A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am 25 years old and I'm graduating from college with my bachelor's degree in three weeks. I've been married for two years and my wife is 21 going on 22 in september. Here is my dilemma. My wife has one more semester to go after the end of this semester to get her bachelor's degree in nursing and we just found out that she is 6 weeks pregnant. We didn't intend on having kids until a year or two after we BOTH graduated and "surprise", we're expecting. I'm worried because I'm worried I'm not making enough money to support her and our baby. We have our own place, it's a two bedroom, two bathroom 1100 sq foot condo but ideally we wanted to have a nice house before we settled down to start a family. I work full time and make about $16 an hour right now (I graduated with an associate's degree a year and a half ago and started in the work force while working part time on my bachelor's degree), and I'm worried that this will not be enough money for to support a newborn. Should she have an abortion? It's weird because I never agreed with abortion for circumstances like us... But I don't know if we're quite ready yet for a baby. Help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): OP I would like to share my own experience : I was studying law, married and while still at university we decided to fall pregnant. My husband was the sole breadwinner, I was just the bookworm. I stayed at home for 3 years when my beautiful daughter was born. The best 3 years!!! Resumed studying and working thereafter. Have Never regretted it! Yes money was tight sometimes but my husband worked enough overtime. At that stage of our marriage we moved provinces, we did not even own a home, we rented a flat. BUT we were happy! Content! And so truly blessed! Sometimes our careers do take a backseat but I believe that Nothing happens by chance! If we all wait to be financially secure we may never experience the joys of love and life. Its great to have dreams and career paths: that is a mature thing. But sometimes, just sometimes, a bundle of joy finds her/his way into your life, whether planned or not. Sometimes you need to take the leap of faith and accept this bundle of joy knowing full well that money may be a bit tight, and that the home may be a bit cramped, BUT the joys of a baby is priceless. (Okay, babies are not all that good, they burp all over you, crap when the parents are having a meal, cry unnecessarily, the list goes on). OP you get the message.You have received excellent advice thus far from the Aunts and I'm sure you will receive more. You need to have a heart to heart with your wife. Don't let the financial constraints rob you both of a wonderful experience. But don't feel pressured if you Both decide to terminate.I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary a few months ago: that baby girl born almost 18 ago is a young woman now. I resumed my studies, graduated with a law degree. Found a better paying job. Continued studying and had my second child (son). Found another job. Studied again. Juggled being a career woman, doting mum, passionate wife. I now earn much more than my hubby. We have 3 homes, 4 dogs. I have a job to die for (or so many people have told me). I am still studying (to stay abreast with current legislation in my chosen field). OP what I have tried to show you (with my life choices) is that it Can be done: meaning a baby as well as a career. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to establish oneself financially. Its difficult to juggle life, work, career, studies but it is achievable. I did it. Both you and your wife can too, if you want it. However as I have said above, if you both choose to terminate don't feel pressurised. And don't feel guilty. And don't put undue pressure on each other. Weigh the pros and cons and Whatever decision you both make, Make peace with the decision and Don't look back. I trust both you and your wife come to a mutual decision. And Respect that decision. I repeat: make Peace with the decision and Don't be left with 'what if' ....LoveGirl
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2012):
 You must discuss with your wife.
I am assuming your birth control was adequate and it failed.
Truth me told while your ideas are solid and make much sense, many times babies come for a reason.....
and babies at first live very nicely in dresser drawers (NOT closed or actually IN THE dresser you take the drawer out and make a "crib" on the floor for it)
IF you are not ready and she won't abort what are your options? Will you leave her and the baby?
I doubt it.
so prep yourself for HER not wanting to abort YOUR child and talk to her... you may find she's NOT ready either.
personally if it was ME and I was that age I would have been thrilled to be married and pregnant...
