A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 22, and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. During these 5 years, he has always lied to be about his “addiction” to weed and chewing tobacco. Before we started dating, he knew that i would not date someone who smoked etc…Everytime i would catch a tin, or a joint, we would get into a really big arguement. he would swear that he would change, and lead me to believe that he had, until the next time i found somethng. Over the years, i became really familiar of what it he sounded like when he lied, and so i wouldnt even need to find a tin, i would just ask what he bought for 8 dollars at the gas station. he would make up a story like he bought a sandwhich, and i would say that it is not expensive like that. so he would insist, and i would ask to see the receipt. he would say “the cashier didnt give me one”…etc… just last year, i told him that if he needed to do it, he could come and talk to me about it. and as long as i could help him stop, and that i knew he was doing it. so i would go on thinking that he had been doing really well, and then i would find something strange, like a withdrawl, or a tin at work (which he would insist is someone elses)...then he would make up a lie, and as i re-questioned his lie, it would change, until i would finally get him to admit, usually after hours. he would be mad at me the whole time saying that i am accusing him and bla bla bla, and then would finally admit. 5 months back or so, it got so bad that i really wanted out, i was prepared to leave this life behind, but we share rent/car/food/etc…and are both students. I can’t afford to be on my own, i have never been on my own etc… I know that deep down, i need to leave him, because if he has not changed in 5 years…then he will never change. I am also really embarassed about my family and friends finding out that i will have to break up, and that we have problems, because i have never told them before of any problems…. I have been given advice before, but it is all “oh just leave him” “you’ll get over it”…but the problem is i can’t just do that… Should I leave him? If so, how can i leave him? How would I be able to survive without financial help? How do I deal with my friends and family, when I break up with him? I really need help!
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female
reader, Unique1  +, writes (6 August 2007):
God, I had the same problem. I never dated anyone that smoked, especially weed. I hate the smell of it,the way it makes people look and act. I just HATE it! I met my bf and he knew my opinion on it. He said he used to do it once in a while and wasnt doing it anymore. We started dating and months in, I found out (we kissed and i tasted it) that he still did it once in a while. It hurted my feelings. I didn't want a guy that did that even if it was once in a while. We had huge fights and arguments about it as well. I was going to walk away muself.
I told him i was in love but him doing that was so unattractive and if he continued i couldn't stay with him. It hurted and i felt miserable. We broke up. One week later, he called to see if we could come to some kind of understanding. To make a long story short, we agreed that if he was going to do it once in a while it was going to be with me there. So, when we would hang out with his boys and they were all doing it, he would few times too. I was okay with it because i was there while he did it. It helped me to know that he wasnt acting up or being shady while on it. Now, he hasn't done it in months. He might do it again ocasionally but its gotten very good. Thanks god.
What you can do is try to have him cut down a lot to the point where he barely does it. If he really can't stop and you dont want to lose him, you can tell him that u are willing to compromise and that means that if he has to do it -barely ever- you want to be there. That way he doesnt have to sneak around behind your back and lie and all that. If he is a good guy for you otherwise, i think you should make this compromise. I mean you will almost get what you want, again this is if he is good with everything else and you dont want to leave him.
Also, as far and your friends and family goes, you dont need to worry about them. They should be understanding because everyone has problems. If they are your real friends they should be there for you if you decide to leave him. People have problems and some just come out of nowhere. Your friends and family should know that and probably do so dont stress yourself about what they will think.
I hope this helped you little bit... Let me know what happens...
A
female
reader, so_in_love  +, writes (6 August 2007):
you need to decide if this problem is so bad it can't be overcome, if you decide that you have to leave him, threaten him first. Maybe then he'll actually see what he's doing to you.
About your friends and family, they will understand, and if they care about you as they should then they will stick by you and not think you were being stupid or anything. You don't have to go through this alone.
Good luck xxxx
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