A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:DEAR CUPID, I have never had the best of luck with picking men , I have dated the narcissist,the insecure and the controlling. My best friend of 12 yrs told me about six months that he had developed feelings for me, at first I felt like he ruined our friendship but I thought maybe for once I should date a nice guy so I gave him a shot, we have been dating and its going great, he treats me amazingly, hes loving, supportive, cringing, loyal ambitious, he understands me and accepts me for who I am, something I have never experienced with dating, the list goes on and on BUT I am not attracted to him, not physically nor sexually. I don't know what to do, I don't want to loose what we have but I don't want to feel like I'm settling...
View related questions:
ambition, best friend, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): I'm not sure why the responses here are so harsh. I assume you don't want to lead him on any further which is why you are here, asking this question, trying to figure out the best way to proceed.We accept the love we think we deserve. You mentioned the type of guys you dated before. It doesn't sound like you are completely comfortable with how well your boyfriend is treating you. This can go quite deep--self worth is determined by numerous factors, and it is completely possible to develop an attraction to people who are toxic. Their negative behaviour inadvertently echoes the way a person may see themselves. If you feel you are not worth much and get treated like you are not worth much, it fits.But if you feel like you are not worth much and get treated very well, cognitive dissonance occurs. Now your self worth is being challenged. Someone is telling you that you're valuable and worthy of being loved. That can be quite scary. Suddenly, you're on unsteady ground and attraction either disappears or can't manifest at all---because it's not the toxic pattern you're used too.I think you need to decide what depicts your current situation most accurately. Are you not attracted to him because he's treating you well, and you're not used to that kind of behaviour? Or are you not attracted to him because you're simply just not attracted to him and it has nothing to do with anything else? Once you identify that, you'll need to do some self-searching and let him go in the process so that you can find your happiness and he can find his.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (13 May 2020):
Ask him to start treating you like crap. No doubt you’ll fall for him since that is your thing. Joking (sort of) aside. You should never have agreed to go out with him now you have given him false hope. But what’s done is done.
Do the right thing and break it off with him and tell him you hope you can go back to being friends but don’t be surprised if he says no. If he does say yes keep in mind that he’s only going to be hanging around hoping that you will somehow magically fall in love with him.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (13 May 2020):
How would feel if things were revirsed?? Would like to be on the receiving end of this situation?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): Maybe this is the guy for you but your subconscious is begging you to press the self destruct button.If you haven't had sex you will never know for sure if he would satisfy you.Everything has been going swimmingly you say!Did you mean to say caring rather than cringing...there's a big difference between the two.I personally think Cinderella settled for the Prince because he was the only guy who asked her out!In real life there is a savvy female who settled for a lonely prince.No one else would commit to him but she took a chance and got married and had a child!Brave steps indeed.Prior to that she had the phone number of a well known philanderer and romancer.As soon as her friends told her of his dreadful reputation she dropped him.And moved on to lonely bloke.So far so good!She certainly settled in a good way.You are priming yourself for failure.Why are you enjoying the dates and so on if you are not attracted to him.Something is telling you not to commit so that you can go back to another 'bad boy'.When you're pregnant your bad boy will sleep around until you find out and then he will blame you.A nice guy wouldn't do that.He would understand that you would feel vulnerable and abstain from sex until the time was right again.A true bad boy would complain about the lack of sex endlessly and not give a damn about your feelings.And bringing up the kids is a lot easier with a nice guy than the alternative.Maybe you are not ready to settle down at all. Maybe you just don't want to!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 May 2020):
 Don't pity date him and don't have pity sex with him. If you aren't attracted to him the odds are you never will be and in a sense you are using him. Have a heart, let him go. He sounds like a super nice guy and he deserves someone who can love him. You can't help what you feel or don't feel so I'm not blaming you but don't lead him on. You may be able to stay friends as long as you don't let it go on too long but once you cross the line and have sex it will really complicate things to the point there may be no turning back.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2020): You're using him. You're leading him on. The minute somebody comes along to turn your head; you'll wiggle your way out of it. He will have grown very much attached to you.
He's lazy. He probably grew-attached out of desperation. He must not have had much luck with women; and decided to settle for the closest female at-hand. A friend. Easy and convenient. Instant-gratification is the thing these days!
Next to recycling exes, transitioning from platonic-friendship to a romantic-relationship is the riskiest endeavor I know! Especially under the conditions you've described!
If you are not sexually-attracted or in-love with him, why would you be so cruel as to use him? Why would you let him think you have romantic-feelings for him when you don't?
There is nothing worse than pity-dating a friend!
There's really no need for advice. Just some insightful-opinion and sensible commentary. These sorts of issues usually work themselves out; for better or worse!
Reality will set-in, and correct all this. He'll pressure you for sex, the ick-factor will gross you out, and you'll finally come clean with him.
He knows in the back of his mind, and will always know...he never should have crossed that line with you.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (12 May 2020):
 Unfortunately we can't choose who we have feelings for. If the feelings for him are not there you are going to have to be brutally honest with him and tell him how you are feeling.
There is a reason he has been your best friend for 12 years and nothing has materialised romantically during this time.
As you say he is a nice guy, treats you right and is supportive of you and accepts you for who you are. I think with the way you are feeling, being not attracted to him physically, or sexually you owe it to him to be upfront and honest and tell him.
I would broach the subject sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the harder it will become.
If you tell him soon he will be upset of course, but over time will respect you for being honest and not leading him on. Hopefully the friendship that you have both shared for the last 12 years can still remain.
Good luck
...............................
|
