A
female
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anonymous
writes:I don't really know where to start with this but, basically i never go out with my mates!I'm 17. I feel like a am drifting apart from the mates i hang round with in college at lunchtime and break, me and them just don't seem to have an awful lot in common and i have been spending less and less time with them cos most of the time i don't really enjoy their company. I have alot of half days at college so usually don't bother coming in for lunch and just come in for the lesson. I now have a boyfriend who i met in december so that's probably another reason why i don't spend much time with them - cos i prefer spending my time with him. But even when i was hanging round with my mates all the time i rarely seemed to get invited anywhere, we got on well in college but they didn't seem overly keen to see my outside of college. And what i find most annoying and what hurts me the most is that they will discuss going out in front of me yet most of the time they just don't bother to invite me! And they know i can hear them! But i'm too stubborn and shy and have too much pride to ask to come along - i don't want to go anywhere where i'm not welcome! I have plenty of other good friends in college who i get along with better and have more in common with, but as i don't hang round with them, they don't invite me anywhere either as i don't really spend enough time with them and i don't mind this at all, i wouldn't expect them to invite me anywhere:) i know i should just stop hanging round with the friends i hang around with and hang around with other people, but i only have a few months of college left until we all go our seperate ways and i don't think there's much point really! I could put up with this situation until the end of college when i can make a fresh start - i wouldn't mind that, but i'm starting to think there's something about me which makes people just not want to see me outside college! And that i will be in this situation all my life and i don't want that!As i said, even when i was with these mates all the time and we got in great, they would rarely invite me anywhere. I've never had a problem making friends - i have lots and get on with most people i meet, but for some reason i just never get invited anywhere! And it's getting me down, especially as i'm worried that i could be like this all my life!I'm very shy and can be quite quiet sometimes but i know people like this yet they still go out with their mates! I know people will say arrange nights out myself but i'm far too shy and not confident enough to do this!Is there something wrong with me and will this carry on forever?! And what am i doing wrong?!Sorry this a bit long!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 People do sometimes outgrow their teenage interests, and at right about the age you are now, so it's not likely that it's just you.
Friendships that you make in childhood only occasionally make that transition to adulthood. It's saddening somehow, but also liberating. Once you're out of secondary school, whole new social worlds open up, and sometimes you find yourself swept along a different route than your old friends do. Consider a different take on the situation, and think of what's happening as an expansion of your definition of friendship.
It's a bit insensitive though for you school friends to be so overt about leaving you out. Maybe it's a bit of a jab at you for choosing to spend more time with your boyfriend than with them, or maybe they're just socially thick, but they shouldn't be saying those things, particularly in range of your hearing!
I like "juliagulia's" suggestions, below. Be the bigger person and invite some of them to socialise with you, to an event of your own choosing. Even make it a regular weekly or fortnightly event. (Bet that your BF would love a night when he can plan to hang with his mates too, and will love you all the more for giving him the chance to be with the lads.)
When you get to uni, involve yourself in clubs and organisations that interest you and you'll find yourself making friends almost automatically. Nothing helps along a budding friendship than having a passion in common!
As to whether this will carry on "forever", well, you grow and change throughout your life. All of the friends you make in your 20s might not make that transition to your 30s, but there are always a few special friends who adapt. Don't worry too much about it; it's the normal evolution of friendships. The people who really love you stick around.
Good luck and don't worry!
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reader, juliagulia +, writes (15 March 2006):
 You are right, I am going to suggest that you invite them out. But you don't have to invite all of them -- if you are too shy to deal with very many people at once, then just invite the one you like the most to see a movie with you. It isn't hard to say "doesn't that new movie look great. my guy hates chick flicks, would you like to go with me?" Or invite a girl you like to go shopping with you at a new store. Or invite a few people over for dinner. Do a girls poker night or something fun like that. If your boyfriend has some friends, then see if he can arrange a night out with some of his buddies and their girlfriends so you can try to make some new friends. Join a club or organization at your college for something you are interested in and try to make some new friends who you can relate to. You have to put yourself out there sometime!
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