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anonymous
writes: I'm 26 and I slept with my sports coach back in April. I've known him from when I was about 13/14 because I used to go to the sports camps and socials and when I was about 14/15 I started to develop a bit of a crush. I didn't know him well, he was always a bit quiet, but I just used to think he was really nice. I left the club because I went to uni then lived away then rejoined last year (10 years later). He got a divorce last year and he's been going through a difficult time and I understand that because my parents got divorced when I was 12 and it was really hard. He's got 2 children and he's found it devastating.It all started when I was having coaching with him last year in July and I got to know him. He offered to take me to the Winter party and I kissed him which he said he was flattered about. Then at Christmas I invited him out for a drink with my friends and went back to his. Then it ended with me feeling upset.Then in April I started having coaching with him again and then ended up sleeping with him. He treated me really badly and just wanted me for sex and basically because I liked him so much, I made the mistake of allowing him to. I couldn't stop telling him how much I liked him and because of this he ended it. He also said it was never going to happen because of the 15 year age gap. We agreed to be civil and not stop the coaching because I wanted a coach (I have a new one now, who's now more expensive, but he's not as available because he's the head coach).Then I saw him having a drink with a female friend at the club and I got upset because I thought, well why didn't he want to take me out?This then lead to me telling a male friend at the club who always had a bit of a flirt with me and I was seeing him for a few months (he took me out and we had a good time) but he dumped me because he had a girlfriend (never before and never again date anyone with a GF, learnt my lesson) and there was a huge age gap (30 years). I think he was a rebound really, although I don't know because I did always enjoy his company.Anyway since that broke off I am still feeling really upset about the coach, probably because I knew him from when I was young and then built up a friendly/professional relationship with him in the 6-8 months he was coaching me last year.I've sent him texts to tell him how I'm feeling and I still feel upset or I've let him know when I felt jealous of him coaching another younger woman like me. He doesn't respond. I have said in the text that I thought he was horrible but then I've said sorry and that I just want to sort this out because I still have to see him around the club and still no response. I understand he's going through a terrible time but on a separate issue, I just feel bad about it and I really don't know what to do or how to deal with these feelings, I can't believe I still feel like this about it. Please help.
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hi,I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Well, it happened, it was a mistake, now move on. I know you want to clear things out, need answers, but he refuses to talk to you, explain, and even ignore you when you contact him. What happened to you is really unfair, because even if he didn't have real feelings for you, he could've been more mature and end nicely with you. Clearly shows his character. He's rude, selfish, immature, so please don't waste anymore of your time with this man. What happened to you was unfair, but things happen in life. You have to move on for your own sake, because you know he doesn't have feelings for you, don't respect you, and don't want anything to do with you. There's no future, not even friendship. Be strong, think this as a lesson, and in the future choose wisely who to trust, and become emotinally attached. You deserve better, you are young, and I am sure you will find someone that will love you, respect you, care about you the way you truly deserve. Don't think of him anymore, don't try to make sense, find answers, don't contact him anymore, and next time you see him, be confident, proud, take the situation with class, and ignore him. Good luck hope you feel better
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2011):
What happened here is that a 41 year-old man struggling with his divorce and the consequences of it, saw you as a welcome distraction. No strings attached sex with a young thing. Then you tell him you like him and he realizes that this isn't as unattached as he thought it was and breaks it off because the last thing he needs is to go from one broken marriage to a new relationship with someone he's been coaching since he was about 28/29 and you were barely a teen. He liked being wanted by a young woman like you and he liked the sex, but that's it.
He's never going to think of you in any other way, so if I were you I would stop contacting him. You're only causing more hurt for yourself. He obviously isn't man enough to deal with your feelings, just like he wasn't man enough to refrain from crossing the line between coach/student relationships. Guys like that aren't worth your time. Stop letting him coach you and sever all ties with him. You haven't built up a professional relationship with him these past months. Professionals don't sleep with their students.
Whatever stuggles he has don't right his wrongs. However, at the same time you need to realize your own unrealistic expectations and naive actions. You're an adult now, not a teen. Like it or not, you're not his girlfriend and he doesn't owe you a thing relationship wise. He can go out with whom he pleases, sleep with whom he pleases because he has made no commitment to you. That's the truth and you need to accept it.
So now all that is left are your feelings. How to deal with them? Well, realize that this wasn't the nice man you thought he was and that he isn't the great catch you hoped he was. Basically you have to show yourself how unattractive he is on the inside. Once you do you can get over him quickly.
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