A
female
age
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*rislin
writes:My fiance' and I got into an argument bout his job and its influence. I feel like a dirty secret. He says he wants to keep his home life seperate from his work life, ok. Yesterday he was called into work, just to realize that they didn't call him to work, but to go have cocktails. 2 hours later, I txt him to let him no Im going to go ajead and eat. To make a long story short, he apologized before coming home, and then after he gets home, I learn it was a lie that I didn't get to know bout til it was all done! I let him know Im hurt over his actions, as we're driving to go to breakfast with his family, and he starts yelling at me. I ask him to stop yelling at me and grab for the door to get out in stopped traffic, when he tells me in anger, "you get out of the car, and we are over!" Im truly disturbed by that!! I love this man dearly, so I didn't get out. But now I can't talk to him. Should I be as hurt as I am, over his ability to say that to me??!! He gave me an ultimatum that didn't take a split second to issue. Why am I so disturbed over this??!!??
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (15 October 2011):
Do you often cry in front of him when you're hurt by his actions? People can feel irritated at partners who cry a lot because they feel that the partner is trying to manipulate them by tears to get them to do what they dont' want to do.
That has nothing to do with who is in the right or wrong. But that could explain his sudden anger at you while in the car. It suggests to me that this was not an isolated incident, that similar things have happened as a pattern...?
from his perspective, he had texted to say sorry for not being back for dinner. And when he got back he DID tell you that it turned out to be drinks with his coworkers. he wasn't keeping secrets from you. And yet, you are still crying the next day. He probably feels frustrated if this situation repeats itself often throughout the relationship.
From your perspective, he's not acknowledging you and the relationship enough so you feel devalued and disrespected. That hurts, and if this happens often in the relationship each time it happens it hurts more and more and makes it harder to get over. Furthermore, you were honest when you said you couldn't go to the family breakfast without becoming emotional. He insisted you go, to keep up appearances for his own benefit (so he wouldn't have to 'answer questions'? What's wrong with just telling his family that you were not feeling well or were sick, surely they'd understand?). So you drag yourself there and when you inevitably become emotional - as you very well predicted to him you would - he responded with rage. that's unfair to you.
to me it seems that your bf is inconsiderate of your needs and feelings. But at the same time, maybe you're not asserting your own needs enough in this relationship or expressing your emotions without becoming emotional. You can communicate your feelings and emotions, without being emotional. Conversely you can be emotional without communicating anything at all, which leads the other person to be frustrated and irritated. You're frustrated that your feelings and needs are not being acknowledged. And it sounds like he's frustrated that you're over-expressing negative emotion. So it seems like there's been a lack of communication over what exactly the problem is, and instead it's hidden under layers of emotionality or else completel suppression. But the more your needs and feelings continue to be disrespected, the worse you will feel about yourself and about the relationship and thus the less it will take for future incidents to upset you. and as a result your needs continue to go unmet making you even more emotional.
Since he's the one who gave the ultimatum, I think you should talk with him - without getting emotional - to ask him what made him feel SO upset in the car that it would come down to an ultimatum. Clearly there's something bigger going on. With hold criticism or defensiveness, the point is to understand what he is thinking and feeling (whether or not it's fair is not the point just yet). Until you find out what his real perspective is (and to do that you may have to control your emotions so as to not be hijacking the situation by taking the focus off of him and onto you), you wont' have a clue what to do or where to start...
