A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some help. So my "bf" and i were engaged but broke up because i sexted another man. I have appologized. I knew it was wrong. He just made me feel wanted because at the time my bf was not treating me all that well. Ive since gone to counselling and worked on communication skills which has helped our relationship. It has been nearly a yr since i "cheated." we are not dating but we still live together and we have children together. I am getting more and more attached to him. (quite a few on again off agains but none since this year) we are still sleeping together say i love you etc. But he says he cant trust me so he doesnt know if he can be with me but wants to. Im grateful that he wants to try after everything. But am deathly afraid he will decide that he cant and he will leave after weve gone through so much to work out everything. I dont know if i can handle another breakup with him. Do i stay and wait for him to decide or do i end things so we can both move on?
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broke up, engaged, I love you, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat update made me sound overly couragous. Im not strong. I cry myself to sleep at night. I know its pathetic I love him so much it hurts Whats worse i know i did this to myself but it just seemed so much like he didnt love me He was always checking out other people in front of me and making comments that made me feel as if he were settling for me there was a time where the roles were somewhat reversed he was chatting sexually with women on social networking sites and said it was anonymous which still doesnt make it right For what ive done wrong he makes me play by his rules so i asked him when he wronged me why hadnt he played by mine and he said he would have left instead because it was too much work and wasnt worth it At that point i had just given birth to our first child So now i almost wonder why i am trying so hard He sometimes implies now that hes waiting for me to throw in the towel then i asked him tonight if he would be happier if i just broke it off he said he wants to keep trying. idk what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo its been awhile since i have last posted... And i wonder if i am doing the right thing. We still live together and are trying to see if it will work out. I am now sleeping on the couch. I didnt want to sleep in bed alone. I am just so attached and confused. He said he wonders if we are compatable because my habit of locking the door was driving him crazy so i stopped. He said he was tired of me talking negatively about his friends.(there are 2 that are oddballs and their actions drive me nuts) but i never say a bad thing about them since he brought it up. Im doing what i can and he says he loves me deeply. But i am looking for a new job as i quit in feb due to my child falling very ill. I am going back to college in fall and have decided if we arent together by 2013 i will try to move out... It gives me a chance to save up first and last deposit. It would make it easier to move on if we dont live together... I hope i am doing the right thing. I love him deeply and its crushing me. Is this right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Op again. I meant that i cheated because sexting is cheating when you are in a relationship. I wouldnt say it was emotionally... I wasnt emotionally infatuated. I was just very hurt by what my fiancee was saying to me and how he was acting and this other person made me feel wanted. Its no excuse to do it i never should have. things were on and off after that but we have been stable since the start of this year. We arent together but still love each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): What do you mean "cheating"? You DID cheat emotionally by westing another man. I don't blame your boyfriend for having a really difficult time trusting you.
Is he says he wants to be with you but dooesnt know if he can but hes trying then you're just gonna have to let him decide however long it takes. You were the one who cheated and broke the trust. So the ball should be in his court and you can't rush his healing process just cos you feel insecure about possibly ending up left.
If he does decide to leave you then deal with it if and when it happens. If you're wanting a guaranty that your present hard work on your relationship is going to pay off well in life there are no guarantees. You have to just hope for the best and assessed the likely outcomes based on present circumstances and have confidence that whatever may happen in the future (your partner might die and you could still end up alone even if he didn't break up with you) that you will be able to deal with it.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I love cakes pies and candy… they are really really BAD for me… so I can’t have them.
You don’t cook for him
You don’t clean for him
You don’t have sex with him
YOU DON”T LIVE WITH HIM. Are there friends or family members you can live with?
I was a SAHM and I left a marriage… I got a job.. put the babies (ages 3 and 5) in day care and got a life without a controlling man…. I had no job skills, no education and minimal job experience. I did have a loving supportive family…. YOU can do this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): OP it's been a year. You've worked so hard to prove yourself to him, it's time he stepped up and gave you a chance. If he can't then he can't expect you to wait around forever, unhappy and in hope. Hopelessly in love and just never knowing if he'll ever be with you again.
