A
female
age
41-50,
*ocalux
writes:Hi everyone. I am married and my husband was lovely and attentive, but now we are married he wants me to change the way I dress, not wear makeup and not see friends. He gives me money for shopping, but I do not have my name on the bank account even though my wages are paid into it. HHe has gone a step further recently when I had to go into hospital for a minor operation and he got really angry with me becausehe found out a theatre assistant was a male. I don't know if he is very insecure or it is something deeper
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 May 2020):
 You earn your own money but don't have your own bank account? Why?
This is just the start. He will become more and more demanding and will start accusing you of wanting to bed any man with whom you have any contact.
If I were you, I would run fast and run far.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 May 2020):
You earn your own money but don't have your own bank account? Why?
This is just the start. He will become more and more demanding and will start accusing you of wanting to bed any man with whom you have any contact.
If I were you, I would run fast and run far.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2020): This sounds like coercive control. Slowly any vestiges of independance or even sources of fun( make up and friends) are pulled away from you. You have some excellent advice here from others but I think it is safe to say it is not going to get better and more likely than not the situation will deteriorate which is what worries me.It is a catch 22 in that the longer you stay the more your self esteem dips and the more your self esteem dips the harder it is to take action. I suspect he knows this.Coercive control is insidious to the point where the affected partner cannot even drive a car, leave the house...have any claim to independance or dignity.Do you have family close by? You will need your friends now more than ever. If a separation is in the future you need to think that out carefully as well.I am sorry this has befallen you. So often as women we need to remember that we are valuable and deserving whatever our relationship status is and economic independence is part of that.A tough situation
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2020): Please pardon my sloppiness. I've been on ZOOM conferences all morning, and might be just a little frazzled!
Typo correction:
"You are just now beginning to find-out what it's like to be married to a man like that. Few women ever admit he was always like this, they don't want to be judged for making a bad-choice."
"You don't mention how long you've been together, and I guess you purposely omitted that."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2020): You truly need to first consult with a divorce attorney regarding your spousal-rights. Somehow just opening your own bank account isn't going to be enough; because he will simply bully you into closing it. If you're seeking advice, it may be because you're too intimidated/passive to take a stance against him.
Insecurity is too soft of a word to describe your husband's behavior. I don't believe he was so nice; and all of a sudden turned aggressive and controlling. What you've described falls more along the lines of a bully or narcissist.
I fear far too many women just allow the "bullying" to slide during courtship prior to marriage. The tell-tale signs are always there. It's up to you to pickup on them!
Often the biological-clock is ticking, the calendar is speeding by, and a lot of women are dead set on getting to the altar as quickly as possible. A proposal has been a longtime-coming, after being together for years. You reckon everybody has their faults; so you give his worst behavior a pass. You blindly focus on his good-side, and delude yourself into thinking his bad-behavior is "just how men are!" You might even blame yourself for bringing it out in him. Figuring the power of your love will eventually change him; or you'll just dismiss and overlook the red-flag warnings, assuming you'd get used to it. Convincing yourself you'll whip him into shape with nagging. That's only fuel for a power-struggle; or you'll nag, and he grows immune to it.
I will go even further to presume that he has always been controlling, but he's getting progressively worse. Maybe you naively assumed it to be manly-behavior, and shrugged it off. Now you see it for what it is. Very aggressive and controlling behavior. Many times insecure or timid-women submit to controlling men; because they think it makes them feel safe and more secure. They mistake harsh aggressiveness for masculinity. They get far more than they bargain for! It's good for a man to be confident, somewhat of a take-charge guy, more of a leader than a follower. He has to know how to regulate and temper his power and authority. He should know fairness, and restrain himself from being too controlling. He should see his wife as his partner, not his servant or subordinate.
When it becomes brutal, demeaning, bullying, and dictatorial. You've snagged yourself a narcissist! Maybe he comes from a patriarchal-culture where the man tells his wife how to dress and behave. You are just now beginning to find-out what it's like to be married to a make like that. Few women ever admit he was always like this, they don't want to be judge for having making a bad-choice. You don't mention how long you've been together, and I guess purposely omitted. Usually an indication, you've been together for quite some time; but maybe only recently decided to get married. It was rocky, but he always said he was sorry. That's not enough.
