A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It has been a tiring and very eventful year. A lot of major events have happened. Though none of these events were a result of our marriage. However, I fear that these trials that have been tearing at us as individuals is starting to affect our relationship. Firstly, and the most important thing to me is I cant talk to him anymore. If I need to sit down and let him know how I feel about something, he becomes harsh, immediately uninterested, and plays on his phone while I'm talking. This is horrendously devastating to me. I know he's not much on talking, and I'm not asking him to talk, I just need somebody to listen every now and then. He hasn't always been this way though, And I need him more now than I ever have. Sex has become more voulgar and raunchy. Yes I do like this, but its all it has become. I scroll through my phone and all I have from him are sexual dirty text. 98.9 percent of them. No general conversation. I try to insert some general convo but nothing comes of it. He talks to his friends, and coworkers wonderfully, but talks to me like its a forced upon agony. I was so proud this year of all the gifts I got the kids for Christmas. When I was wanting to show them to him, he said he didn't care to see them, and he would see what it was anyway when he opened them and walked off. But when my neighbor came to show the gifts she got for her family, he was interested, gave compliments, and even volunteered his favorite one. I know that is small and petty, but it was really hurtful. Especially after him just telling me he doesn't care about Christmas. I just don't know what any of this means, and I'm to the point where I don't know if I should stop trying so hard to go above and beyond for my husband, (which I cant conceive of) or just live with the fact my husband grew up to not give a damn. I'm just so hurt and so lost.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 December 2016):
 You have both found yourself in a rut. It sounds like you are going through the motions off a marriage, but you are not really connecting. You should be more to him that something sexual. Ask him to put his phone down when you talk to him. If he doesn't then pack a bag and leave for the night maybe next time he will take you more serious. It appears your husband has got lazy. Is he stressed at work? Depressed?
He should be helping you get excited for Christmas not tearing you down, it seems he is unhappy but not willing to talk to you about it. Have you considered you both talking to a professional? I am aware he probably would not go but if you told him it was make or break I wonder would he bother to make the effort.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 December 2016):
 So he doesn't understand your "emotional need" for intimate conversation. He is conversed out and if you ignore him for 2 weeks he will probably feel relieved. I would recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs. You will both need to read it and do the work sheets together.
Here is how to approach this. "I'm worried and feeling insecure, I think you could help me with this. I just don't seem to be reaching you. Could you help me work through this book a friend recommended. We can do it on your schedule, but I really need your help." This approach is non accusing, and plays to a mans desire to fix things. The book is available on paper, ebook and audible, what ever works best for each of you.
FA
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (2 December 2016):
Me being me .. If my husband had told me he didn't want to see the Christmas present until Xmas morning then ..I'd accept it if however he was inclined to view a neighbours in our house and be all cheerful sorry no way .. I would have said to said neighbour really sorry but insert husbands name doesn't like Christmas best showing me some other time he isn't in ..and if he said anything I would say but honey you weren't bothered about our kids ..
As a mental health worker I urge you to take this by the reins .. If you wis to speak with him .. get him to put his phone down .. tell him it is rude and ignorant ..and he should want to speak .
If he has a hissy fit .. tell him there are issues needing to be addressed and if you can't do it normal together then you need mediation and stick to it .
Tell him you enjoy a lil passion in your texting but your not a sex doll or a piece of meat .. passion and romance or he gets nothing sexually and I would be disgusted if that how my other half thought he could text ..
He needs to learn to respect you .. you need to respect yourself .. why are you allowing him to treat you like this ..
Ask him how he would feel .. If he was in your shoes .. tell him communication and affection is what makes relationships ..lose that and you've lost the battle .
Ask does he want this to work ? Be hones be upfront .. tell him if he does then his actions and behaviour need to change .
If I were you I would have this talk after Christmas and new year and I would ignore him see how he likes that .. you want to talk call a relative or a friend .. If he asks why .. just say I don't want to bother you ..
You need a very frank discussion ..
We are here if you need us .. and you should feel proud for what you got your kids .. He should feel proud that their mum goes out her way ..As they are from you both .
Take care chin up keep us posted ..
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (2 December 2016):
Me being me .. If my husband had told me he didn't want to see the Christmas present until Xmas morning then ..I'd accept it if however he was inclined to view a neighbours in our house and be all cheerful sorry no way .. I would have said to said neighbour really sorry but insert husbands name doesn't like Christmas best showing me some other time he isn't in ..
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