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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year, we're renting at the moment and are now looking into buying a place of our own. I dream of us having a long and happy future together, but he doesnt really let me in on whats his thoughts for our future are. I have some health problems which basically mean its going to be a struggle having children, and my boyfriend has known since we met that this worries me, and said to me at the start of our relationship that he'd support me if we ever got serious. Well, the problem is we are serious now, but everytime i try to discuss our future he goes all quiet and says 'not yet', even if i just generally mention marriage or babies.I cried over this last week as it really gets to me sometimes, i just want to know where we are going, I feel a bit confused, he'll commit to a mortgage with me, but nothing else...YET. we have had our problems like any couples in normal relationships, but we've worked through them which is why i know hes the one for me, and although he tells me he loves me all the time, he still wont discuss 'us'. I dont know what to think, say or do!? can anyone help? xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 Don't buy the house with him if you're doing it because you think it's a precursor to a marriage and kids. Yes, it might be, but if that's not what he thinks it is (he just might appreciate your help with a sound investment), you're going to have a whopping great debt to share with a man that you thoroughly resent. Not a pretty scene.
I think you have to slow down on this. You haven't even been together for a year yet, and already you want marriage and babies? That's much too soon to be discussing such long-range plans. Give it another year or two. What's your rush?
It's clear that he's not even comfortable discussing marriage with you yet, so your pushing on the issue is going to start to grate on him and make the whole idea seem negative.
My take on this situation is that he wants to own a house, full stop, while you want to believe that if he buys a house it's just a short hop from mortgage to marriage. But the two can be mutually-exclusive activities! Don't assume that one leads to the other.
I recommend that step back and ask yourself why, after less than a year, you're so anxious to leap into marriage and children with a man who won't even *talk* about it. Is it a biological-clock issue? Is it because you see it as an E-ticket to respectibility? What would be the worst that could happen if you agreed not to discuss marriage until this time next year?
Maybe you should consider going to couples' counselling with him too, to learn some strategies to communicate together. Right now, you're harping the same tune over and over, and he's got his figurative hands clamped over his figurative ears, humming loudly to drown you out. If things continue this way, you'll end up with an investment partner, not the husband that you want.
This guy's definitely NOT ready for marriage. His opinion counts too, you know.
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 No one can tell you what is going through his head except him. If he is not talking to you about what is going on then that is your biggest relationship problem.
Even if marriage does come up you need to ask yourself if you really want to be involved with someone who shuts you out?
As for having health problems, all of the human race will have health problems somewhere in their life and it shouldn't ever be an issue.
As for buying a house together when there is no legally binding marriage, DON'T! Let him buy it outright or you buy it outright, but don't do it together. This is just sound legal and financial advice.
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female
reader, Sophia Tareen +, writes (15 March 2006):
Hey sweetie.... hope your feeling any better with every thing that is happening to you at the moment?.. anyway, just talk to your boy friend and ask him exactly how he feels about you,and ask him where you stand in this long term relationship.... if he keeps on with that attitude by not wanting to talk discuss the future or any thing what so ever with you, then i think you should tell him face to face that, if he aint willing to discuss your future with you then theres no point moving in together because with out knowing where and whats gonna happen next which we you cant predict, then theres no point moving in under one roof, cause am sure untill you dont know what your boy friend is thinking and feeling deep down inside him, then definatly there is gonna be ever so much conflict between the pair of you.... (with garanteed)!because your gonna push him every single day about your future and he is gonna keep on saying not now later, then you will end up getting angry and god knows what will happen next.... so my advice to you is dont move in not just yet, oh and one more thing, if he truly loved you so much from the bottom of his heart and he wants to move in with you then whats stopping him from discussing the future, unless theres some thng he aint telling you, which means has he got a skelyton in his closet if not then what is stopping him.... "i hope my advice will help you, and hopefully with Gods blessing every thing will be sorted out just the way you want it to be"....
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A
female
reader, juliagulia  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 well, i know this may be too hopeful, but maybe he is planning on proposing and is waiting for the right time to surprise you? that actually happened to my best friend and it was after they bought a house together. she was worried,too, and i will tell you the same thing i told her: if he is serious enough about you to buy a house together and all of that, then he is definitely in for the long haul. you cannot push the idea of marriage on someone who doesn't feel they are ready. but seeing as how you have worked through many problems and stayed together and are buying a house together, i think it is safe to say that things are becoming more serious. is it really so important to you to have that piece of paper or that ring when you know you have the person already? making him feel pressured will only cause problems, so my advice would be to let it ride for a little while, focus on getting the house and moving in and seeing where it goes from there. if the issue for you is that you don't want to get the house together until you know he wants to marry you, then maybe you should just tell him that. but be careful, sometimes an ultimatum like that can really blow up on you. good luck to you!
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