Try as we may, we cannot tell you how to change your husband. If he goes so far as to dole out your own money to you; and you've allowed him to open an account with only his name on it. You're too intimidated by him to do anything in a bold way. You have to resort to your cunning and cleverness. You have to learn to outwit and out-maneuver him. You can stop the automatic-deposit into his account, and open your own; but you better be assertive enough not to let him intimidate you into changing it back.
We often forget we are sometimes advising people from cultures where male-dominance rules the household. Women come here to vent, while desperate for help; having absolutely no intention of doing anything we advise them to do. Perhaps you're too afraid to, you just need somebody to listen to you; and a place to vent your frustrations and express your feelings. That's why we're here. Your flag above your post is difficult to identify, I guess it's the flag of France. The blue it too light! He may be of a different nationality from your own. I can't see where he'd gain so much authority over you without much push-back. European-women are usually quite feisty, and will only take so much. However, some people are just very submissive, easy-going, or lay-back. They avoid confrontation, and just submit to keep the peace. You have to do that sometimes, it's life.
Regardless, I think you need legal-advice; because he is structuring the household to keep you at his mercy. The effectiveness in offering you our advice is dependent on how intimidated you are by your husband. It's futile to tell you just open another account, if you are afraid to. Unintentionally, that advice might also be insulting your intelligence; like you've never thought of that. You first have to overcome your fear and intimidation. If you can't; then your only option is to get out of that marriage as quickly as you possibly can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 May 2020):
 I would suggest you open your OWN bank account where YOUR salary goes in, then you can transfer each month X amount of money to the "shared" bank account for bills.
Is he insecure? Probably, but more so he is controlling.
He waited until marriage to make these demands, because he KNEW you wouldn't like them.
Do you two have different cultural backgrounds?
Do you comply with his demands? Even if you find them unreasonable? Like not seeing friends, not having your name on or access to the SHARED bank account, how HE wants you to dress?
If so, WHY do you comply? Because you are honestly afraid of him? Or because it's easier to comply then to stand up for yourself?
If you are NOT afraid of him physically harming you, then you need to move forward in setting YOUR own boundaries.
I do agree that you NEED to find ALL important documents pertaining to YOU and keep them at a safe place, friend/family and you DO need to tell him that your names goes on the bank account because YOUR pay enters into it.
If you DO think he could escalate into actually physically harming you, then I think you need to get out ASAP.
IS this his and your first marrige?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 May 2020):
 Controlling your money is abuse, trying to control what you wear is abuse, controlling when you see your friends is abuse, getting angry with you because a health professional was male is abuse.
Now that you know you are in an abusive relationship please be aware you need to be very careful how you go about removing yourself from it. There are several websites that will explain how to make an exit plan, be aware he may be tracking your online presence as well, so maybe limit yourself to finding this information from your workplace.
If you have somewhere safe to stay then remove yourself as soon as you can, other wise, gather together all your important papers etc and store them somewhere out of the home, at a friends, or at work etc. Seek legal advise as soon as you can.
I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2020): HiIt's something deeper. Being insecure and a decent person to boot, doesn't mean you get angry with a wife that you love because she's with a male in a situation she can't control. And even if you could, you shouldn't have to.I'm so sorry to tell you that you have married a man who is abusive. Controlling what you wear and who you see. Now he's making sure that you don't have the means to be independent from him at all, because he controls ALL the money.This is not a good, healthy or loving relationship from his side.You KNOW that his behaviour is wrong, that is why you have written here. You're worried and with good reason.Men who behave like he does want to take 'possession' of their partner. He is behaving like this because he wants to make sure that you never leave him. He is trying to make you look less attractive and trying to make sure that you are never in a position where you can meet another man. He also wants to take away any kind of supportive network that you have, i.e. friends, family, your work, your car, your finances. When he has achieved this end, then I can almost guarantee you, the abuse and control will escalate. He is using well known and, sadly, well worn abusive tactics. These abusive tactics usually come into play, once the woman is attached to him somehow and therefore difficult for her to leave. Whenever I read 'he was great until we ….got married, got engaged, moved in together or became pregnant', then alarm bells doubly ring, because this is usually when the abuse starts. The abuse is systematic and planned. Some abusive people wait YEARS before they start to abuse their partner. They wait until the time is right; until you are attached to him by the means listed above and when he has robbed you of the ability to leave him easily. I once read about a woman who married a man she was absolutely crazy about, who was wonderful to her until their wedding night, when he