A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met someone 6 weeks ago. Im in my mid-40s and spent too long in a loveless, abusive marriage. Ive been alone for 3 yrs and was resigned to being done w men for good. I have trust and abandonment issues and have settled for weak, passive men.Ive been a numb observer, peering into my life, with little feeling for as far back as I recall.A few years ago I met a similar man who instantly brought me alive and I discovered what I was missing: love.But we were both married and it wasnt meant to be. Im not trying to recreate history here, but this new man makes me feel alive. We have phenomenal chemistry. We understand each other,share similar personalities and are both strong and challenge each other. But he also has abandonment and trust issues. Like man #1 he copes by drinking. He is also younger.I have been very upfront that I am not going to try to change him. I accept him as is. Drinking is a symptom. We all have our deficiencies and I sure have mine.But,I will not tolerate disrespect. He says he really cares about me and wants this to go further. I pointed out he cannot face me unless intoxicated. I stopped talking to him once already because of speaking to me disrespectfully and Im not sure Im ready for a relationship either.Last night, after he lied he was on call for work..he went to a bar, called me later, said he needed me and rushed so fast he got a speeding ticket. He just found out he is deploying and not taking it well. He is so afraid I will forget him when he is gone.There was so much drama last night. He has asked advice about how to let down a girl he doesnt want. I know it was to try to make me jealous. He does a lot of testing. I know because that has been my game. She called while I was w him. He put her on speakerphone and got rid of her but asked me to be quiet. I freaked out told him Im done,made him call her, tell her he was with me and verify that they had done nothing but talk. She apologized and said she wont call again.I fell right in on that like a child. I tried to get rid of him but he kept pleading and begging me not to do this..so I let him stay over. I told him this am this was my last time seeing him. He was almost sober and could barely face me. He felt ashamed. I texted him not to contact me again and that Im serious. We are in different places in life and he is not ready for more. I gave him a chance and he blew it. I feel so down. I know I need to be done and we are both sending mixed signals. But, I really care and want him. I never believed I could love again and we are both single. I know I am ultrasensitive about trust but I felt so disrespected. He gets what Im saying and admitted he needs to get his stuff together. I left it at that. I told him hes not a bad person and its but what a disappointment.I know this is unhealthy. I should have said no last night. But I truly dont want to lose him.I think Im still holding out hope. Please help. Im so confused and have no one to talk to. Im not looking to be beat up.Im looking for feedback and objective thoughts from people that are older and wiser.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (26 February 2019):
 Your post, the way you write, tells me you're a bit confused and in a bit of a mess right now. How you write about him tells me that he is also in the same situation as you.
Hard as it might be, you both need to take time apart to sort your lives together.
You can definitely find love at any age, and age is just a number when it comes to love (well, for adults only). In time, once you've sorted out your life and learn to love yourself, love will come knocking on your door. Don't rush it now, especially with someone who is also not ready for it himself.
This is only headed one way - failure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): I hate to tell you this, but this man's tactics sound EXACTLY like my last abusive relationship.
All the same stuff.
We had phenomenal chemistry.
We were both strong and challenged each other.
We both felt alive.
He also did exactly the same trick with another woman on the phone who wanted him and who called while I was there. He finished with her too.
Yes this was all designed to let you see how desirable he is. Sad.
Did you realise that if you are attracted to abusive men, you will keep being attracted to them? That until you understand their tactics and learn to recognise them, that you will keep finding yourself in similar situations. With stomach churning, emotional trauma, that they create?
Abusive men have a large array of tactics that they choose from. Whereas one abusive man will criticise your appearance and try to control what you wear and maybe call you insulting names, another abusive man will do none of those things, but will use other tactics, such as isolation from friends and family and making you feel jealous and insecure.
Another one will use belittling tactics and try to make you doubt your own mind. Or any combination of the above plus others.
If you don't realise that not all abusive men behave in the same way, you may think, because this man doesn't behave the same as your previous abusive partner, that he isn't abusive. I believe from what you have posted, that he is.
Everything you say about your relationship, rings bells. The intensity of it all. The misunderstandings, the lies, the missed chances and the mixed signals. Nothing is straightforward and this is because.....he knows how to play with your head and heart. How to show how much he wants you by getting a speeding ticket in his rush to be in your arms? You brushed aside the lie he told you the same evening about his whereabouts.
The disrespect? What does this consist of? Name calling? Insults? I notice you didn't want to give details.
I have been where you are. THREE TIMES! I now know and understand and can recognise abusive men from a mile away! I was attracted to three of them! The same as you seem to be! Which is why I'm trying to help you to recognise what he is.
Each abusive man that I was with, was different to the last in terms of how I was treated. I didn't understand about abuse at the time, I just knew that I was always fraught, upset, couldn't understand what was happening. How could there be so many misunderstandings all the time? Why did I feel happier and more alive with them, than with anyone else, until they decided it was time to dish out some abuse?
These men know how to push your buttons, how to make you feel alive, how to give you everything you ever wished for in a relationship and make you feel incredible, because then they know that you will find it much more difficult to walk away.
The last abusive relationship was with the best man I have ever met! Until he was the worst! I have never felt so loved, so looked after, so together, so in-tune with anyone in my life before. And it was instant! The same evening we met, we both knew we were going to be together.
I now run a mile from anyone who makes me feel this way. It is designed and manufactured by very clever individuals. Who can see that we are vulnerable to it. For whatever reason.
