A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 4yrs. There have been several times when we argue about how things are not equal in the relationship. I work and stays at home. Naturally, I would expect things to be done when I get home from work and they aren't. Over the past 2yrs, she has devoloped a low self esteem and just doesn't want sex anymore and pushes me away when I try to get her in the mood. This constant pushing away has made me feel un-attractive and just not want to try anymore to get her in the mood. There is a woman at work that has recently shown an interest in me and over the past couple weeks, my attraction to her has grown to where all I can think about is this other woman. I dont feel that this is grounds for divorce but I dont know how much longer I can pretend to be happy at home. Someone please help me and give me some advice.
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at work, divorce, in the mood, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): "I dont feel that this is grounds for divorce but I dont know how much longer I can pretend to be happy at home."This is the thing. you should not "pretend to be happy at home." Clearly there's a big problem so you need to speak up about it!! Problems in relationships don't blow over by themselves - they stay and get worse unless action is taken to address them. How else can things improve unless someone does something different? And how can your wife know what to do if you don't verbalize what you are feeling? she can't read your mind. No where in your post did you mention having talked to her about these issues, you just say that she has problems and pushes you away and makes you feel unattractive and unhappy.Another thing is that you have realized that your wife has self esteem problems that has killed her sex drive. Yet, you say that this makes you feel unattractive. Sounds like maybe you have some self esteem issues yourself (i.e. you have some personal issues of your own to work through) and that this new woman who shows you interest is boosting your ego and that's why you are so drawn to the new woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): It sounds like your wife has depression and self esteem issues. It can be extremely difficult to be married to someone with depression, it makes the other spouse's life hell. Studies have shown that marriages deteriorate when one spouse is depressed and it can cause depression in the other spouse who previously did not have depression.
Your wife needs help.
It's not right for you to pursue anyone else while you're still married, but clearly your wife isn't meeting your needs and you are very unhappy. You are ripe for an extra marital affair.
Thus, please get your wife to some professional counseling before it's too late.
If your wife refuses to get help for herself and still continues to not meet your needs driving you to be extremely unhappy all the time, then in my opinion this IS grounds for divorce. Depression or not, self esteem issues or not, she is still one half of the marriage and has the responsibility to make an honest effort on her part to keep your relationship alive. If she doesn't get help for herself, she is not even trying to do her part to maintain the marriage.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (17 December 2010):
first things first, stop looking at other women. You have a wife and the two of you could easily work through this.
Your wife does sound like she may be suffering from mild depression, probably best not to go home and say "your depressed thats why you do nothing" but sit her down and have a chat and find out what is wrong, dont argue and even if she gets a little upset or angry try to stay calm.
if you can keep your calm you may find she will open up to you more, she might feel a little neglected or like she has given up her indepedance to be a live at home wife. This can sometimes happen and women start to feel like they are losing their own identity.
Is there a reason why she is at home? do you have children?
maybe once she has explained what is wrong you can come to a compromise.
I can understand why you feel like your at work all day and so she should have everything done at home but if she is depressed this may take a while to get it to happen.
Admittedly we have the same problem with my mum, she gets depressed about the level of house work she has to do so rather than doing what she could she found it so overwhelming that she did nothing. we took away all of her tasks except one and we did the rest, it was hard because we worked. then once she was feeling a little in control again we gae her one chore back at a time and now she is back in a frame of mind where she can cope, this may work for you but you need to be patient.
You also need to stop looking at this other lady, the grass is not greener on the other side, concentrate more on what made you fall in love with your wife and then try to get your relationship back on track
make her feel special again, take her out to the cinema, for a drink, to the restaurant. she may be feeling a little like a skivvy and could use the pampering, attention and compliments.
rather than looking at other ladies, look at your wife and see what you love in her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Ah. You have an imbalanced relationship because she is supposed to have a job at home yet you feel, as her supervisor, that she is not fulfilling the job description. So now, you want to fire her and find a replacement.
I think you need to discuss the job responsibilities and job description again. She may feel, based on the vows you said to each other, that she's working from a different point of view on this. She may think that you two decided to share a life together and work through things for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
Your wife is depressed. She's unhappy with herself and how things are but she is stuck. If I'm right, it's a medical condition and she needs treatment. What that treatment is depends on her doctor and her symptoms. You need to get her into that doctor, prepare the doctor with your observations and then let her be examined and see what's what.
Only four years? Your wife is unhappy and you are already looking for her replacement? I know, you work hard and are trying to support her and make her happy. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she needs you now more than ever, and that you are completely ignoring her desperate state, because you are not getting laid? She doesn't want to have sex because she doesn't feel good. She needs support and help.
Sorry to add another thing for you to do on your list, but it's now time for you to see life through her eyes for a bit. Just long enough to figure out what would be best for her, which would presumably also benefit you.
She may need a shock to get her to go, but don't tell her it's another woman. The trust in you will be destroyed and I think you two may still have a chance if you are prepared to look at this like a disease to be cured instead of a job vacancy to be filled.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Georgi-rae +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Try talking to your wife, tell how you feel,tell her you would like stuff done when you come home, or reason with her and say on (for example) monday,wednesday and friday i would like the dinner cooked.Try and find out what is wrong with her.maybe go on a weekend away after christmas just you and talk to each other spolie your wife make her feel like the women in the world. to regards about the other women, dont even think about having an affair, think about your wife, and how much she would hurt when she finds out. if you really loved your wife you wait until she isready to have sex, and if you do try and get her in the mood and she doesnt wont to respect her wishes, without getting moddy with her. But at the end of the day there really isnt any need for a divorce!
Hope everything turns out okay for you.. God bless. Georgi-rae (from England)
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