hit her across the face and said, 'I can stop pretending now.'Another reason why he doesn't want you to see your friends, is he knows also that you will probably discuss him and his behaviour and he doesn't want anyone to try to influence you against him. What he is doing is so classically abusive that there is no doubt, to my mind, the sort of behaviour you will be able to expect next.Can I ask you...is he lovely one minute and absolutely vile the next? Do you never know who you're going to get today? Mr. Nice or Mr. Nasty? Abusive men are usually very attentive, charming and over the top lovely when you're first with them by the way. Whirlwind romances, sweeping women off their feet and the word 'charming' all ring alarm bells with me because they don't want to hang around getting you pinned down. Did he move the relationship along very fast? Another abusive tactic. And women are usually flattered by this, thinking that the man must be so in love. And they often are, but 'love' to them means that they want you to take care of their needs and no-one else. Did you notice I said, 'their needs'? Because in an abusive relationship, YOUR needs don't matter. YOUR wishes have no place. YOU are not important to them other than being there to support and indulge HIM and HIS needs. That's ALL. By the way sex is usually ONLY when he says so. Is that true with your marriage? Abusive people are very happy to stand by and watch the person that they are supposed to love fall apart. To watch as you lose your self confidence, your happiness and any control over your own life. I have been in three abusive relationships and have since educated myself about the subject and try to help people on this site, because if you have never experienced abuse before, it is almost unbelievable that there are people out there who behave like this. It is very confusing behaviour to try to understand because we try to make sense of it. We think the person we're dealing with (the one we fell in love with) is a reasonable person, a decent and logical human being who wants peace and harmony and who wants a happy marriage for BOTH partners. When we don't suspect that we are actually with someone who is abusing us, their behaviour can never make any sense. My salvation in my third abusive relationship was when I stumbled across a book, just after I left him, just after the time he first threatened to hit me. Asked me if I wanted him to hit me, because he was angry with me (pretend angry by the way, they can act their socks off). And I suddenly realised what was happening to me. If I had never found that book, I would maybe still be in the dark, because it is quite a difficult thing to believe. So, rather than hope that other abused people just happen to stumble upon books that can really help them understand, I come to this site to try to help them. I also recommend the very best book I ever read on the subject of abuse, called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is an eminent psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men who had been threatened with court and prison if they didn't change their ways. This professor soon realised that this was never going to happen. These men are usually psycopaths/sociopaths/narcissists/have personality disorders, which means they have no compassion and are usually very clever. And it is a situation you can't change unless you leave them. Even then it's difficult because they don't WANT you to leave them. They put a lot of effort into trying to make sure that you don't leave them in the first place, so they don't let you go easily. Which is why if you do leave, and I hope you do, sooner rather than later, he more than likely wont just give up. Two years ago I was still being stalked and threatened by a man I had left SIX years before that. If you want any sort of a semblance of a happy life, you will need to leave him. Open another bank account if you can do so safely and try to put money into that without him knowing. If you leave then obviously your money that you earn will go straight into that account. Do you have family that you can go to? The book I recommended has advice about leaving and trying to do so safely. Abusive men can get very nasty when they see you are trying to assert yourself. So read the book without his knowledge. One woman I spoke to recently had her reading controlled by her husband, but she managed to read, 'Tenant of Wildfell Hall,' by one of the Bronte sisters, which is about an abusive relationship and this book made her realise that this was what indeed happening to her and she managed to leave him. One of my favourite books.Good luck and if you want to talk further or have any questions, then please do come back to the site. I will look out for you. xx
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 May 2020):
 What you are going through is not the makings of a long lasting happy marriage.
Yes he is insecure, on top of that he is being possessive, controlling,insecure, and trying to dominate everything you do.
Just because you are married does not mean he has got the right to control everything you do. A marriage should be 50/50, being there for one another. Its not uncommon these days to have a marital account, and still keep your own account, the one you had before you were married which your wages are paid into.
He has got a problem that needs to be addressed, you can't go on like this, no one can. Even in marriage, and in life in general you can't change people, and its pointless to try. You have got to let people be, and accept who they are. He is not understanding this and instead he is controlling and manipulating every situation, right down to money, what you wear, and who you see.
I know its harsh, and probably not what you want to hear, but if things don't change, i would ask your self if this marriage is for you, and consider leaving him.
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