I'm not saying that this man you are with, doesn't have feelings for you. I'm sure he does. But they are not processed in healthy ways. And he can not truly be in a loving relationship. Men who are abusive often have personality disorders, such as narcissist or psychopath, and this prevents them from having honest and reciprocal interactions with people.
Please read' 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is an eminent psychologist who worked with abusive men, one to one for fifteen years. He learned all of their tactics first hand and offers you insight into these tactics and into their behaviour and why it is impossible to be happy in a relationship with such a person. You are on a hiding to nothing with this chap, believe me. And so much better off with him gone. However much you feel alive with him. My abusive ex has left me with permanent health problems due to the stress of being with him. I can now no longer function as I did. So much for feeling alive. It's a smokescreen.
One last word about the alcohol and abuse. As Professor Bancroft says 'Alcohol neither causes abuse, nor sobriety cure it'. Many drunk people would not dream of being abusive and my last abusive partner was teetotal. Try to separate the drinking from what's really happening. Abuse is a separate problem. Abusive people are abusive, whether they drink or not.
Please read the book. It will help you tremendously. I read all the books I could find about abuse once I realised what had been happening and this was the best one by far. He has first hand knowledge of how abusive minds work and I believe you will recognise so much about your own life at the moment, among its pages. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 February 2019):
 Disaster written all over it.
He’s an alcoholic for starters. Unless HE wants to change his ways you might as well be banging your head against a brick wall. He is clearly not ready to kick the drinking so that alone should be enough of a reason to stay clear.
You said you weren’t sticking around through any disrespect, yet here you are, still speaking to him after he disrespected you. Showing him that he can do whatever he wants and you will go back to him.
He sounds childish, playing you off another female to incite jealousy. Why entertain someone like that? I wouldn’t even think of doing something like that with my GF, such a huge sign of relationship immaturity. Another big red flag.
If he’s in the military then he’s going to be away for long periods which is really not an ideal scenario in this relationship. You’re already on rocky terms when you can see each other when you want, so adding distance to the mix won’t help things.
You’ve only known him for 6 weeks. Getting rid of him should be easy! You barely know him! The longer you stick around this guy the shittier you will feel when you finally pull away from him. You’re no good for each other, stop wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2019):
 You two a re toxic for each other.
Honestly, OP While I APPLAUD that you SAY you don't want to change him, THAT is exactly what you are trying to do. and yourself in the process.
If he has to be DRINKING to spend time with you, YOU are not the one for him. And he is NOT the one for you. WHY on Earth would you accept someone who is fighting his own "demons" and in the process treats you in a way that you really don't appreciate?
You are BOTH bad for each other, individually... you both have WAY too much baggage and together... that is a BAD combination.
OP, you need to work on yourself. HE can't fix you and you can't fix him.
He blew the chance you gave you, probably even a little on purpose. Because what YOU want from him, he can't give. He can't even treat women right. Just look at how he treated the other woman he was talking to! I mean SERIOUSLY? And you felt him DISRESPECTING HER and telling her to never call IS OK? So he can DISRESPECT other women, just not you? You see?
Let him go, if he is military and about to deploy he REALLY doesn't need this added drama.
You even state that you KNOW it's unhealthy but you hold out hope.... WHAT you are hoping is that he will magically change and BE the man you want him to be. THAT isn't realistic.
FOCUS on you and your OWN baggage. Learn to work through it, either with a therapist, books, journaling... which ever works for you. But adding HIM to your life is adding FUEL to a toxic fire. It will do NEITHER of you any good to hanging on to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): Hi.
I am so sorry you have to deal with all this drama.
In your post I can see a lot of red flags in your new lover. Drinking to excess, limited insight and control over his emotions, testing/playing games with people, acting/speaking disrespectfully to you, chatting up other women, emotional blackmailing when you try to leave or break up, and he is in a career that will have him be long distance from you for much of the time.
I do not think this type of man would be good for a woman that has just come out of an abusive relationship. He cannot behave in an appropriate manner while he is with you, let alone while he is across the world from you. I can understand you being infatuated with a charismatic person, which he most likely is, but you eventually will tire of the games, cheating, disrespect, and lack of contact during his times away, if you are lucky, and end it. Unfortunately it will have wasted even more time with the wrong person.
You also mention that you share some of these same behavioral issues. Another reason not to waste time with this man. Instead, work on your own issues to make yourself better emotionally, so you can be ready and open to meet a quality life partner. When you become the person you want to be with, you will find someone that is a great match for you.
If you end it with this new guy you of course will be sad and lonely for a little while. That is normal. But I think it would be better to feel that now than later, and for your best interest. It sounds like you have jumped from one relationship to another, without taking time to be by yourself. You never give yourself a chance to heal from past relationships, which is why you have the issues you mention.
My overall advice to you now would be: Stay single for a while, work on your own trust and abandonment issues, and learn to love yourself. If you don't, no one else will either.
Best,
R
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): What is it you love about this guy exactly? Sounds to me that all he has given you is drama, disrespect and empty promises.
You get caught up in all the drama and think it's romantic that he got a speeding ticket because "he needed to see you so bad" which probably isn't true. I'm guessing he just wanted a warm body for the night after a night of drinking. That is why he got a speeding ticket.
You keep telling him you don't want to see him but yet keep opening the door for him to waltz right in. So who is giving mixed signals?
Sometimes it's hard to be tough when it comes to matters of the heart but in this case, you need to or you'll end up with more heartache.
For him to take a call with another woman while you were there is unbelievable. He wanted to stroke his own ego and show you he isn't short of attention. He isn't worth a minute of your time so why do you think you love him?
Please move on from him. You can find someone who will give you all you need.
Good luck.
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