A
male
age
41-50,
*ac193
writes:Me and my wife have been living together for nine years and married for the last six we have two children the youngest is four years old throughout our relationship her weight and appearance has fluctuated. in the last few years I have found her less and less attractive I guess I always thought that after we were finished having our children she would start taking better care of her appearance. I have kindly dropped hints and encourage exercise I myself exercise on a semi regular basis and always invite her to join me these requests are always met with the same I don't have time or no thank you's and other such excuses it's not that she doesn't realize what I am doing she tells me that no amount of exercise is going to ever make her look good again both of our children were extremely large and she is a very small framed person she is extremely self aware of her present condition. She will no longer join me and our friends at functions that require her to be in a bathing suit pool parties lake etc. and every time I ask her if she wants to go out it is met with the same answer. I have nothing to wear a.k.a. I look fat in everything. we are both still very young and I feel like this should not be happening. I know that we have two kids but loose skin and stretch marks are not my concern. I am also starting to have some serious jealousy and envy issues over some of our friends whose wives have managed to keep up their good appearance despite similar lifestyles I love my wife very much but this whole thing is driving me crazy. I really hate myself for feeling this way and if something doesn't change. I am going to lose my family over something that most of you will probably think is very trivial
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 I wasn't going to answer this but, felt obligated to. All the people in here gave you good advice, hope you take it seriously...
Best answer yet, "IRONMAN777" he's been in the same situation... So, try to save your marriage while you can... I know you feel guilty for feeling this way, sounds veru superficial, yet insignificant and simple, but NO, its more serious than you think...
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): I don't understand how i can be the only one, who doesn't think this sounds right.
I am an over-weight girl, so..I can kinda understand her point of view.
After marriage, and having children its normal for a woman to not care what they look like. Some women don't even shave their legs as often married, than they did when they were "dating". You need to make your wife feel special and beautiful no matter what! She needs her confidence up! she has never been that size before, and that can be depressing. She is exhausted, from raising 2 children, and ashamed to go out in public because of what she looks like. Maybe consider watching the kids for the day, and let her go out and do something. Once she is out of the house, she will begin to feel healthy, and good again. It takes time, she isn't gonna be a size 5 anymore, and you are going to have to accept that.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (25 May 2011):
Hi - you have had three excellent answers from ladies, so I thought I'd add a male perspective. I was like you with my partner of 14 years, we had two children and she put on heaps and heaps of weight, 120 kgs she weighed. I exercise alot and its just part of my life, so to have a partner that weighs and looks like she did was hard. I tried suggesting, I tried asking nicely, I tried arguing and always met with same response, I have to want to do it myself. I guess thats right she had to want to do it for her to lose weight.
So often with people it takes a major upheavel for them to actually change. We broke up eventually cause I had an affair. one of the major reasons was I didnt respect her anymore at all. It wasnt hate, it was complete contempt for how she lived her life.
So what what your facing is very serious indeed. It will affect you slowly over time more and more if she does nothing. I would suggest you attend counselling now before it gets worse. Sometimes people have to hear it from a neutral third person before they will do anything.
Also - my ex is losing weight now... :) at least she will be healthier to look after the kids.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Smileypants +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Aww I know exactly how she feels. I've only recently lost a significant amount of weight.
I agree with other posters...check into whether or not depression is a factor. It was for me, I was in a downhill sliding relationship and everything seems sad and hopeless then.
If you love her, encourage her. Flatter her, find something!! Confidence is HUGE in getting motivated to lose weight!!!
It's not cheap, but I've been using a local weight clinic. I get B vitamin injections, appetite supressants, and a high protein/low carb diet to follow. I've lost 33 lbs (and LOTS of inches) in 3 months :o) having it come off fast and seeing results keeps me motivated to keep going, and makes it not seem so overwhelming. The minute she loses enough to go buy something new and feel cute in it, is the moment she'll be hooked on losing more! I'd say it takes about 20 lbs for that. So you want those first 20 lbs to come of fast!!
It's not trivial. Hopefully you two can get back on track :o)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 First off, your problem isn't trivial. And it is not less of a problem than other things, it is in fact quite serious. Loss of attraction towards your partner is serious. It isn't shallow either. Just wanted to say that. You can't brush this under the carpet like something you just need to get over either, because it is as much a problem to her as it is to you, and it poses a threat to your marriage.
I must first ask you, as she made a serious attempt at losing the weight and getting back in shape? Both of your children were large, ok, but that doesn't mean much now that they are out of her body. The problem rather was that she gained too much weight during her pregnancies, which is what caused the babies to be large. There is such a thing as a normal weight gain when you are pregnant, and I am guessing she went over this line. This makes it more difficult for her to drop it, as she's got more to drop.
Also being larger makes you feel like it is impossible to do anything about it, and even if you do work out, change isn't visible, at least not to the person themselves. It takes months and months and years to really see a change. You can't expect it over night, which might be what is de-motivating to your wife. Unless she's given a serious attempt to lose weight, she can't say it doesn't work. However if she only tried for a bit, didn't see a change right away, she might think "it doesn't work".
The other question I have for you is: has she had post partum depression? This is a serious case of depression, that occurs more frequently in women after giving birth. I'm not saying she has it, or has had it, but if this is the case her weight and motivation needs to be seen in the light of the depression. She will also need more than a few encouraging words if this is the case. A doctor should be consulted if you have suspicions of it.
The last thing I will say is that consulting a doctor in any case could be the way to go. You can ask your own doctor for advice on what to tell your wife, or you can go together to the doctor to get information about weight gain during pregnancies, how much is normal to gain, and if it is possible to work it off. Then also discuss diets and changes that can be made. It is often advised to consult with your doctor before making dramatic changes in your diet.
Talk to her about it, with no hints, and no small comments here and there. A real proper discussion where you try to do as much listening as you can, to understand this from her point of view. Try to work at it together, rather than her needing to "fix herself up". You helped make her pregnant after all, I think you will do fine (and I think you actually want to as well) to try to work at this WITH her. Talk about it, discuss it, talk about post partum depression, talk to a doctor. Work out a plan on how to proceed.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 HI
It's not trivial, because it's effecting your marriage.
Im guessing she is feeling very depressed about her weight gain, so no matter how nicely you put it too her, in effectivly your telling her she is fat. She has lost her mojo, and she needs to get this back. Dont judge other peoples wives because some women dont even have to lift a finger and their weight drops off them, their the lucky ones. But at the same time dont hate yourself, we all have our veiws on what we like to look at. Why dont you ask her what is bothering her? not the weight . She may have something else on her mind, which is why she is turning to food for comfort? Just say honey you dont seem yourself any more, you used to be so active and enjoy going places, but lately you seem to be down . There must be something I can do to bring that old spark back into your eyes. Because she could be suffering from post natal depression YES even four years later, because if it wasn't dealt with at the time, it just gets worse and worse.
hope thats helped xx
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