There's only one way he'll ever know whether he can trust you or learn to trust you again and that's to take the chance on you and start building your relationship again. It's the only way trust is regained, from inside a relationship.
If he's not willing to try now, after whole year then I can't see how he will ever be willing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): "But should i continue to cook and do his laundry for him?"
I don't see why not, he is your friend after all and you are sharing a house. Sharing the burdens of the household is not a relationship thing it's just the best way.
OP this "trying" you think is happening is not. "Trying" is when you get back together and see if you can make it work. "Trying" is not giving him everything he wants while he decides for over a year whether he can or not. He doesn't have to trust you in this situation so he's not going to learn how. Sex, affection, cuddles, romance, he's getting all that without having to give anything back. I mean why is he taking all those things if he hasn't forgiven you? Is he using you then? Because if he has forgiven you then why can't he give it another try? If it's because he says he can't trust you then why is he sleeping with you and playing house?
If he doesn't want to be with you then it's time you got rid of all the romance and sex from the equation. He will probably keep it like this forever if he can but what do you get out of it? OP you can't stay being punished for this forever can you? How can he know you're trustworthy if he's not going to give you the chance to prove that?
You may have to look into ways of a physical split too OP. It's very hard to keep romance out of the equation if you're sleeping in the same bed, even in separate rooms there will be moments of weakness and horniness, or drunkeness and every time that happens you'll have ruined all your hard work because again, if he knows that he can still have you every once in a while then he won't really feel he's lost anything will he?
Moving out may have to be something you consider.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Hi im the op. Yea i understand what you are saying. Ive been thinking that for a few months now. I guess ive just been avoiding it because i love him and want things to be this way. I dont want to lose but how can you lose something you dont have? It just hurts and doesnt help that ive been in denial. I have just kept telling myself that hes been generous enough to want to try and i have to give him what he needs to trust me again. I guess i just have to let him decide without me by his side. But should i continue to cook and do his laundry for him? He works so i can stay home with our children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Answer me this OP, why would he commit to you again when he's already getting all the benefits of sex and affection?
He doesn't exactly have much incentive to change the situation does he? He gets everything now and has the added bonus of technically being a free man. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
OP would you really give any other man all the benefits of a relationship while he "decides" whether he wants to be with you or not? You wouldn't because he doesn't have to decide anything, everything is cozey as is.
Do you not see how you're asking the impossible of him? What's his incentive here? He already has you, he gets to bone you and act like a couple and he doesn't have to worry about losing you nor committing. What guy would want to change that kind of situation it's bloody perfect.
Basically OP there is no way he's going to know whether he wants to be with you until he knows what it's like not to have you. Not to have you as a sex partner nor have you waking up next to him. Until such time as you start acting like the "friends" that you technically are now, he has no reason to change anything about this very comfortable situation he finds himself in. He has more incentive not to decide.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2012):
Ah he has his cake and is eating it too...
I'd leave.
then he can decide really quickly if he can learn to trust you again.
right now why should he... he's got the milk and the cow and the cake... YUMMY...
sex and a caretaker and no need to commit because he doesn't trust you..
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female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 It sounds like he is really trying but how many `off's and `on's can you deal with? This is not a very stable situation for you or your children. Before the next `off' perhaps he could be reminded about the effect this may have on his children because they are a part of your relationship too.
The sexting was very sad, but you sound like you are over it and he is not. If he can't bring himself to trust you, then you'd be best to end it right here and now. You must not let him latch on to you just when it's convenient for him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Do what's best for the children. If you can be together and still have a healthy relationship that's very important. If being together means being in a loveless and/or argumentative relationship then that's not good for the children and you should split up.
You chose to have children and their needs come above yours or his, however, staying together may not be the best thing for your children if there is too much tension between the adults.
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