A
male
age
51-59,
*ospie
writes:I have posted problems re. my girl and me before. Just to provide summary. She is 25 years younger than me and we are related through a mutual sister in that her mum and my dad are our little sister's parents. This makes us step-brother and sister, though our parents aren't actually married.Despite our age difference, we've been seeing each other for the past two and a bit years. She loves me and I know I am important in her life as she makes her, awkward way through uni. However, lately, I've not felt the same love. I want to continue loving her because I like being important in her life and I find it hard to stop thinking about what she's doing and how she's getting on. She's also very sexy to me and I love cuddling up in bed with her and waking up beside her. She constantly calls but I call her less because some of her ways have begun to frustrate me. She's lazy if I don't push her and when I do she complains of being dictated to. There's probably truth in that but it also seems she wants my love without having to make any effort and it makes me feel undervalued. We have not had sex yet, and that is not a problem but she is a catholic and I'm an atheist and all her catholic guilt and religiously sexually disgusted instincts is tiring, especially as she is as enthusiastic about making out as you'd want your partner to be. I don't know how to handle this stage of our relationship. If I were to call it off, she would be devastated and if I realised I'd made a mistake and wanted her back, I would have to accept her terms for the relationship which would start to frustrate me again. What's your advice, aunties?
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male
reader, vospie +, writes (8 May 2012):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi,
I'm writing this to update on my relationship. Hopefully, you can see the other threads. My 25 years younger girlfriend is now 20 and we have finally finished after a few abortive attempts to do so. I guess I took others' advice, although I felt forced to; in truth, I would rather still be with her. However, what I didn't mention was that I already had a previous girlfriend who I couldn't properly leave because we have a son together. Although we were separated, she couldn't move on because I was always there trying to be a good dad and I couldn't fully move on, although I felt committed to my much younger girl. In the end, after all my 'babymother' has done for me (won't go into it), I decided she deserved the second child she always wanted and my son deserved a sibling he's always yearned for.
My younger gf was getting distracted from me and wasn't calling, texting and being quite disinterested, it seemed. I called it off, told her why (she knows my babymum). I thought she accepted the inevitable but she seemed to break down, couldn't cope with her university work and went into a depression. I've been there all the while but now she isn't calling me and I feel I have to leave her alone to get on with her life. Although I know the decision I made makes a lot of people happy in my family and my babymum's, I know I've sacrificed my happiness with my other girl, even though there was a massive age gap. All those who said break it up, don't realise how that can seem worse than keeping a complicated relationship (although I do feel my decision is the best one I could've made)
A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (8 March 2011):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for coming back with this response. I agree with you. It got to the point last week when I was trying to correct her writing because it's sometimes illegible and we had a row where we contemplated splitting up but didn't. I need to stop being so keen to correct her 'flaws'. I've become a little preoccupied with that and I think it is a little because she is so stubborn she acts like she can't learn or progress in the things she does and I get frustrated by that and try to make her change things that I should just let change organically. Sometimes I just want to say 'it's over' because I don't want to tell her that I love her anymore but I can't stop wanting to talk to her, know what she's doing and feel helpful towards her. She's had something unfortunate happen to her and I can't help myself wanting to give her all the help I can, even at the same time that I'm thinking 'I need to end it with her'. It's so confusing because if I have such a desire to be in her life, why can't I just love her for her and tell her so. I'd love to know what you (all) think about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): I think you both need to take a step back and talk with her about this. You also need to respect her religion, and she also needs to respect your views as well. You both need to respect each others views, otherwise, this has no chance of working out and you will both be constantly at each others throats. Everyone is different and we will not all have the same views.
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (21 February 2011):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, I'm not anonymous!
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (21 February 2011):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are called OhGetReal as a kind of note to self, aren't you?
Healthy relationships do have an element of ego about them. When you feel good to be with someone that is ego gratification but it is not necessarily a bad thing, especially when you use that feeling to benefit the other and to enhance the relationship.
I might be a little narcissistic, I confess and I do like being told I look younger than I am but, whether you like it or not, I frequently get exclamations of surprise when I reveal my real age, so you need to accept that. If we're here to be honest, there's no point me telling blatant lies!
I also think you would be better off just betting donuts because you are too stubborn in your views to accept something that runs contrary to it. She does not prefer others to me. I KNOW she loves me so there's no point you wanting to believe she can't.
I know our relationship is fairly unconventional but it doesn't necessarily mean it is screwing her up and it certainly isn't so that she's just dying for me to end it so she can be free to live her life. You seem to think that ending it would be great for her. It might be okay in the long run but what if it is not. What if, despite my age, despite our familial ties, despite my narcissism, she hasn't felt happier with anyone else and cherishes what I give her? What then? Is it still a matter of the age thing for you?
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Healthy relationships are not based on ego gratification.
If you think her 20 something friends are being truthful that you look like you are in your 20's when you are in fact 44 (wrinkly, fat or otherwise) then you are in deed narcissistic to a degree. I am not judging you for being 44, you can't help that any more than I can help being 54.
Her making you feel good about yourself is the thing that drives your motivation to do things for her to make her feel good, and you don't see a problem with this? You are narcissistic, you are the definition of narcissistic and your main complaint here in this one question is that she is making you feel undervalued.
