A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:How long does it take for a guy to know whether he wants to marry you or not? I have been dating a guy for three years - We both are divorced - We both said we would never marry again at the start. He hints and makes comments about 'someday' and eloping and makes long range plans like what are my plans for retirement = on the other hand he is signed into several dating sites and looks at and sends an occasional email and perhaps chats too - What should I think? He knows I know he is on the sites and I have told him it really bothers me - He said he doesnt want to date or see anyone than me - Huh? Help!
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female
reader, NancyLeo +, writes (13 June 2009):
Oh dear! By personal experience I tell you that is very likely you are wasting your time with someone that can not commit to you and only you. Remember that words are easy to say. So, let's get to the facts. A guy that is dating a girl on a regular basis, (not sure if you are living together and assuming you are not) and is still looking for another relationship or -let's call it freindship for now- is obviously lacking of something that he needs or wants in a relationship. Some people might call it "keeping your options open." I think that after a year of being in a relationship you can pretty much tell where things are going at that point. I spent 4 years with a guy that told me he was going to marry me after 4 months of knowing each other. I thought it was the most wonderful thing that could happen to me. Unfortunately, I did not realize he was NOT serious about marriage. He completely forgot about what he had said the next day. I was torn in two. Then I realized that he was on myspace, ldsmingles, ldsplanet and I got into his computer and didn't need the passwords becuase he had already saved them to the hard drive so I started reading all these emails. He would start his converstions as "Hey, whats up? You are beautiful..." After seeing that I realized he was just using me hoping to get something better than me. I remember him flirting constantly with any girl that was decent looking. It was a nightmare. The whole relationship turned out to be a waste of time. And yes, he was nice to me only because everyone knows men love sex and that is all he wanted from me, apparently. He would pretend to be so nice and tell me he loved me almost every other day and that taught me that if he has a negative outlook about marriage is very likely he is more comfortable being free and "hanging out" or as others may say "spending time" with you while they find their next toy. Some women choose to be a consolation prize but please don't understimate yourself. There is a good man out there for you and you will find it. Avoid the type of guy that will tell you "I am looking for friends and if something else happens, it happens..." That is BS. Avoid the kind that has negative things to say about marriage. And avoid the kind that is on website. If you meet them online or not ask them when you start dating, see if they are in any website. That will tell you a lot about what their priorities are. Go out and go to social events and don't be afraid to put yourself out there, but don't rush it. Instead polish yourself. Become whole, happy and know your true worth. The rest will fall into place. If you like a guy, don't have sex on the first date or second at least a week. See if chemistry can keep you both together. Don't talk about past relationships. Don't talk about other man. Pretend other man don't exist. Don't talk about how much money you spend if you are not good at managing a budget. Preferable have no debt. Always be ready in a sexy outfit to go out or to stay home. Use attraction as a way to allure them to you expecially in confusing times when you don't know if they like you or not. Read catchhimandkeephim . com or google it. I just read it today and I realized it has some ver interesting things that I should ahve known before getting into a relationship. God bless! Good luck to you!
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 He does not want to marry you. If he did, you would already be married (or at least engaged) and he would make sure you knew it. That is how men (at least those of us that have it together) are.
-Frank B Kermit
www.frankadvice-franktalks.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): It is apparent that neither of you have created a bond to take that next step. His not wanting to remarry is probably a reaction to the turmoil he went through in last last marriage. His looking at porn tells me he doesn't have a good warm, loving connection with you.
