A
male
age
41-50,
*heresmyluck
writes:Hi everyone;Been with my ex girlfriend for 5 years and been lived together for the past 2 years. Im 26 and she is 22 so we been together since she was 17 and i was 21. While we been living together she left me 5 times but 4 of them took couple of days for her to realise the mistake and come back and last time she went was 2 and half months (no contact) whatsoever. After 2 and half months she contact me out of blue and saying that she learned her mistake, cant live without me etc... and i said this is the last chance and took her back but again after 2 months later she gone with same reasons. Each time she left the reasons were;I dont see future with youI love you as a friendI am too selfish you deserve betterI dont know what i wantI just want to be myself etc...So reasons all same and everytime she came back she came back with opposite of these reasons. Even last time she came back she got my name tattooed on her body without me asking for it and 2 weeks after she decided to go again unfortunately with the same reasons as above.I just dont know where im doing wrong because in our relationship we never fight, never swear each other everything always seem nicely moving but only her moods swings like weather and she blamed each time to her period etc...I need help i can go into more detail if you need to find out more please just ask and i reply as tried to keep short and brief.Thanks
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (1 November 2010):
Essentially you're having a relationship with someone who isn't really there. You obviously must care for her and want to be with her, if you've stood by her for 5 years while she flip-flopped and went back and forth. But she doesn't know what she's doing, and just ups and leaves then comes back.
Don't take her back. She isn't growing from this process, isn't learning from her mistakes. She thinks she's ready, then thinks she isn't, etc. etc. Enough is enough, tell her that this isn't acceptable behaviour and that if she wants to be with you, she'll work through the problems with you, not up and leave. If she does leave, then it should be over. Make her understand this, and maybe she'll get it that she can't just string you along this rollercoaster ride. If she doesn't and does this again, then don't take her back this time.
A
female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 k_c100 made some very good points. This girl simply hasn't found herself. That being said, she's not going to change. Period. You need to let her go, otherwise she's going to do the same thing over and over again. I did something similar. I was in a long-distance relationship for nine months at the age of seventeen. Once I turned eighteen, I moved across the country to be with this guy. I moved from a very small town to one of the most populated cities in the country (Seattle). Needless to say, after about three or four months, our relationship began failing. He wasn't mature (age eighteen), I kept maturing, and we grew apart instantly. I broke up with him, but never went back. I unfortunately had to live with him for another six months after breaking things off. After that, I dated a couple guys, but nothing serious. I was single for another couple months, but then ended up finding the love of my life, and we're now engaged to be married after a year and ten months. If she knows you're the one, she won't question it. Please don't take her back, unless you want this to keep happening. Hope this helped.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 November 2010):
 This is quite a simple one - you are not doing anything wrong at all, and it is all down to her. And there is not anything you can do to fix this, apart from letting her go for good.
I have acted in a similar way to your girlfriend in the past, so I will try and explain why she is like this. She was only 17 when you got together, so I presume you were her first love, or at least her first long term relationship. So I bet when you first got together, she was incredibly loving, talked about being together forever etc. But then as she got older, gradually she will have changed and the breaking up and messing you about crept in.
This is because a lot of girls go through this and it purely is down to maturing whilst in a relationship. When a girl is aged between 15 and 18 all she wants is a boyfriend, she loves the idea of meeting "the one" and when she finds a guy, she will be very committed and always talking about marriage, babies, the future etc. But as she grows up, as she gets older, she realises that she has never had any freedom, never had any time to find out who "she is". She loves her boyfriend, but at the same time craves freedom and to experience life on her own. Therefore she is torn, does she go off and do her own thing or stay with the familiar, the comfortable relationship where she knows she is loved?
Men differ quite a lot from women in this maturing process - men are often not ready for a relationship between the ages of 15 & 20 (when girls are so desperate for boyfriends) but after the age of about 20 then if they meet a great girl, they will happily setttle down. There are of course the odd few men who love playing the field, but the majority of men like to settle down in their early 20's if they meet a nice girl and fall in love.
So what you have here is a girl that loves you, but has never been single for long enough to know who she really is. She has grown up and all she knows is life with you, she only knows how to be one half of a couple. But what she needs is to be single so she can discover who she is.
