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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My family and I are due to go to my ex’s (we have all been very close family friends for years) for Boxing Day. My ex and I only split up 1 week ago. He seemed very concerned that I did not hate him and he said that he really liked me and started making all these plans for us in the immediate future and next year which really confused me as a few minutes before he was saying how he couldn’t see me anymore. He knows that I cannot remain friends with ex’s and he was almost begging me to remain friends with him. He said I’ll send you a text about going to the cinema but I never received it. If I am honest it is far too soon to be thinking about going out as friends anyway. I feel very bitter toward him at the moment. He hasn’t even wished me a Merry Christmas today. He says he has bought me a Christmas gift but I am not holding my breath. The thing is if he is so keen to remain good friends with me why is he saying/doing these things? I know he has got fairly major problems right now.I would actually really like to go tomorrow but I am not sure it is wise for me to go because things are very raw. I am thinking about reaching a compromise and maybe going for a few hours and then finding an excuse to go. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t know what would be a plausible excuse for leaving early. Thing is his family are going to know it is an excuse because we’ve been going to their house for years and they know how much I enjoy seeing them and I’ve never wanted to leave early before, in fact I normally stay for hours. Help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): You state you 'want' to go to this family gathering, but things are too raw. Well dear, now is the time for you, to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Either way, you would not be wrong. I concur with Eddie, if you feel you can handle the discomfort and you have the strength...go ahead and enjoy this gathering. I have the impression from your posting-you are strong. This is a gift-a good character trait for you to have. So many people lack this strength. So, whatever you do, just manage this whole process with dignity. It is important that you continue to fill your life with people who bring value to our existence. Sounds like your family and these people are important to you. So if they are attending and you want to be there with them, then go. Handle yourself with polite detachment and graciousness when dealing directly with him. Simply put...ignore him and have fun.
Now, about this friendship deal he has proposed to you. I don't have to tell you this but I will anyways. He's obviously wracked with guilt for doing this to you, so he's alleviating his guilt by saying 'I've dumped you-I've hurt you-I feel bad-let's be friends'. This is something so many people do and I find it such a misused, abused, old classic, standby line. It's a selfish manner in which people act, when they can't face themselves or what they have done. He needs to comprehend and understand his own motivations for wanting this friendship. You have a rule about this and it's..you are not friends with exes. You are most certainly not wrong to feel this way. I don't blame you-I have felt the same way, in the past.
Remember what defines a friendship: conversation, connection, support and mutual interests. But, if your motive is to seek closure, don't be his friend. It is probably best to let more time pass. Never rush into something that is unhealthy or dysfunctional..be strong and look after yourself. Do not appease his guilt...that's his problem to deal with, hun. He owns it.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 December 2006):
 It sounds like neither of you are sure about what you really want. Sit down and talk to him. Figure this out. IF you want to go to the party, go. You take control though and call the shots. HE happy, friendly and fun. Don't let him treat you like his partner though. AS a matter of fact, make it clear you're not, in subtle ways.
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