A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Where do I start?! My problem seems so silly but it's got me so confused about what I want with my life.I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We're perfectly suited in every way apart from he's just not horny! At all. I've tried so many things to liven him up but it's gotten to a point now where I just feel so unwanted sexually and it's getting me down and so frustrated.He's so good to me, and I feel guilty and shallow but without sex the relationship just feels wrong. He's not stressed or bored, in fact after trying out different ways to get him more in the mood I ended up telling him I'm tired of feeling like the horny one all the time! He was surprisingly ok with this he said it's always been this way with every girl. He finds me attractive and enjoys the sex we have it's just not a priority with him.But it is with me. I love kinky dirty sex all the time! He's so vanilla when it comes to that :(Don't get me wrong we do have sex about once a fortnight and he can get hard and he enjoys it when it happens but it's not enough for me. We've grown more and more distant and he broke up with me, but now wants to give things another shot but I'm not sure, I want to love him wholly but I can't imagine my life without sex the way I want it.I watch porn and masturbate a lot to vent these frustrations. I actually started chatting on sex rooms just to get off. I know that's not very good of me, I shouldn't talk to any other person about my sexual interests than my boyfriend but it just feels so good to have someone excited to get off with me! I met a guy on there, and we've progressively gotten to know one another. I trust him completely as I was very cautious to begin with but now we've really gotten to know one another. It's progressed to Skype and regular contact. It's quite a kinky dominating relationship online and it's the most fun I've had in a long time. However he's married with kids and lives in the USA. He's in a similar problem of loving his wife dearly but her not satisfying him. It's such a fucked up situation we really opened up to one another saying how hard it is to feel so sexually validated by one person and that not being the person you love and have a life with.I guess I don't know what the next step is. I wish this one part of me wouldn't be such a burden because I feel unnatural and dirty and ashamed for wanting this and stupid for giving up such a loving relationship for the sake of sex. The guy I met online just seems to perfect yet unattainable, but I can't imagine going back now to not having that person who adores all the kinky things about me!I'm not bothered about a string of one night stands or dating anyone else. I just want to have that loving relationship with the sex that I feel is important to meAny advice appreciated!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 Sex once per fortnight?! I would be absolutely climbing the walls! That's like giving a starving man one small carrot every three weeks. It's just not enough for someone with a healthy sex drive.
I agree - you're not sexually compatible. That's sad, but it is insurmountable. Most of the time, a sex drive only lessens in marriage or a long term relationship. Your online dalliances with this married guy is you trying to self-medicate, which in itself is very destructive.
Best thing to do is to tell your boyfriend how you're feeling, and part ways. Sure, it can be amicable, because he can't help how he is any more than you can. He needs someone with a lower libido is all, and you need a freak-master so the two of you can have an orgy of mutual adventurous sexual fulfillment.
But GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY stop messing with anyone who is married! Think about his kids and wife he's completely trashing and will devastate if they find out! This online married man is NOT perfect. He's a deplorable cheating pig of a man. Never ever date cheaters. He's a fantasy you're having.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2013):
 i agree that you are not sexually compatible and that is a decent reason to end the relationship and remain friends.
in fact, it's one of the ONLY reasons I can see to remain friends with someone.. cause that's all you are now.. friends...
the other option is to get permission from your partner to find other compatible people to have sex with while remaining with your partner.. NOT cheating... but an open sexual relationship.. which means all partners are open and honest and not cheating on others...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 I think that lack of sexual compatibility is a velid reason to terminate a relationship. It's far from foolish. We are made of mind and body and both have needs to be fulfilled. Same as it is indeed foolish to stay in a unhappy, troubled or emotionally unfulfilling r/ship just because the sex is great, so also the opposite is true : if there's affection, and you get along etc.etc.- but no sexual chemistry, - you are better off as platonic friends, and dragging things on would only foster regrets and resetments.
It sounds like you just have mismatched sex drives and preferences, it's not something that a doctor or a shrink could fix. Apparently your bf is not ill, impotent or asexual, he is just fine having vanilla sex twice a month . ( Which, yes, does not sound much at all for a guy his age, but personally I suspect he would have sex more often- perhaps not a lot more often, but somewhat- if only he he would not know / guess / imagine that he can't give you what you want , so every new encounter is basically... one more source of disappointment and frustration for you; therefore the avoidance. Not blaming you , mind you. Just saying that this is probably a depressing, uncomfortable situation for BOTH- only thet neither one can find the guts to say :this is not really working, let's call it quits ).
As for you cybersex partner. Oh come on. He is a fantasy. A masturbation tool for you as you are for him. He lives in USA. He is married. He is only good for sex.
If you want a relationship- that's not one. ( Btw, does not it bother you a little that you are helping him to cheat ? I know that you probably think that if he cheats , that's on him , you owe nothing to his wife and technically you are right, but, with all the single men of ANY sexual bend that there are around, on the Net and IRL, ... why not seeking another Sub/ Dom games partner ? ).
I think that you are unnecessarily pessimistic about your chances of finding a fulfilling relationship. Unless you are into something really extreme, your "kinky" is probably not as kinky as you think. I mean, there is a lot of people who like to be experimental and adventurous in the bedroom, at least occasionally- or that haven't tried yet but would be eager to ,with the right partner. People won't come out and tell YOU ( and rightly so ) what they do behind closed doors, but a little Sub/ Dom, role play, spanking, fetishes, dirty talk, rough sex and stuff like that ... is nothing to write home about for many people , particularly in these time of abundant porn watching.
Conclusion, go out there, find someone you click with, chances are he will be at leasts somewhat interested in your sex faves ,or you may get him interested... and maybe you'll find out that ,all in all , vanilla sex is the new kinky ,so your current bf is the really kinky one :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Things are clearly not okay with you and your boyfriend. He seems like he might love you dearly, but is one of those guys that just aren't always sexually driven. And unfortunately, it's never going to change - he said it happened with previous girls too. Either you accept it and live happily with that notion, or end things with him soon before he gets too attached and before the online sex thing progresses any further. I strongly suggest the latter, than living miserably with him and in turn, indirectly making HIM feel miserable and worthless in return. And then one thing. The guy online is married. With a family. The two of you are two people unhappy and sexually unsatisfied and in need of something different in your lives. But you really shouldn't be together. He has a wife to try sort this out with. You, on the other hand, have tons of single, attractive, fun and sexually adventourous guys to sort this out with! Just try find the right one :) You can, and will, as you seem a confidence and sexy woman. There are many other guys searching for the same thing with you. You just need to decide carefully. Good luck! :)
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