I went through this phase a bit earlier than your girlfriend, I had been in and out of intense relationships from the age of 15 and got to 18 when I went away to uni, and that is when I had my first taste of freedom and needed to just be single and figure out what I wanted in life. I didnt do this in a particularly good manner, I ended up telling my boyfriend I didnt love him and I kissed another guy, only then about 3 weeks later to realise that my boyfriend was actually perfect and I had just thrown away a perfectly good thing. But he wasnt such a push-over like you, he had decided he would never take me back so that was that. It took me 6 years to get over him and I know if there is ever such thing he was "the one" and that is just something I have to live with.
But I am glad being single gave me the opportunity to find myself, to learn more about me and just to get some direction in life. It did mean losing a fantastic guy, but I am now very happy with a lovely new guy.
So what she needs is just to be alone - there is nothing more you can do for her. She has no idea who she is as a person, she is not at all ready to settle down and is using you as her comfort blanket when she gets a bit scared - she knows you will always be there waiting for her when she gets a bit lonely.
This behviour will continue until YOU put a stop to it - she will continue to mess you around until you end it once and for all. She is just not ready to be in a committed relationship and she will keep on hurting you, so I am afraid you will have to let her go. She cannot give you what you want right now, and she cannot treat you the way you deserve to be treated. So the time has come just to end it with her, to put a stop to this and let her be free.
She will keep on running back to you if you dont end it - she doesnt know herself well enough to make a decision and stick to it, hence why she changes her mind so frequently and blows hot and cold all the time. But if YOU end it, then you have made the decision for her and she cannot change it. It will be hard, and she will say she loves you and is sorry etc, but you need to do what is right for her - be the mature adult her and see what she cannot see for herself. She needs to be alone, and you need her out of your life in order for you to move on and stop her from hurting you anymore.
She does love you, and I'm sure part of her wants to be with you, but she loves the stability that you provide more than she loves you as a person. She knows how much you love her and is exploiting that, she knows she can take and take and take from you without having to give anything back. She knows that you will always be there for her, hence why she breaks up and comes back so often. As I said before, you are her security blanket, the back-up option when she gets a bit lonely and decides being single isnt all its cracked up to be.
So you have to put an end to this cycle, and break-up with her for good. I am really sorry to have to say this, and you sound like a really nice guy. But it will just go on and on like this for years if you dont stop it now, you will keep on getting hurt and she will remain confused and unsure of herself as a person. So do the right thing for all of you - end it and let her discover herself. I can almost guarantee she will come back begging for you to take her back when she is sad and lonely, but that is the part that will make her stronger and learn more about herself. So dont give in, dont be tempted to feel sorry for her and believe that she has changed - it will take her around 6 months - 1 year to really change and learn about herself.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Hi
I can only think that as she was only 17 when you got together she has never known what it is like to live by herself so has never really learnt what she wants from life.
She has gone from living with her parents to then living with you. She hasn't had time to grow as a person and make decisions for herself so maybe she leaves you as she feels like she wants time on her own. But then when she gets it she doesn't know what to do-because she's always had you there for her. So then she feels she can't live without you because it is all she has known in her adult life.
But this is only a guess!
Also in a womans early 20's many undergo like a final hormone change and combine this with being on the pill or other contraceptive and shes bound to have her ups and downs.
Maybe arrange a nice meal for her, sit down together and you can ask her if she is happy. Be really calm about it and allow her to explore her own mind and thoughts. Tell her that you want to be there for her but know that she moved in with you young and you don't want to stop her from doing what she wants to do in life.
If she can see you are giving her the oppertunities she needs and you can openly communicate then she might feel like she can stop the mad decisions to suddenly up and leave every few months.
I hope I gave a good opinion, take as much or as little as you want from it. Good luck with your relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 November 2010):
Stop being a doormat! Seriously. This has nothing to do with you. You've done all you can, you've addressed your behaviour, you've tried to work things out. You are not doing anything wrong.
IT'S HER!
She controls you, manipulates you as she sees fit. She suffers from major problems, and instead of dealing with them, she just takes it out on you. There's no point in you staying around for this girl. There's no real love. You're just the guy she plays around with as she likes.
Move on from her. You can't fix this, because it's not you. And you can't fix her, because she won't change for herself. Move on man, and retain your male pride. Otherwise she'll just play this over and over again, and you'll look like you're just a doormat.
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