A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Ok, heres the situation. I am still in touch with my first girlfriend from 25 years ago. She lives in another country and we see each other every couple years or so. She is divorced and has 2 kids. I dated her before she married and had the kids, not after. I still love her and always will. She was my first girlfriend! She has always had money troubles and I have been sending them checks every Christmas for years. I love those girls like they were my own and I just want to make sure they have nice Christmas! I have also sent money when she calls me to say she needs help with her bills. It makes me happy to know I can help and I feel it is only money. The problem is my girlfriend. I didnt even tell her about them for a long time. Then when I did, here I thought it would impress her and make her like me more to know what a sweet, generous guy I am. Instead she went ballistic that it was inappropriate and excessive. This became a repeated argument over the next year and a half. Me saying I love them like I am their Dad, her saying I am a sugardaddy not a dad. That really hurts! She says $1000 is way too much money and I just dont see it as a big deal. I dont need much. I dont have a house or a family to support, so I send it to them. It is my money to do with as I want! And I am not going to stop loving my friends just because GF and her kids are in my life now. Around Christmas GF tried to break up with me. She said she was sick of me sending them so much money. She said it was ok to send them each $50, that this was a normal gift and what was acceptable to her. I felt that this was an arbitrary and unfair limit and it is none of her business what I do with my money. If we were married then she could have a say, but we arent married yet. We had been talking about marriage and looking at houses together. She said I wasnt serious about her because I wanted to send my friends money, and because I still had never told them about her existence. I explained that I had just told them all about her and that should demonstrate just how much she meant to me. This did help a bit. But she was still angry that it took me 2 years to do so. I got her to drop the subject for awhile and she didnt bring it up for 3 months. I had postponed sending my friends the money and felt really bad about it. I knew they were expecting it. So when GF didnt bring it up for so long I thought I was in the clear and sent them the money. Then it was uncanny! Within a couple days of sending them the check GF brought it up again and when she found out I had sent the money she went ballistic. She said I didnt care enough about her and she would never marry me and never live with me or anything. It really took the wind out of my sails about looking at houses. What is the point of buying a house if I will be all alone? I wanted her and her kids to be there with me and now she says that will never happen. She says I chose them over her and that isnt it at all! Why do I have to choose one or the other? I dont see how they are connected! I am really hurt. I love my girlfriend. She doesnt seem to believe how much I love her. I feel that if I give in to this demand, then what is next? Am I supposed to just do whatever she tells me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): You are clinging to a past relationship to the detriment of your current one. Why is this? Do you still have feelings for this woman? If so, then maybe you should be with her instead of stringing along your current girlfriend when your heart is really elsewhere. Are these children really yours and you just arent telling the truth? That is the only legitimate reason I can think of for sending them so much money. You cant be a Father to them when they live so far away and you only see them every couple years. Give up this pretence. Perhaps you are filling some empty space inside of yourself with this action, some inadequasy you see in yourself? How very sad for you. How very sad for your girlfriend. I think if you keep this up you will lose her. But I dont think you really love her anyway or you wouldnt be doing something that distresses her so much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): I have to say that if it were me I wouldnt put up with my boyfriend sending some other women and her kids that kind of money for one second. The fact that this 'became and argument for the next year and a half' shows that she cared enough about you to stick around and I have to give her a lot of credit for that. I wouldnt do it. I think it is a ridiculous amount of money to send to a past love. If you were in a current relationship with this women, then fine, but 25 years later? No friggin way! If this former girlfriend had any sence of decency she wouldnt be accepting this from you either. She would tell you it is too much and send it back. I think she is milking you bigtime. And by the way I think it is bullshit to say that you love them like they were your own. You see them once every couple years? You hardly even know them!! This is not a real relationship. You are definately a sugar daddy like your girlfriend says. I think it is pathetic that you have to uplift your own self worth by doing this. You should be focusing on how to make your current relationship work, not worrying about some family you hardly know that just wants you for your money. By the way, do you spend this kind of money on your current love and her kids? Or just on the 'other woman'?
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A
male
reader, Say It Straight  +, writes (9 June 2007):
If you are a single person then no body should tell you what you should do with your own money. If you are in a relationship then her opinion counts, however if you are just helping out a friend then that should be all that it is taken as, the only problem is as i see it, is that if you are spending money on a past girlfriend that you should be spending on your present relationship? can you afford it? if you can and your present girlfriend does not go without then why should it bother her, however you obviously are still attached to your past girlfriend and it is this that i believe is the issue, this, i believe is the most worrying point, your present girlfriend feels threatened, the only thing that you can do is explain to her that your ex is a friend and she always will be and that whilst you obviously have feelings for her as a very good friend now, they in no way will ever come between you and your present girlfriend or be anywhere near the feelings that you have for her.
