A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I graduated from college and started working 2.5 years ago. My sister did the same half a year ago. In case it’s relevant, we were born and raised in California to immigrant Asian parents. Amongst our culture and friends, it’s quite common to still live at home after graduation.I’m currently working near home and living at home, and pay my parents for my share (food and expenses) and have been doing that since I graduated and started working. I rarely eat at home but when I do my mom will bill me for each meal. My sister works and lives 40 mins away, however doesn’t have a kitchen so comes home every weekend to take my moms’ meal prep for the week. She still has her room at home, which she stays during the weekends. She does not pay for expenses or food, as I learned from her.Around the same time, half a year ago, when my sister got a job and moved out, I got into a relationship. I spend about 5 days of the week at my partner’s place. I don’t mind paying for my share as I should, however I asked my mom why I have to pay and my sister doesn’t. She said it’s because I stay with my boyfriend and I should either move back in, or move out completely so she can use my room. And also because my sister comes home because she has no choice (no kitchen) however I do (staying with boyfriend). I should also note that even when I’m home for the weekend, I’m mostly out with friends/boyfriend while my sister spends time at home.When I first started dating my boyfriend, my mom was strongly against me moving in with him before marriage, even though I had no intention to at the time. However that has changed and I mentioned to my mom that my boyfriend and I want to move in together soon. I feel she is upset by the situation even tho I reassure her. I have no resentment towards my sister and we talk about everything. She suggested my mom is experiencing “empty nest syndrome”, is bored, and is just annoyed that I stay with my boyfriend even though he’s only 5 mins away.Also, I can tell my mom is very bored. My brother moved to college the same time as my sister and I moved out. It has only been a few months and since then she has started a ton of TV shows, an indoor garden, and a bunch of social media accounts. Whenever I am home with her, she only nags and makes negative and sometimes hurtful comments (for example, I gained weight or I don’t earn enough). However not towards my sister.My mom has relaxed a bit since meeting my boyfriend. Since then, he has cooked for us at my parents’ home twice and my mom seemed cheerful. It’s been a lovely bonding experience. However when my boyfriend is not present, she starts negative comments again. So, I am rarely home during the daytime unless my boyfriend is visiting, and I cannot wait to move out in couple months which I am planning to.Is this normal? Any thoughts or advice? I can’t quite tell if I’m overthinking or being sensitive, or my mom is insensitive. Thank you.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 December 2016):
 I suspect your mother thinks that if you're going to treat her home as a hotel and storage facility, and your parents as hired help, you might as well pay for the privilege.
I can't imagine what kind of home doesn't have a kitchen, but I'll leave that alone. Your sister is doing the best she can with what she has and when she's at your parents' home she acts as part of the family. She's THERE, she connects with them.
By your own admission, even when you're there, you're not really. You're more like a tourist. You store your things there, you occasionally sleep there, bathe there, you eat there, wash your clothes there, but most of the time you spend sight seeing.
It's convenient for us to think that mothers want nothing more than to spend their days and nights doting on us, but nothing could be further from the truth. I don't care what culture or ethnicity we're talking about, women are women. Your mother isn't frustrated that she doesn't have enough work to do, or envious, or bored. She's fed up and wants her own life. The social media accounts, the tv shows and the garden are all proof of that. For the first time in her life she has more time than she's ever had and the chance to figure out what SHE wants to do.
Maybe she's thinking of redecorating. Maybe she wants to rent this one out, buy another and live off the rental income. Perhaps she wants to use some of the equity from the home for some project, or a trip abroad, or back home to see relatives. We don't know what's in her head, but while you're still screwing around with this 'there but not there nonsense', she can't do anything.
Have you never considered that your parents might have dreams of their own?
If you and your boyfriend are planning on being together for the long haul, then I suggest you get married. It isn't just a piece of paper. There is a big difference between shacking up with someone and making a formal, legal commitment in front of witnesses and signing a contract.
Your mother isn't interested in her home having a revolving door every time you break up with a guy, if this one doesn't pan out. She wants you to figure out what you want and when you do it, do it right. If this is the guy, marry him. The only reason either one of you has not to is because you want it to be easier to leave. And if so, what does that tell you if one of you has a foot out the door?
A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (3 December 2016):
It is very normal to want your own independence away from living with your parents and move with your bf also. But may I ask what is your tradition? Maybe your mom doesn't want you to rushed into anything if you and bf do end up moving in together or maybe she is worried that you and your bf will end up getting pregnant together if you two have sex before marriage. You need talk to your mom and tell her that you don't like it when she criticis your life and your job.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2016):
 I do think it's part empty nest, part jealousy (you have a life she doesn't) and maybe because you are the "baby" (of the female children) so she thinks YOU need the most rules. She probably baby your brother if he was around. And maybe she thinks by making ALL these rules for you, you will either be the obedient daughter or move out.
Is it OK? Well, her house... her rules. Is it fair that she has one set of rules for you and another set for your sister? Again, her choice. Personally, I don't have "entirely" different rules for my kids but my oldest (16) do get a LOT more "freedom" than my 12-year-old, because well... that is common sense.
IS her behavior normal? Well, I think it is. Especially in your culture where it's VERY normal that the kids take care financially of their parents, one way or another . And MAYBE your sister gets away with it because your MOM has you to boss around.
So my advice SUCK it up for those couple of months till you move out. And once you move out don't forget to visit your mom. BUT if she posts negative stuff on Facebook to you or about you.... HIDE her feed. And if she in person is negative when you go visit (after you move out) say Enough with the negativity, get up and leave.
Being lonely doesn't give her carte blanche to bully you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 December 2016):
 I think it is normal enough, it is tough on parents to see there children become adults and take on the world. Try and see it from her point off view, you are beginning your life with your boyfriend and your mum is saying goodbye to her now adult children and wondering what life has in store for her. As for the money you recognize it is fair to pay your way, therefore do so and don't compare to your sister, as am sure your mum is trying her hardest to be fair. You need to remember that your sister has her own place with her own set off bills. Am sure your mum is trying to be fair. I know your mum being negative can bring you down, but try and see it from her point of view, try do more stuff for your mum, take her out for dinner, or go shopping. Show her you love and appreciate her and she is not losing you.
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