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female
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anonymous
writes: Question: I've been dating a guy off and on (mostly on) for about a year and a half, and it seems like things are going well enough. There are problems, but we're both in love. He's a good guy.Is it weird that he doesn't seem to worry much about my safety? Or am I paranoid, old-fashioned, and expecting way too much?I'm a young female professional and we've both just moved to a fairly large city that's new to both of us. (It's known for having one of the highest crime rates in the country.) We live a few miles apart. I don't mind taking the subway alone, but after 10:30 or 11, I don't think it's safe for me to walk, alone, for 8 or 9 blocks through a residential neighborhood that is a bit rough. (To give an example, the shops on the major street 2 blks away all close at 6pm and pull down solid metal barriers. That's not uncommon in countries I've traveled to, but in American cities, it's unusual.)Is it weird of me to think he should show a little concern? When I told him I was going to take a cab home, since it was almost 11, he was surprised, and it seemed like he thought I was overreacting. When it was 11:30 and I was ready to go get a cab, he acted like he was too tired to walk downstairs with me and wait on the street (again, a dark, fairly empty street that neither of us is very familiar with), to be sure I got a cab safely. When I explained that I didn't feel safe and wanted him to come with me, since I didn't know how long it might be until a cab drove past, he went ahead and got out of bed, put his shoes on and came down. It just bothers me that he had to be asked.I don't know what to make of it. He doesn't have sisters and I'm his first real gf, so I sometimes think he just hasn't thought about these things. Then again, he really does just seem so totally unconcerned about things any other guy I know would go out of his way to "protect" me on. (For example, almost any guy I know would offer to walk a few blocks out of the way to be sure I got home okay if it was after dark. At 1:30AM it would still rarely occur to my bf that he should offer to walk me home, even when I lived just a couple of blocks away from him.) Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (31 May 2006):
 As a female who could be described as slightly paranoid about things like that I know exactly how you are feeling.
A young woman should not be wandering alone on the streets like that at that time of night, especially when all he needs to do is come down stairs and wait with you for a few minutes.
I don't think you are overreacting - you are being cautious about your own safety which is not a bad thing.
Either your boyfriend doesn't see it as a big deal - did he grow up in a very safe area or a high crime area? Maybe his sister's never really were concerned about their safety and as a result, he has never thought that you might be.
Or he is just a jerk. I don't think you have had to have had a lot of experience with girls to know that its not really a good idea to send them outside to a dark, deserted street in a potentially high crime area at midnight by themselves.
At the end of the day you have to feel safe and if asking him to be a gentleman and walk you to a cab is what it takes to feel safe, then continue to ask him until he understands that you need that extra feeling of safety.
Though in saying that, I don't really think you should have to ask, he should just know to do it. Every guy I have ever dated as always walked me to my car at night (and during the day for that matter - its just manners), dropped me home or came and picked me up rather than walking or catching public transport late at night.
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