A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got cheated on in the past and it has left me massively insecure. I don't have the money to pay for counselling. Any ideas how I can go about getting my esteem back? I have lots of friends and do lots of exercise - I don't hate my looks or figure but I just expect my bf to cheat on me or to find everyone else more attractive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): Try a couple of books. Cheating is a form of abuse, sorry to all you cheaters reading this, but it is abusive and deeply painful.The first one is for people who have been sexually abused. In the same section of the bookstore you will find similar books that may fit your needs better.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933More likely to be helpful is the following.http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry to feel you are feeling so low.
As I see it, you have two mill-stones around your neck are they stand out:
(1) trust issues
(2) self esteem issues
But I think dealing first with self esteem issues is the way to go. One of the aspects of low self esreem is not having mich confidence in who you are, and what you are capable of. So you need to reprogram your mind about what you
are capable of, by demonstating to you that you can get out there, do good
things and be adaptable to chance and differences every time.
Trying out safe new things, no matter how small, demonstrates that we are capable and can try new things.
Over a six week period try any of the following:
1. To try a new fruit or vegetable that you have never tried - for example star fruit
2. If you have normally purchased lunch get into the habit of making something interesting at home to take as lunch daily.
3. Is there an art gallery nearby that you have never or rarely visit - go visit it.
4. Is there an author you have meant to read - go read him.
5. Ever thought of volunteering - offer your services once a month
6. Is there a skill you want to learn, improve or try - find a way to learn.
7. How long since you visited the zoo - do it
8. Further to (6) above - find out if there is an activity where you can join a group and learn a new skill - painting water colors/ trying yoga/join a choir if you can sing/ find out if you can learn bell ringing
9. search out a group where they meet once a month to help each other get better at a skill - public speaking for example.
10. Do you have an existing skill you could put to better use - if you have woodworking skills then, find out which small toys are most needed then make those small toys in wood for children and donate same to a charity for Christmas. Or if you can knit or crochet make some knee rugs and ask a charity helping the elderly if they would accept your donation of colorful knee rugs you made (being able to help others makes you feel good)
11. Change your own set up at home - shift around or alter aspects of where you live, even if as small as shifting your bed - all change is energizing
12. Start a selection of positive affirmations and say one out loud to you every day.
13.Go somewhere different for lunch on at least five occasions - for example visit various landmarks in your city and sit down to have lunch and take in the beauty of the area
14 - change your hairstyle or hair color
15 - all changes should be safe for you, legal and harm no one.
16 and every night before you go to bed say in your head or out loud: 'good night ....(your name) you are a wonderful person and I love you.
That is not arrogant, it is just valuing and respecting the worth in you.
17: start an achievment journal - daily write in one good thing you did in the journal by the end of each day.
18. Get in the habit of providing a sincere truly meant and meaningful compliment to someone daily, where due.
19. Start trying to learn a new language not via books but by asking a willing person the tell you the words and how yo say them in their language for the words: please, thank you, yes, no, good day and good night. Write the phoenetic pronunciation in a book. Practice daily. When you have mastered that find out the words for the days of the week. And so on. Practise. It is good for your humility to discover you know so little.
20. Revamp your wardrobe slowly but with a pln. Or go to classes to learn to sew.
21. Learn new basic skills like soap making and candle making
Keep adding new things you can try. You will be amazed how trying all these things and being positive in your outlook will lift your own self esteem. We get stuck in a negative rut sometimes, and it drags our self esteem down.
Practise trying new skills, being more positive 'yes I can do that' and you will find your own self esteem improve.
Trying new things will also help teach you to trust yourself
Good luck
, .
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A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (31 May 2011):
I dont know what things are like there, but I have found that all pastors/priests are willing to help --- some of them have heard more and experienced more than a formally trained counselor. You need to work on that esteem before getting into any more relationships. Maybe (I'm willing to say definitely) you will chose men that are very different than the ones you are choosing now. :)
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (31 May 2011):
Yes I agree with CaringGuy in that you can usually get free therapy, but you may be on a waiting list.
Focus on what you do have. You seem to have a lot going for you by your message. You're only in your early 20's; your whole life ahead of you.
You say someone cheating on you has left you insecure, but you could flip the coin and see it from another perspective. You learnt that a guy didn't deserve to be with you, that you are now available to meet a guy of higher morals and values and you learnt a life lesson that sometimes, we do get hurt. But don't infer from the last bit that every human experience ends badly, it doesn't. Sometimes it just takes us a bit of time to pick ourselves backup, and move on. But whilst you see yourself as a victim, who suffered from someone elses treatment, you will never fully move on. You're going to move on and find a happy fulfilling relationship based on love.. your ex is a cheater and is destined to live a life of never finding that kind of deepness with someone. Sounds to me like you're the one that's going to come out of this a far, far better person.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 May 2011):
Have you spoken to your GP? Here in the UK it is possible to get counselling because of the NHS. Perhaps if you're feeling that low about yourself, you should try that.
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