You need to expand the relationship, you need to think out what you want to convey, and tell him some deeper feelings. With his comment on retirement, I think he may have been testing the waters to see if your able to open up and share your deeper feelings with him. It has taken many years for me to realize this of myself, testing the waters with specific questions just to see how the response is. I've learned that some women aren't willing to share their personal, deep feelings, those things that make them who they are, that controls their movements and behaviors. This is what a man wants, even though he may not know it, it is there. He wants to know if he truly has a partner, a team mate, one who will devote themselves to each other and the strength and perserverance of the union.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (21 March 2008):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the thoughtful insight - All of you offered so much to me on this - It has been killing me inside so now I know how to phrase it to him - I was quite abused in my first marriage and he knows it and he has said that my x lost a good woman - he also tells his friends how much he loves me and how good I am to him - I might mention I am 6 yrs older than him but dont look it at all - Maybe that is the reason he keeps looking for someone? We are both done having kids - We have discussed that - I think he is somewhat selfish and his x has told me the same - stubborn at times - But he is totally good about it I mean we dont argue or name call or any of that nasty stuff. Oh I am beginning to ramble - Thank you all again for the timely advice - I would appreciate any more thoughts anyone has on this -
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Chippy2, you say that you "both" said you would never remarry at the outset. Have you really let him know that you have changed your mind? He may still think you are of the same feeling. I don't know what you have said or talked about, but if he doesn't know you are interested in marriage again, he is unlikely to mention it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Well, everyone is so doom and gloom when posters write in with commitment issues in their relationships, I usually hesitate to say end it because I know of relationships where the couple was together 10 years before marrying and they are still together after 10 more...so it really depends.
The dating site that he is on seems to me the only purpose of it would be to meet other women, so I don't get his comment that he doesn't want to date anyone other than you, or is it that he is just not successful on the dating site? That is a tough one.
I don't think he means he will never marry after being divorced, obviously he is going to be gun shy and resistant to making that plunge again. If you really love him and want to be his wife, you may have to be the one to intiate the talk on marriage.
If you tell him that you have been by his side for three years and you feel that he should know by now if he wants a marriage with you, that you deserve it and you are not apologizing or embarassed that you want that and you need to have some time line when he thinks that is going to happen, or better yet you give him a time line, say in 6 months if you are not ready to make a commitment of marriage and set a wedding date, I am going to have to move on because that is what I want for me...and then stick to it...you may have to stop seeing him so much as well to see if it causes him to wake up and realize that he really could lose you the woman he has loved for three years! So that is something you could chose to do instead of just hating him for looking on dating web sites and not dating any other women, only he knows the reason he is doing that for sure...maybe it just makes him feel like he is still single and has his options open and that is what you don't want.....so the only thing you can really do is change you and ask for what you want and if you don't get it or can't encourage him to propose, then give him what he wants and dump him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Paladin, that is great advice. I concur wholeheartedly. Poster, your guy asks you about your plans about retirement and he alludes to eloping, however..he's on dating sites. Your bf is being extremely disrespectful to you. Dating sites can cause many men to fall for the fantasy notion that there may be always something better 'around the corner'. So many men shortchange themselves to a quality, loving committment because they think this way, only to realize later 'they lost one heck of a good woman'. So what are his behaviors telling you dear? It tells you he is choosing a wrong because it suits him, at this moment in time, without clear regard for you. He has now become a huge liability in your life because it's hurting you and you would be better off---showing him the door. Doing this will not make you feel good about all this, for now, dear. However, over the long term, a more menaingful good feeling will come from facing this truth. Hun, it take courage to weather the pain but eventually, you will find someone who could treat you much better than this. Please hold out for that and never let anyone do this to you again. My heart is with you, dear...take care of yourself
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A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (21 March 2008):
 You already know there is no set amount of time for it to take for a relationship to turn into a marraiage. Stating that you both will never remarry after a divorce is extremely common and really means nothing when it comes to reality. One of the first rules in negotiations is to forget everything you heard prior to the word "but". So lets take what you said. He hints and makes comments about "someday", speaks of eloping, discusses long range plans and retirement BUT, he signed on to dating sites and looks at and sends an occasional email and perhaps chats too. I hope you see the relevance here. In my opinion everything prior to the word BUT is nothing more than keeping you on a string while he searches to see if there is a possible upgrade and that is terrible. I think you should put some distance between you and see if he wakes up. I am not suggesting that you need to totally break up but if he loves you and wants to be with you he shouldn't be searching for an alternative. I seriously doubt he would want you doing what he is doing and would probably be quite upset if you did.
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