You are anonymous so can't read your prior complaints about her that you have written here, but I would suffice it to say it is basically the same story.
You also are reading something in what I wrote that was not said, I don't think she is going to just go out and lose her virginity to some young stud at university, but I am bettiing dollars to donuts she does prefer them sexually over you. I have been her age, I am a female, you are not. What you are to her is a safe relationship that she is not aware of consciously, but that she knows is not going anywhere into the future.
I know that the UK has different morals surrounding dating family members whether related only through marriage or not, but I find this arrangement between step brother and step sister pretty incestuous and unhealthy. You should know better, you are the more mature one. What you should be to her is her brother, an older wiser person who won't take advantage of her youth her lack of experience and expect her to be less lazy and more grown up and give you sexual favors....as I am sure it is not just cuddling that you are doing during your sleepovers. Seriously, you need to get a grip, you are in the wrong here and now you are worried she will be devestated if you break up with her.
You've already screwed her up, why not set her free to live her own life before more hurt is bestowed upon her by you?
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (21 February 2011):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, you might think that at 44 I am some pot-bellied, balding, wrinkly fella but I'm not. Her friends think I am in my twenties. I must admit I'm having traumas about my hair which is less thick than it was but if people look surprised when I tell them my age, then I'm doing alright!
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (21 February 2011):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is directed at OhGetReal: Everyone has a reason to be in a relationship and if the person you are with doesn't feed your ego ie makes you feel good about yourself, you probably don't like them enough. Her making me feel good about myself generates my desire to want to do what I can to make her feel good, so this seems like a normal thing to me; I think your point is, therefore, flawed. As for sex, we've talked about it and she wants it with me but is simply not sure she's ready or the circumstances are right but I know she sees me as the right guy. It is derisory towards her for you to suggest she would lose her precious virginity to the 'young studs' at uni. She wants to lose it with someone she trusts. That would be me, actually.
Because I want to give you agony aunts a flavour of what she might be thinking or feeling, I have to describe how she might react to things. It doesn't mean that's my immediate way of rationalising things about her. I think you should recognise that before you start calling me narcissistic. Me saying she would be devastated is me trying to show you that I mean a lot to her right now, not bigging up myself.
To all the other comments; I could break it off and let us go through the pain until we get over it but if we're both going to suffer pain then surely there is something worth saving? That's my issue. I know it's a big age difference but even if the future is not together, right now we might be doing each other a lot of good. Is that not worth considering?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Break it off. She will leave you eventually. If you are 50 and she is 25, you cannot offer her what she needs. Let her find someone else.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (19 February 2011):
"I want to continue loving her because I like being important in her life and I find it hard to stop thinking about what she's doing and how she's getting on. She's also very sexy to me and I love cuddling up in bed with her and waking up beside her. She constantly calls but I call her less because some of her ways have begun to frustrate me. She's lazy if I don't push her and when I do she complains of being dictated to. There's probably truth in that but it also seems she wants my love without having to make any effort and it makes me feel undervalued. We have not had sex yet, and that is not a problem but she is a catholic and I'm an atheist and all her catholic guilt and religiously sexually disgusted instincts is tiring,"
You like being in this relationship because it feeds your ego and your need to be needed, you state it right up there in the above paragraph, not just as honestly. You also find her lazy and have to push her and she rebels.
You have a parent child relationship and she calls you so much as she awkardly makes her way through university because you are her security blanket.
You haven't had sex with her yet and you think her being Catholic is tiring as you are an aetheist.
There are so many reasons the two of you should not be a couple and I think you know what all those reasons are, it is YOU who is in denial here.
You are pretty narcissistic fellow I can tell by you saying how if you break up with her she will be devestated.
Don't count on it, she is half your age and is more than likely more physically attracted to the young studs she sees every day or she would be having sex with you...this isn't' just about her catholic school girl ways...she's saving herself for the right man and it isn't you.
She will get over you, cut her loose and find a more appropriate, mature partner who is not a lazy child and can stimulate you intellectually not just cuddle with you in bed.
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (19 February 2011):
vospie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. I'm glad you focus on us as a couple, as most tend to concentrate on the age thing or the fact of our family ties. Whenever we talk, it seems we need each other for varying reasons. I'm not the kind of guy to easily upset someone or let them down but i don't want to continue with her after 'the sell-by date', as it were. I've made that mistake before but I do know I have feelings for her and still feel I have more to offer her, if she wants it. I am just not sure what it is she may offer me because there are some things I know she might find difficult to give me, being a bit conservative and not being particularly outgoing. I was really into her half a year ago and I want that strength of feeling again. I feel it can be reinvigorated. I guess a break would be useful but it's difficult for both of us to initiate; more so for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): This is a difficult one because you are at different stages of your lives and want different things. In some ways, although you say she would be devastated, I would say set her free to find herself, be young and lazy and all those things which is quite natural for a girl her age. You say you are reluctant to be with her on her terms. Why can you not meet in the middle? I feel the age difference will make an ongoing relationship difficult for you both. Twenty five years is a very big gap and hard to bridge even when you love each other if you are not both singing from the same hymn sheet.
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