A
female
reader, Crislin +, writes (14 October 2011):
Crislin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Xearo..the way this whole thing went down was this. Its Wednesday eve, I fell asleep on the couch, and he woke me to let me know he was called into work. 2 hrs go by, and its approaching 8pm, I haven't eaten, so I send him a txt to let him know that I don't think our dinner plans are going to work, so Im just gonna go ahead and eat. He txt's me back saying he's sorry. I tell him, just my luck, and go about my business. 3 hrs go by and he says he's almost done here. He gets home bout 9:30pm appx. and tells me that it ended up not being a work thing but a drink gathering with his fellow Sup's. Why didn't he tell me the minute he found out?! Yes, he's Always been like this towards me, but I thought that when he said I was the one for him, that the secrets would stop. Now mind you, he tells me that he talks to others about me, so I have no grounds to feel like a dirty secret, but yet he says that he doesn't want to be part of the drama at his job, so he keeps his home life seperate from his work life. OK, so I try to understand that point of view. I go to bed feeling hurt, and figured I'd just cry it off. Next morning, I haven't slept, and we have plans to go to breakfast with his family. Im still hurt, so I crawl back into bed, and tell him Im not feeling up to it, plus his dad can see right thru me, its best that I not go. He gets out of the shower, comes over to my side of the bed, and says he needs me to go, so he doesn't have to answer a lot of questions. I reluctantly get out of bed, and get in the shower, but being that Im a person of the heart, Im still hurting, and sometimes controling my tears, is impossible. On the way to breakfast, I grab a kleenex so I can wipe away the tears, and try and keep my emotions in control.. (not easy!) He looks at me, and ask, "why are you crying?" My reply is, Im hurting. At that point, at that point we're pulling forward through a green light, behind a bus, and because of my answer, he starts yelling at me. I tell him theres no need to yell at me, Im trying to control it, but he just keeps on. Says he's not going to put up with this, that if this is the way Im going to act, that he can't put up with it, all the while still raising his voice, so my natural reaction to escape the cruelty, I grab the door, while we're stoped behind the bus, and he then yells at me, telling me that if I get out, We Are Done! I love the man Dearly, so I stay in the car, go to breakfast, and lie to his Dad, who like I mentioned before we went, could see right thru me. Now, I can't speak to him for fear that he's just gonna start yelling at me again. He tries to talk to me, but I don't know how to act, or what to say. And the Ultimatum still lingers..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 October 2011):
 What job does he have that he has to hide his GF? Unless he is the Pope, I can't see why anyone would have to hide their partners from their co-workers. There is something else going on.Your relationship seems very one-sided. Also the fact that he thinks he can do as he pleases as long as he apologize afterwards... Big no-no. He KNEW before he left the house that he was going out for drinks, I BET YOU. He just figured it was none of your business, and if you DID get upset he could always apologize. And when you showed him that you DO have an opinion, he put an ultimatum to your head.Very very uneven relationship.Personally this would make me say, ok I'm done.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I'm sorry there is no way to keep home and work seperate. Even if you want to. I can see not discussing personal details but if you live with someone else they should be listed as your emergency contact and your co-workers should know about the person.I'm more concerned about how he treats you in relationship to work (keeping you a secret) vs the fight. Some people say things in the heat of the moment and it's meant to be painful and hurt them because they are angry.. not saying it's the right thing to do but it's sometimes how folks act.. I've had similar disagreements/fights in the car with my boyfriend over stupid stuff...Personally if you are living together and he does NOT want work to know about you or include you in any social events from work, well then to me that's a big huge problem.I don't care if I see my boyfriend's co-workers (although he has taken me up to the office on occasion and introduced me to a few select folks and he does talk about me to his boss) BUT they at least better know about me... and if it's a social event I better at least be invited.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I totally agree with C. Grant. This is a "tip of the iceberg" situation in which this man is starting to dictate to you how things are to be and forcing you to both obey him and to doubt your own values. Get out now.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 October 2011):
How come he began yelling at you in the car though? And when did he tell you that it was a lie? Has he always been like this? Why did he get so upset in the car as well and how did the conversation go up to that point? And what is happening now after all of this, like are you two still talking ? I guess i have a lot of questions than answers but the story seems a little confusing to me.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 You are so disturbed because he's just told you how little he values you. And the relationship you thought you had.
He wants a seperate life from you, and was annoyed to find that you learned that "being called into work" meant going out for drinks.
He demonstrated to you just how he wants to solve problems with you. Some men would explain the issue, would ask why you were concerned, and would try to come to a mutually satisfactory outcome. He told you that opening the car door meant the relationship was over. You stayed in the car, and are putting up with him not talking.
You now have everything you need to know about this guy. Everything that happens from here on is because you are accepting it -- is that really how you want your life to go? If you marry him, nothing is going to get better. Move on, girl.
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