A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is in the us at college and I'm in the uk working, we are both British and 18 and have been together for a year. She met a friend at college very soon at August time (let's call him Jim) and he was just a friend, she told me this and I can tell when she is lying, she has a very blatant tell I pick up when she is lying and I always catch it. Anyway she came back at the start of October for the first weekend, everything was perfect and she went home crying saying she loved me. Since then it has still been perfect and she went to a friends (a girl) for thanksgiving. For the last couple of days she went to jims over thanksgiving and said she "fell into a trap" and slept with him. She called me on the Monday and told him and we broke up. On the Tuesday she called me in tears saying "you need to make mistakes to learn and I've learned my mistake, I will prove to you that you should take me back and work hard and prove to you I will be worth it". I have decided no contact until she comes home at Christmas so I can see her emotion in person and whether she is genuine.The problem I have is how can I accept a girl back who can possibly sleep with someone who isn't the one she says she loves and if I take her back how will I know if she does this again and will tell me if she does? But also what if everything is perfect from then on. I feel I should walk away but every ounce of my body for almost a week now is telling me to at least give her a chance since we had a perfect relationship for a year. Also my parents are unwilling to let me take her back which makes it so much harder, but I need this girl and feel she will give me reason to take her back, what should I do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 December 2016):
 I'd just like to add that I'm in an LDR and I would never cheat on my boyfriend, no matter how much I miss him. She is unable to do an international LDR, which is okay and understandable, but it means that you need to break up. She may be very sorry, but the loneliness won't go away - I know that and, if you think about it, you do too.I'm sorry, OP, but you can't come back from this, in this situation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2016): I have never robbed a bank, or killed anyone, or beaten anyone up for no reason, or raped anyone. Or cheated.
I didn't have to do any of those things just to learn not to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 December 2016):
 First of all, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
Second of all everyone makes mistakes. However, I don't see having SEX with someone besides one's partner is a "mistake" it's a CHOICE. Saying NO is an option (most of the time). And when it's NOT an option, well then it's assault or rape. She wasn't raped, she made a BAD choice to sleep with this guy and now you are BOTH paying for the consequences.
For some, LDRs is NOT a good option. And it seems like for HER it isn't. Yes, she might have felt lonely and this guy was there (in person) to give her attention, comfort and well, physical touch. Something she can't GET in the same manner over the Internet, phone, Skype etc.
And while she might feel remorseful, it's kind impossible for you to trust her now. Because if she did this... out of being lonely, she still has time left overseas and will undoubtedly feel lonely again. And then what?
And yes, we DO learn from bad choices and mistakes - but ALL of us know that you DO NOT have to cheat to know it's detrimental to a relationship. That is COMMON sense. Just like you don't HAVE to commit a crime to know it's NOT a smart thing to do. Again... common sense.
So while I get that you love her, it may not be in YOUR best interest to continue dating her while she is overseas.
ON the other hand, she might JUST have realized how BAD of a choice she made. IF you can FORGIVE it, maybe there is a future, if you CAN'T (and that is OK too) then don't string her along.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 December 2016):
 What is going to change mate? Yes she's made the mistake and she's upset and sorry, but it's still always going to be there in your mind.
When she goes back to the us, what then? You're always going to be wondering what she's up to and that's not a good way to live is it?
I've seen many questions like this before and think it's crazy that one partner needs to sleep with someone else to realise how much they love their other half. Surely if she truly loved you as much as she says she could refrain from having sex until she sees you again?
I think if you take her back you're just going to have endless problems with trust issues,
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 December 2016):
 I do believe she is being genuine and telling you the truth. She is on the other side off the world with no family or friends or home comforts. She fell in to the arms off another man and feels terrible about it. She rang you and told you the truth which believe me would have taken guts. It seems she is lost and you both are still very young. So in one sense I feel sorry for you both.
I can understand why you want to take her back, but what happens when she goes back to America after the holidays and she feels lonely again? Falls in to someone elses arms? Can you forgive her again and again? Can you do long distance trying to rebuild a failed relationship? Trying to win back trust? It is so hard to learn to trust again when you are right there beside one another never mind when there is great distance between you both. I know it is hard and I know you are hurting but the kindest thing you can do to both you and her is let her go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2016): You are both only 18, and she is attending school here in the United States. That is very stressful and lonely for a girl, or guy, so young. It's not easy waiting for holidays and school-breaks to come home. You're still in your home environment, while she's across the sea, all by herself.
It is likely she will be tempted again, and she did tell the guy you broke-up. She lied before; and that has broken your trust; so you'll constantly wonder if and when she's being honest.
You should only give her a chance if you're not going to suffer with worry and distrust the whole time.
If you're always going to be in a state of flux (constantly changing your mind) confused as you are now; you will always be unsure and suspicious. She may lie about what she's doing or who she is with to avoid getting you upset.
She can't be so far away without you, family, and friends without meeting some guy willing to give her comfort, or to keep her company. She's a student from abroad, she'll get a lot of attention. Even if he's just a friend, you will not believe it. You can't be in college and not make any friends unless you have some sort of social disorder. Some will ask, what if you're just shy? If it keeps you from making any friends at all, there's still something wrong. Part of the college experience is experimentation and discovery, it is part of growing-up. You're asking a lot of her and yourself.
In my opinion, she isn't strong enough to keep her word to be faithful. The odds are against it. Young relationships like yours don't last that long as a rule. She is hundreds of miles away, and meeting new people all the time. Just being a foreigner, people will find her intriguing. Especially, the guys. She will gain uninvited popularity.
My comments are not to alarm you, but you have to be realistic. You'd be lying if it never crosses your mind to smile or flirt with a pretty girl. You're only human. You have needs, but your situation isn't as stressful and lonely as hers. You're close to your family and friends.
She is starting a new adventure in a different country. She will be changing and maturing all the time; and discovering herself. So it just might not be so easy to conduct a faithful long-distance relationship, after she has cheated once already. The lying is the main factor that works against her.
It's not so much about her, as it is about whether you can handle it. I think your parents see what I see. You should be happy and able to date any girl you want. You shouldn't be holding out and lonely; while she's away and probably having the time of her life.
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A
female
reader, k4ren +, writes (2 December 2016):
Hi,reading your comment, you love her, you want her back. To reflect your question to you, how can you accept a girl back who has lied and deceived you? Answer, because of the first sentence and your wonderful year together. However, you will have to dig deep and accept her human weakness and forgive her and give her that second chance. I was concerned that you said she lies generally. Lies are terribly corrosive in love.If you want her back,then think about some boundaries.For example, no more lies (not one), not even little white lies. Absolutely open and honest love. Your parents are concerned, but you need to do what is right for you. Tell them you love them, but this is what you want.On a personal note though, you are only 18, my son is 17. I think that it is best that young people who go off to university should end relationships before they go. That may be hard, but everyone changes enormously, there are new friends, parties and it is there to be enjoyed without guilt. Hope you find your answer.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 December 2016):
"you need to make mistakes to learn" is true - except when it comes to cheating; you do *not* need to cheat to learn not to.
I don't think it's wise you take her back; LDRs are hard enough without one of you cheating, but it's almost impossible to move past something like this without being together a lot.
You may want her, but you don't *need* her. You will find someone who won't cheat.
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