Where are the grandparents... if they are close and reasonably adult and rational you will have plenty of help both physical and financial I am sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): I have to echo the thoughts of others here. If money is the only thing that makes you worried about having this child then I think while it's just being responsible to factor it in I don't think it's a reason not to have the child.
I don't know anyone who has ever had a child when they felt they had enough money to support it. How much is enough? I mean you obviously are one those people that wants to have enough money to be able to give your child the best life possible well you may never reach the kind of salary where you feel that is the case.
Children are not as expensive as people make out. Happy healthy children just need food in their belly, medical care, a roof over their head, clothing and the love of two/one good parent(s). There are lots of single mothers in my college in the fifth year of college who have kids. They get very little money from the state but still have everything they need to care for their child and even a bit extra for a night out every fortnight or so.
OP you say you don't know if you're ready yet, then start doing your homework. Start reviewing your finances, counting the cost of the little one and preparing. Figure out whether this is something you can't do. Discuss this with your wife too and see how she feels, see if she feels ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): People often say if you waited until you thought you were ready with enough money etc...then there would not be half as many children in the world! Yes it is sudden but you are working and she will still finish her degree before the baby arrives and could even work as a temp then it doesn't seem like the end of the world. As many people say it is your wife's body and only she can make the final decision of an abortion because she's the one who has to go through it. It's not that you, as the man, doesn't go through some emotional pain but your wife will have to deal with the physical loss of that child within her.
Don't mention abortion outright as many women have had one to please their partners and it spelt the end of their relationship but just ask her if she is feeling prepared and tell her you nervous about it all, being nervous sounds better than not ready.
Realistically when your family find out everyone rallies around and before you know it you'll have enough clothes to clothe the child until they're about 3! Also people will keep an eye out for mursery items, hampers of nappies and wet wipes etc... Each month you could buy some nappies, formula etc...and that eases the financial burden as you're gradually building up all that you need.
Best of luck : )
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female
reader, jewlstep4174 +, writes (10 April 2012):
 This is a decision your wife should make , and you should of course add your input and tell her how you feel , but the ultimate decision should be hers. Its her body, she is the one that is carrying this baby in her and she is the one that has to deal with having an abortion if thats what she decides to do. you should be supportive in whatever she decides.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Does she want an abortion is the better question. If she has not brought up the topic of abortion and she is not considering it as an option, DO NOT mention it to her. This is one of those times in life when you need to be a man and suck it up. Do not tell her you're not ready and do not discuss your uncertainty/dread over becoming a father if she wants this baby. No pregnant woman wants to hear that kind of talk when they're going through hell and need all the support and encouragement they can get. This is the time to support her and her decisions.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I disagree very strongly that it's selfish. You want to give a child the best possible life. If you aren't prepared to do that, you are not being selfish, quite the opposite. You don't say how your wife feels about abortion, but the ability for women to choose when to be pregnant rather than being at the mercy of biology has been the single most important thing allowing them to accomplish their goals.
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female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Most people don't feel ready for their first child. This is a totally normal reaction, but it is your wife's choice whether or not to keep the child. In my opinion, you are in a better life situation than many first time parents. You also planned on having children in the future, so it doesn't really spoil anything you were going to do. You are both almost done with college, married, have a decent home, etc.
Relax. Of course you're scared! Babies are a lot of responsibility, but most would argue that they're worth it. You must also consider the emotional consequences that you and your wife might face following an abortion. I'm sure that once the baby arrives, you and your wife will be very happy if you decide to keep it.
Much love and Best wishes
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Obviously you didn't buy that condo yourself. Ask if both sides of your parents are willing to support you. 1100 sq ft is totally enough space for a couple and a baby. Unless the baby is a condom baby or a baby while on the pill, then you accept responsibility to become a parent especially you are married. Asking her to get an abortion is selfish. No one is stopping you from telling her you are not ready but be prepared for an upset response.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 April 2012):
This is something you need to discuss with your wife. Ultimately the decision is hers. If you don't feel ready, you should tell her.
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