A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am 20 years old and until recently was in a relationship with (let's call him Mike) who's 22. We got together a year ago and a policy that we could kiss other people but nothing more, and to be completely honest about it. A month or so in Mike tells me he kissed a couple of girls on a night out, and to be fair he told me straight away. Ok. Then I had some housing problems and 3 months or so later I moved in with him. We'd fallen in love completely by then and I have never been closer to anyone in my life. Unfortunately although we are crazy about each other things went wrong. I am prone to panic attacks and anxiety and developed an eating disorder which lead to agoraphobia and depression. He started spending more time smoking weed and being snappy. He had no job and I was working part-time, so we saw far too much of each other. Throughout this we still remained very close and loving towards each other and he did help look after me when I felt dreadful and vice versa. Mike grew up with a heroin-addicted mother who hasn't bothered to contact him for over a decade, was moved around care homes for some of his childhood and has no family he is in regular contact with, whilst my parents are very supportive. He has a huge lack of self-esteem, motivation and is also very depressed a lot of the time. Eventually things got too much - we spent every day in tears. My situation was making his worse so I told him I needed a break, but more than anything I wanted to be with him eventually.I moved to my parent's house for a few weeks, and started counselling sessions. My eating disorder and anxiety started getting better. Then I moved into a room on my own near Mike's house. We kept seeing each other fairly often and I am no longer depressed, as I am sorting my problems out. I feel so much better but I'm not sure he is. He says when I feel like the time is right, to tell him and we can be together. We slept with each other a few weeks ago, and didn't use protection (except the pill) and I assumed he had slept with nobody else as he didn't mention it. Then a couple of weeks later he told me he had, but they didn't use a condom. He said it was horrible because it wasn't me, and he loves me and feels disgusting or sleeping with someone else. We both agreed when we went on this break that it was fine to sleep with other people, but to use a condom! We went to the STD clinic and got tested and are awaiting the results. When I mentioned the risks - he could have passed something onto me and she could be pregnant - he started crying and clawing at his skin and said he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he gave me anything. I am so hurt that he didn't tell me. He said he was really upset at the time and wasn't thinking. I don't know whether to be supportive (he hates himself and is so miserable) or to be grumpy so he knows how much he's hurt me? I just want us to be happy together and I don't think he needs dragging down any further. Sorry for the huge question! Please help,I can't think!
View related questions:
a break, be pregnant, condom, depressed, moved in, std, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses.
Just a few things - I am not upset that he slept with another girl. Of course it's not exactly great news but we were on a break by that time and still are. It was the fact he didn't use a condom and then slept with me knowing full well I would assume he had.
We stopped the "kiss anyone you like" rule after we got more serious. That was at the start.
Another problem is I'm worried we'll get back together and then I'll always feel a bit... well like a pushover. Because although I had the chance to kiss and sleep with other people, I don't really want to. I just don't fancy anyone else! But he has and I don't want that to make me feel, I dunno, used... arrrrgh...
Thanks for helping me put perspective on this whole thing.
A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 If you think he genuinely loves you, then making him feel worse isn't probably the best idea. I'm not condoning his behavior as far as having sex with another woman, but it sounds like he has some deeper issues going on. You have managed to begin working through yours, so if you feel he truly loves you and you love him then getting him some professional help is going to be the next step. Somehow, someway you need to get him to a professional and eventually when you are able to communicate better without being worried about him feeling worse about himself you can bring up your hurt feelings.Again, he shouldn't have done what he did so I'm not supporting that, but what do you really have to gain by making him feel worse. Get him some help....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): use your brain lady.
do you both really love one another then my friend
wht is this agreeing 1st on kissing and then to have sex with condom with anyone you desire.
he is having sex with every1 who is offering it.
so wake up and run
save yourself and find a new 1
...............................
A
female
reader, Missprettynpurple +, writes (19 March 2010):
i know this may sound stupid but i think u to have been through so much u might as well put this in the pile an move on.i dont think u guys shld live together.but anyway i dnt think u shld b grumpy in front of him i think he seems quite unstable an if he's high an unhappy who know what could happen.if u do feel upset just tell him ure taking time to ure self to tink things through.then after uve sort ureself out try an suport ure RELATIONSHIP AS A WHOLE not just him bcuz the all the attention goes on him but it shld involve both of u an ur crazy love.next get him clean bcuz unless both of u change ure lifestyles it wont work an the situation cld get alot worse.an if shez pregant u just have to wait 4 her decision an decide if u cld live an at least like the child in your future!
Hope things get better
X
...............................
A
male
reader, mikehimself  +, writes (19 March 2010):
I don't think either of you have done anything wrong at all. Huge props to all the decisions you've made concerning living situations and counseling.
Your semi-open relationship, however, while not a recipe for disaster, certainly allows for it. I'm not saying it is/was good or bad, the important thing is that you were open and honest the whole way through.
If you are hurt because he slept with someone else during your break, well, that was a mistake on your part to allow for seeing other people. There is nothing you can do if you want to save your relationship except accept where you went wrong, talk about it, and move on. If your upset that he didn't use a condom, well, it was stupid, and it's good your getting checked out, but it shouldn't be a deal breaker after all you've been through. If you have something, deal with it as best you can, and again, you just have to move on.
Love is a precious thing, and if you can forgive each other, you owe it to yourselves to do so. Realize your mistakes, and try to get past them. Give each other a fresh start. You deserve it.
Best of luck.
...............................
|
