the time I accuse him of lying he proves me wrong, yet I still feel this way. This is a daily struggle for me (and him) and I don't know what to do anymore.He has been known (throughout our relationship) to lie about small things (as have I, to keep him from overreacting about something actually harmless). Example: he once got off work early but told me he was still at work. I asked for a pic of him "still at work" and the pic he sent was of him standing outside his house and tried telling me it was at his job. When I confronted him he said the reason was because he got off early, wanted to go home and play some xbox without hearing me bitch about it or ask all kinds of questions. I understand this, as I am on his ass right now but I'm not sure where this is coming from. I know that to have a relationship there has to be trust, but something's got ahold of me right now and I can't, no matter what he says or does, believe or trust anything. I'm constantly, almost everyday, accusing him of lying about something. Sometimes, I'll be so certain that I'm right that I'd bet my LIFE on it, only to have him prove me wrong (again). This calms me down for the moment, but the next day or so it happens again. Today (which is what made me write this) he text me and told me he was working and offered to send me a picture, however, the "work picture" he sent didn't appear to be a picture he'd just taken. Anytime he sends me a pic/voice message it will save as the date/time (1112132305) it was taken or created, which is a good way to know if it's real.. the pic he sent me today saved as "image". I instantly got upset and asked for one of him giving me a peace sign (which he did, it came in as the date/time, so there was no denying that one). Then he sent me like 3 more "work" pictures, all of which saved as "image", NOT the date/time like they should've. I've been in tears for the last 3 hours thinking he's not where he claims to be, or with who he claims to be with. The pics he sent looks like they were taken by someone else's phone, sent to him, and then he sent them to me as a cover up, only he didn't know when he takes an actual photo it has the date/time stamp on it. So, basically all he proved today is he's at some location wearing a black and red shirt. It's like there's ALWAYS something that gives me the impression something is going on. He says it's all my thinking and my way of twisting things around to make the worst out of the situation, but I don't know. We don't want to break up but we both are extremely tired. He's tired of trying to prove himself, and I'm tired of constantly wondering. My constant fear of, I'm not even sure what, is ruining this relationship. Please, don't be an asshole. I know, I wouldn't want to date me either right now. Serious answers, please. My heart's heavy right now. :(
View related questions:
at work, facebook, orgasm, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 My serious answer would be that you absolutely need some therapy to help you deal with your issues.
You have extreme mistrust and it appears to be making your rational thinking skew!
I know you know it's not normal to ask someone to constantly send pictures to prove where they are or to constantly accuse them when you have no basis...it's irrational fear and it needs unravelling by a trained therapist. I don't think it is something you can work out or deal with on your own and you know if it goes on much longer that your relationship will hit a crisis point and will be at risk of ending?
A good therapist or CBT specialist will help you deal with irrational thoughts and fears, they will give you coping mechanisms and practical ways to change your thinking.
If your boyfriend sees you making the effort to get help and you really try hard to change things, then your relationship has a much better chance of survival.
Speak to your doctor, tell him you want to be referred to a therapist. If you do not have the funds, then maybe some time apart and some groups or self help books will enable you to get over this.
I do feel for you, it must be terrible to have absolutely no control over your emotions, but the main thing is that you acknowledge that you do have a problem and dealing with it is 100% possible.
You could also be suffering from depression which also makes a person very irrational and obsessive over certain issues. I know time apart from your boyfriend sounds hideous, but it will help you to focus on yourself and not have to 'tackle' him so much.
You do need help and I really hope you find a way xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Sounds like your belief system has spiraled out of control.You need to start changing your belief system. NOW!!I lost the most amazing man I had ever met, due to being, a little like, what you describe. I just couldn't trust him, and I couldn't work out if it was a gut feeling or MY problem. It turns out, it was MY problem.... mainly me blowing little things out of proportion.So, EVERY TIME you have a thought about him lying to you or doing ANYTHING that upsets you, you have to change that thought, talk out loud to yourself.When you wake in the morning, tell yourself, you are so lucky having such a wonderful loving, honest kind boyfriend, who will never do anything to hurt you. You won't believe it for a while, it will take time.. but you must start working on this NOW and everyday.When he texts and says he is at work, text back and say 'cool baby, have a great day'. DO NOT ask for a picture. Tell yourself, yes, he is at work, I trust him and I will not give this another thought. EVERYTIME a thought of doubt creeps in - repeat to yourself, "yes, he is at work, I trust him and I won't give it another thought". Any thought of doubt, you must counteract with a positive believing thought or statement.this is going to take time, but it's a starting point. I think some counselling will be valuable for you to, you can get some more tools to help you overcome this fear/paranoia/habit .
...............................
|
