A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to a great guy. Treats me better than I feel I deserve sometimes. We've been together for 5 years. We met when I was 19 he was 21. He had been engaged to a girl he had dated sense high school. She cheated on him and they broke up. Not long after that we met through a mutual friend. We began dating about 6 months after we met. When I look back now we do move fast! He asked me to marry him 2 years later. We were living together at that time and I knew that's what I wanted. He had all the qualities that I want in a husband. We had our fights just like any other relationship. But eventually things changed. I turned 21 and I started to question everything. I had never been a big party person. Had never been in a "serious" relationship before my fiance and I started to worry that I was jumping into something that I wasn't ready for. I was wanting my space and my fiance didn't understand what was wrong. I moved out about a year after being engaged. I told him that I needed my space I need time to grow up and to really find out what I wanted out of life. What I wanted to be, who I was without him. This hurt him terribly and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I felt selfish, still do, and it was so hard to hurt him when he never did a thing to me but love me for exactly who I was at that time. So bascially for the past 2 years I've been in this horrible situation of not knowing if I'm just scared or I don't really want this. I love him without a doubt one of the best people I've ever met. But "in love" I don't know so much anymore. We have tried for 2 years now to fix our relationship. Now whether or not we both have put everything we had into it.... I don't know. But then again should it be that hard to make it work? Things arn't the same. I really don't feel that he "gets" me any more. I don't feel that "spark" any more between us. And I'm sure that some of it is because I've hurt him and he's scared to put his self out there again and me hurt him. But how do we get past that? We have tried and I just don't know what to do anymore. 2 years ago when I left he told me he would wait on me, take all the time I needed, he loved me and always would. And he couldn't give up on me! And he still tells me that but I know that he's getting tired and wondering if it's ever going to be the same again. I know that I'm going to have some people that think I'm wrong for what I've done but I'm prepared for that I know that I'm posting this for anyone to read and everyone will have there opinions. But honestly I don't know what else to do. My family and friends say that I have to follow my heart and that I am the only one that can make the decision but I've tried that for 2 years and I just can't seem to figure it out. I have an amazing man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I'm questioning it. I know he loves me never once doubted it I know I'd be taken care of and loved but would I be happy? Can we work through this? Should I keep trying or let me him go? It's scary to imagine being without him he's been such a big part of my life for 5 years and to really think about not having that scares the hell out of me! Any advice I will listen to and appreciate.
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female
reader, Roses101  +, writes (24 May 2012):
I read this post and it is exactly what I am going through. I have a great guy who wants to be with me but something is just making it hard on my end to commit or feel that spark. I think Tisha-1 said it best for me, if you ignore these feelings you will end up unhappy in the long run. I'm curious how this one turned out? Maybe it can help with my situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): The spark will never last forever. It will never be the same as it was in the beginning.
You have ruined this relationship because you don't feel a "spark" any more. Little do you know, is that you will next enter into a new relationship, which will be amazing at first. But sure enough, the "spark" will fade again.
You will continue this cycle until you are old and one day you will realize that you had better just marry your next partner so you do not become a 50 year old unmarried menopausal woman.
You will then be stuck with someone who wasn't as good as the first guy, and that you will probably be unhappy with. You will have sacrificed true love for the fading of an illusive "spark," that is more imaginary that not.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (15 January 2009):
 I read your post and can't agree more with Tisha's answer. I feel like you are scared to be completely without him more-so than you are in love with him. I can't say anything better than Tisha though, lol. Follow her advice!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 January 2009):
 Hi, you are in a bad spot, aren't you? I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to offer my observations based on your information; do what you will with them.
You'e 24, you're young, but not too young to contemplate the big step of marriage.
It sounds like you've only ever had him as a serious boyfriend, and haven't dated much before then? And it sounds like you haven't been dating on this semi-break you're on? That's not entirely clear to me.
He sounds like a guy who wants a commitment and is happy to make one, if he was engaged at 21 to his high school sweetheart. He sounds very patient. Either that, or he hates taking risks.
What does the comment about you not being a party person mean? Do you feel the need to party now, or is he a party person, and you're not interested in it. You brought it up, and it deserves clarificiation.
So you moved out 2 years ago, in order to grow up and find out what you want independent of him. Maybe also to find out if you really needed him? I don't see that you've accomplished that goal. Have you grown up, or are you just coming to realize that we spend our entire lives growing up? And have you found out what you want? It doesn't sound like it to me.
I think you're suffering from a case of the 'shoulds'. I 'should' love this guy! I 'should' know what I want by now! I 'should' be with him, that's what would make sense. I 'should' because he's a great guy. Etc. You get the idea?
The fact of the matter is that you don't really want to commit to him. You have grown apart, yes, it is probably because you moved out and hurt him. But I don't think that you would have been happy if you'd stayed either. That void, that unknown yearning inside you would still have been there, you just would have been squashing it. It would have surfaced at some time, I think.
