A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend is cheating on me but I have no proof. We have been together for 2.5 years. Probably within the past 5-6 months our relationship has changed drastically and it hasn't gotten any better. I am feeling so unwanted and alone. I feel like we are losing our connection. When we are at home, he just buries his nose in his phone on Facebook. It's hard to have any kind of conversation with him when he is on his phone. He takes long bathroom breaks, 2-3 times a day....with the door open but he is in there a good 20-30 minutes scrolling through his phone. Sometimes when I get up close to him, he exits off whatever he was on his phone and it's back to his home screen...I have mentioned this to him that it makes me suspicious and he said he wouldn't do it anymore but he still does...Today around 5 (while he was in the bathroom), he said his friend called him so he walked out of the house and called him back outside. About 10 minutes later he came in and said he was going to play cards. This is something he does about twice a month....but NEVER on a Saturday. I thought we were going to dinner tonight together but he insisted he go play cards with his friends and it really hurt my feelings. He knew it did too...I never just stay at home alone on a Saturday night, we are always together that night. Well he rushed upstairs, took a shower, shaved, and did his hair. He does this when he usually goes out with his friends, but lately when he goes out with me he won't shave for me....It's just these small things lately that are making me grow more and more suspicious. If he is seeing someone else, I'd rather him just tell me so I can deal with it and move on. I don't know what to do. He is not as intimate as he was when we were first together. We rarely have sex anymore. All of these things makes me think he is seeing someone else..He has kids that I have developed a strong bond with. Sometimes I feel I am just being strung along for the sake of them because I don't feel the love anymore. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2019): Have you thought about therapy? It may help - if you can't afford it or don't have the time then try an app called Relish. My partner and I use it and have found it very helpful. You answer some questions and it gives you things you can do tailored to you to help your relationship,articles and access to a life coach. You can do it by yourself or with your partner. It's not free but much cheaper than therapy. Good luck!
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 August 2019):
 It does seem a little odd, maybe doesn’t directly mean he’s cheating but I can understand your suspicions for sure. It sounds like he’s grown bored of the relationship or his feelings are starting to die off obviously neither are a great outcome therefore you need to start thinking what’s best for you.
Personally I would sit him down, tell him to put the phone down as you need a serious conversation. Tell him how he’s making you feel, that you feel unloved and let him share his side of the situation. Give him a chance to change his ways, if he doesn’t then he obviously doesn’t love you or care for you anymore, if he won’t even have the conversation then that says all you need to know as well.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 August 2019):
 Why are you still around when there's almost nothing on offer for you? He's dodgy and treating you like crap, the sex is non existent as is the communication, he prioritises his so called "friends" more than you, and Facebook is more important for him than his time with you.
In your place, I'd walk. That would teach him a lesson. Why are you waiting for HIM to break up with you? Do it first! Please spare yourself the misery and unnecessary drama that this loser brings to the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019): Typo corrections:
"You're an awful person!"
"He's scared of being more adult, or taking-on more responsibility."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019): "I have mentioned this to him that it makes me suspicious and he said he wouldn't do it anymore but he still does..."
Let's pretend you're my daughter, and you asked me for advice. It's a little tough to swallow, but it comes from the heart.
If you want to open a dialogue about your feelings and concerns regarding your relationship; it might be more effective to address your concerns without being accusatory. File the accusations in your pending-folder!
Even if he is cheating, to tell someone you're suspicious of them will only place them on the defensive and high-alert. They'll become even more secretive and dodgy. He'll become increasingly conscious of covering his tracks, and contriving more convincing stories to throw you off.
Pre-pack a bag to stay with a friend, family-member, or your parents. Schedule a time for an undisturbed sit-down conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him it is important. If he hems and haws, or avoids you altogether. Leave! Take some time-off with no prior notification, explanation, or warning. Just go! No drama, no theatrics, no fight, and no tears. Pickup your dolls and dishes and bolt! This is a one-time deal, not a habit. It loses effect done again! He'll pick fights to make you do it. Listen now, don't be a dummy! If you've done this before...forgetaboutit!
If all goes well, and he agrees to talk, ask him to shutoff his phone. Simply tell him you've been feeling "concerned" about things; and particularly about the way your relationship has been going "most-recently." Avoid speaking in past-tense, it leads to repetitive-arguments. You feel neglected and taken for-granted. Spit it out! Use your words. Be calm and control your emotions. Tears, snot, and dribble will give him an excuse to run and answer a phone-message; or brush you off with a condescending and insincere-promise to do better. A polite way to shut you up, and end any further conversation that he knows is leading-up to "what he's doing wrong!"
Express your feelings and needs assertively; and then you can suggest how you've noticed the way things have changed regarding this and that.
Address each concern specifically. (Keep the list short!!!) Lack of affection, suddenly leaving following phone-calls, toilet-texting, and a constant string of unexplained/unidentified phone-calls, or messages. Explain how that makes you feel set-aside and ignored. Ask him to be honest, and actually talk with you about it; don't brush you off.
Ask him to tell you how he feels about the relationship. You want the long-version; and you promise to listen without interrupting. Then actually listen. You've said your piece. Now hold your peace. Be calm! Take it like a woman!
Inform him that you need the truth, or you'll be forced to assume the worse. You can't accuse anyone without solid-evidence. Suspicion is just suspicion...it means you don't really have any proof! It's a fear with no basis, founded on a feeling. It would upset you to be accused of anything you didn't do. Not to say you shouldn't trust your gut and better-judgement. I mean you should form conclusions based on facts, proof, and truth.