Many men have other women that they pay maintenance to and although this is not exactly the case it seems to be in your mind. In one respect if there is an ultimatum then you do have to decide who you want, it is only a choice if your current girlfriend insists on making it one, if you stop the payments for your ex and go into this new relationship thinking that you let a very good friend down then the guilt will kill your new relationship and to be quite honest, if it is not causing hardship and you can afford it then she should stand by you on this one and trust you, and i have to be harsh, no trust, no relationship, you seem like a fair man who has tried to explain things she might not like it but it is about who you are, are you going to allow her to start changing you already, believe you me once you are married then the real changing starts, how many times have you seen men get married and be changed out of all recognition.
If you like what you are and are happy with what you are then don't change,
On a last note, ask yourself whether you are bieng used by both of them, help your ex by all means but dont just be a bottomless pit that she can dip into when she wants, help her set up a business or something that she then could support herself, she will then be able to stand on her own two feet and she will feel that she is not just using you, she must feel guilty thinking that this is affecting your present relationships, try to be more constructive how you help people, it will be better for everyone in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): ok. well i can see why she would be annoyed. its a natural reaction. it SEEMs like you're clinging to the past. but to be honest if you feel you genuinely are just helping a friend then i agree with you- your money, your business.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 June 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I totally agree with what Roy has just stated, but thought I would add this, as well:
Sorry, but I think I am siding more with your girlfriend on this one. While it's your money and you can do what you want with it, why don't you spend it on things that would build a good future for you and your current girlfriend? And you know how much it hurts the person you're supposed to love, so isn't there some other way you can help your ex that doesn't get your partner so upset that she's willing to leave you?
I think it's great that you can be friendly with your ex and even her kids, but in my opinion it's a bit much to be sending her thousands of dollars. So while you're not supposed to do whatever she says, there is such a thing as a compromise. Could you compromise on this? Since your ex is a grown woman, she should be able to fix her money problems. If she's not, maybe you can help her by giving her GUIDANCE on what she should and shouldn't do, since you seem to be so good with money. And when it comes to the kids, perhaps you could buy each of them a nice Christmas and/or birthday present.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, elsie +, writes (8 June 2007):
 sorry to be so harsh but i cant believe how blind you are being?i cant think of any woman putting up with this.youve mentioned about not being married so you can do what you want financially then you say you are househunting together?surely thats a big commitment living together?if those children were yours then fair enough you are expected to be sending maintenance.where are their fathers.i think this other woman is milking you.also what your girlfriend suggested about a gift of say$50 is totally fine.you seem to be hankering after the past.your g/f has kids too and you are with her now.why should she stand by idly and watch you hand over this sort of cash.i think shes done well to be putting up with this in the first place.you ask what will she be demanding next?i think you need to take a closer look at what you will be doing for your ex next?how can you possibly not see that you are continuing the connection NOW in the present day.turn it all round for the future you live together etc.are you really strong enough to stop this business with the past.no wonder she went ballistic when she found out that you sent the money behind her back.she must have seen that as very sneaky and if you stop papering over the cracks i think you will realise how badly you are hurting her?how would you take it if she was sending one of her EXs money for him and kids that she knew before you?maybe you arent ready for a commitment and want to carry on spending YOUR money how you see fit.ive been through very similar stuff to what shes now going through and i had to put my foot down and say no more.my partner said hed been so wrong and didnt realise how much hed hurt me.i wish you luck and hope that you dont lose this lady.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (8 June 2007):
 You need to let go of the past and focus on your present relationship. In my eyes the amounts that you are sending are way too much and this ex is taking advantage of your good nature..
I would understand if this was a short term arrangment but it is not and i think it sends the wrong message to your ex and she is relying on you too much instead of going out and finding other means to support herself.
I can understand your need to want to help, however it has clearly got in the way of your current relationship, you need to start to re-evaluate things. It has everything to do with your current girlfriend, she cares for you and you should consider her feelings in this. You dont want to see a comprimise in this. Wouldnt you rather be spending this money on your current girlfriend or putting the money towards the house you were looking for?
I believe you may still have certain feelings remaining for your ex and your way of holding on is to support her financally. This in the long run is doing her no good. What happens if you do get married, do you stop sending the money then?
I commmend you on your gestures to the ex, but i think you need to be more realistic to the situation. I am sure your ex can support herself well enough if given the chance instead of been supported by yourself.
R
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