You should never marry someone just because you think you 'should'. That's not going to be enough in the long run.
I think that while you love and deeply care about this guy, you're not ready to commit because there's something missing. I don't know what it is, you have to figure that out for yourself.
I think it would be fairer to him to let him go and find a girl who will be able to commit fully and with her whole heart and all her enthusiasm. From what you've written of him, don't be surprised if he finds another girl fairly quickly. There might be someone already hovering on the edge, watching this and waiting for you two to split up. He might not be aware of her, but I'll bet she's there.
So where does that leave you? It leaves you free to go and find your bliss and your true companion. Maybe your current guy is it, but you haven't really ever been entirely on your own. He's always been there like a safety net. You've been living in a little bundle of cotton wool, safe from the jabs and piercings that life delivers.
Remove that safety net, and you'll probably get a clearer view of what's important to you and what you've truly been waiting for. You may just realize that he IS the one.
So you can keep on living in this limbo, working through it in the same way you have been for the past two years. Or you can get out there and experience life as a really and truly single woman.
The unknown is scary. Do you have the courage to really encounter yourself?
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A
male
reader, Brutally Honest +, writes (15 January 2009):
Relationships can be work. It's kind of like cocaine in the sense that you will never get the feeling you had of that first hit (so I've heard). It sounds to me that you don't feel the same. He's clinging on to you, but he's clinging on to the old you. The idea of what you used to be. I broke up with my gf last year for basically the same reasons. I love who she is, I love that she loves me so much, I love that she does basically everything for me, but I felt like, I'm 23, I can't be married right now. You can only hang out with someone so many consecutive days before you get burned out and we all know that going to parties with someone you're in a relationship with is completely different. They follow you everywhere, and even if you had no intention of cheating, it just changes how you experience the whole scene. He was a little quick to pop the question in my opinion, but based on his past relationship, I can see that its a trend. He seems like a simple guy. He has accepted you for what you are, but he doesn't know better, he just want's someone in general and you're still good enough for him. This comes down to you basically. You broke up two years ago...you're lingering. You either have to put the effort in to building it back up or you need to cut all ties and move on. We all get stuck in comfort mode and that's what selfish is. Selfish isn't breaking up with someone so you can find out what you want. Selfish is making them come along for the ride and giving them the idea that you could still be, when deep in your heart you know its over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): I FEEL YOUR PAIN GIRL! and have a similar situation of my own…which i have since overcome
i'm 22 and i've been w/ my boyfriend for four years…he proposed, but i told him that i wanted to wait until after college graduation…i wonder sometimes if the spark is lost…open communication…being honest w/ your feelings w/ one another…that is the best thing that you could do…however, if the spark really is gone, then you're gonna have to work at getting it back…try to find a new hobby that the two of you could start doing together, something neither of you might normally do…be adventurous…do something super romantic for one another…
if there's no getting it back though, then you're gonna have to face the facts…it would def. be REALLY hard to quit a long-term relationship…but you also don't want to end up in an unhappy marriage either, ya know…you hear about older couples who are unhappily married…they won't split up b/c the don't want to be alone, the relationship has become habitual, they don't think they can find anyone else…
i say don't give up…you've invested this much time into it…he loves and cares about you, that is the main thing…you say you love him, but might not be "in love" (i've wondered about that myself in my own relationship)…i think it's an intimacy thing…he probably needs to compliment you more and show you more love emotionally and physically…tell him how you feel…
this is how i see it…all relationships have their ruts…life is a roller-coaster…and what's to say that you wouldn't fall right back into this same situation that you are in right now with any other guy…all relationships get have the potential of becoming stale
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female
reader, sexylette +, writes (15 January 2009):
 I think that if you really love him then you need to try! If you guys were meant to be then things will work out. Maybe your just scared right now you need to follow your heart. because YOUR the ONLY one that knows whats right for you. so listen to your heart; listen to what its telling you.! and as your headline says "I don't feel the spark any more" maybe you just need to talk to him about it and see what you can do to make things like they used to be! or maybe you should try sum couples therapy??!! Well that's my advice I hope it help you!! If it did please email me back.!!Good luck hun .!
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male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (15 January 2009):
 You've left him waiting for 2 years? That's kinda harsh. I can understand why you're scared, you've basically only been with him so you feel like you haven't really lived right? You kinda wanna know what else is out there but if you love him then be with him. I understand that the spark is fading but if you truly loved once then that means it's possible to get that back. You just have to make things like they were before in order to get back what you have lost. My suggestion to you is to go on vacation with him, just the two of you. It doesn't even have to be to a romantic destination. The whole point is to have fun with one another, when you have fun you will likely feel love.
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