This will sound old-fashioned; but it bears wisdom and some fact. People insist on living together before marriage. In most, but not all cases, women do it with the hopes it will allow them to become more acquainted and bonded as a couple. Over time, the relationship will evolve and lead to the next step. In general, men see the convenience and practicality. You have sex right there when you want it. You have help with the bills. You don't have to worry about other guys stealing your woman; because she's right-there where you can see her. It beats running back-and-forth. Plus all the wifely-benefits; if she cooks, cleans like a white-tornado, has her own job, and her own car! Bonus...if she's freaky in bed!
After a couple of years have rolled-by, she doesn't see a ring or proposal in the near-future. Then she suggests they start discussing having kids and saving for a mortgage. With the hidden-intent to manipulate him into some form of a commitment he can't easily walk-away from; but she'll pretend she doesn't want anything on "paper" to make their relationship seem contractual or confining. Hoping it will ease his tensions and flight-instincts about combining their credit, or having illegitimate-kids. Yes, I used the archaic-term "illegitimate." Outside of wedlock, no legitimized-birthrights, and an uncommitted sperm-donor! If he already has kids, that's enough! He doesn't want more mouths to feed!
He'll feel content with things just the way they are! Even somewhat bored, but he still has sex available when he feels like it. The thing is, it's the same person and the same vagina. Social media is the devil! It keeps temptation in-your-face 24/7!
Porn is everywhere and easily accessible. An alternative to the same-ole vagina; but better than outright-cheating. When you want to make something wrong seem right, rationalize! Hey guys, it's cheating if it effects your sex-life, or masturbation replaces sex with your committed-partner! Selfishness is the order of the day. Entitlement and a puffy-ego justifies putting yourself ahead of her needs in your relationship. Tell her you love her, that's your magic-potion to stun or immobilize her intellect for a few! The spell wears-off, cowboy! Then what?!!
You'll lie to continue-on getting or doing what YOU want. Being secretive adds more spice, intrigue, and thrill to being dishonest with your mate. Being a creative-liar becomes your best survival-skill! That and being an artful-dodger when she wants to talk about things.
Be that the case, you are a certified and unmitigated dick! You deserve erectile-dysfunction! One testicle should get stuck-up in your abdomen! You're and awful person!
That soliloquy was an opportunity to teach a few fellas what their missing-daddies haven't taught them!
Now for the ladies!
Pretty-girls are all over the internet posing half-naked, provocatively, and taking sexy-selfies! Liking everything he says or does! An oversized sense of entitlement demands you take what you want! A taken-guy is the proverbial forbidden-fruit! Test his faithfulness against your hotness! He's already broken-in, and ripe for the picking! If he turns from his girlfriend; that boosts your feminine-ego! What goes around comes around too!
Over the last 20-30 years, technology and social media has penetrated itself into our lifestyles and daily-living. Messaging replaces human and personal-interaction. That makes people less skillful at communicating, inept at expressing their feelings, and inherently impatient; because of a generous supply of emojis! Messaging creates shortcuts and easy escape! Placing less emphasis on being kind or sensitive. It thereby helps to avoid confrontation, or deep-conversations that might include criticism or demands. Are you feeling me here, sweetheart?
He still loves you; but he's bored with the faux married-life. He is bored with the domestication and feeling complacent as a couple. He wants to venture-out with the boys like he did when he was single. He's scared you're thinking about something more serious, and watching your biological-clock. You've been hinting about the future, trying to get closer, and he's pulling-away. He's scared of being more responsible and adult, or taking-on more responsibility.
Therefore, he's running and finding other distractions to stay-away from the topic of "the next step!" He's getting the "vibe" from you, pressure from his parents, and the calendar. Each birthday tells him he has long run-out of boyhood; so he has desperately taken to hanging with buddies, looking at pics of chics online, and trying to cling to his arrested-development. He's not necessarily cheating, though he's tempted, but he misses being single and free to do as he pleases. You represent complacency, faithfulness to one vagina, maturity, and the big question of...where is this damned relationship heading?
Decide what is best for you. He already knows what being married to you might feel like. Maybe he's just scared. You need to talk, and get-around any suspicion. It's time to be two adults deciding where their futures are heading. My guess is that he is avoiding you, and he senses your concern about the relationship. I also think he misses singleness!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 August 2019):
 Investigate before confronting. If you accuse without enough proof they will just go underground more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2019):
 Yep, you need to sit him down (when the kids aren't around) and have a talk. DO NOT start the conversation with "I think you are cheating" - it will only lead to unnecessary drama.
Tell him how you feel like he is shutting you out and that you don't really feel he is as interested in this relationship anymore.
Listen to what he has to say. Go from there.
I know it sucks when you have gotten so close to his kids, but you can't STAY with him for them, if HE isn't into you and you feel unloved.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 August 2019):
 Regardless of whether your boyfriend is cheating or not, your relationship is not good and you are not happy.
In your shoes I would not be fixating on whether he is cheating or not but would be trying to work out whether you actually want to try to save this relationship or whether it has just reached its expiration date and it is time to move on. (His kids are no reason for you to stay.)
You need to TALK to him about how unhappy you are. It looks like he is taking you and your relationship very much for granted. Things will not change (except to deteriorate even further) unless YOU take back control of your life. Say nothing and nothing will change. The ball is in your court.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019): Sadly, my dear, it appears that you wish you and your boyfriend were joined at the hip. Men need space. A lot of women do as well. The more you try and smother him, the harder he will struggle. It doesn’t sound like he is cheating. People can grow complacent after a certain amount of time together. What are your hobbies? Focus on these. Be unavailable to him sometimes because you are so busy with your own life.Do you live together? If so, change the routine every now and again. How long have you spent every Saturday night together? I love spending time with my husband but reserving every Saturday night for him would get tedious for me after a while! Relax. Enjoy your own life. Communicate with your partner in a calm, considered manner. Don’t wait until your feelings overwhelm you before you say something..
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