A
female
age
51-59,
*feelanaffair
writes:My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We had a good sex life until i had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I take no hormones and most time i dont want sex, but my husband takes no inititive. He barely even cuddles to me anymore. I have caught him masturbating in the middle of night when he thought i was sleeping. I didnt say anything i just pretended to stay asleep. I have found signs of him doing this regularly when im at work. What do I do? I dont feel loved or appreciated.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (12 August 2010):
What do you mean! what do you do? i would just come out and ask him hes your husband of 14 yrs i would want to know! that is a hurtful thing that he can masterbate but yet not touch you? i wouldn't be able to handle that at all. exspecially being married as long as you 2 have been! we get older and our bodies change our appearance ect,ect. but so do they. we say i do to stand beside one another to be there for one another to hopefully be there 4-ever w/ one another! so why don't you have the given right to feel comfortable about talking w/ him exspecially when you are hurting like you are! are you scared to hear his answer what he might say? so you'll just bury it and deal w/ it and let him lay there next to you and masterbate! why don't you one nite! when you catch him masterbating join in w/ him! what iam saying to you is you will not know how he feels or what is going through his head until you bring it out in the open.
Best Wishes!
A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (12 August 2010):
 I definitely agree with Moo's Mum; I think your husband misses the loving sexual relationship you two once had and I think it's a good idea to take steps to seek help. See a doctor, see a naturopath, read books on the subject; you're not alone in this.
That said, what other (non sexual) things do you two do together to be close? Do you do fun activities? Take walks? Experience new things? Trying new things (having adventures) is an excellent way to form and cement a loving bond with your mate, down to the chemicals that it produces.
You have to give love to get love. It's upsetting to not be in the mood because of a medical procedure you needed to get--I imagine you feel indignant, that it's not your fault, that you didn't want this result to--and to have him "taking care of himself" next to you in bed... but that's just it: he's taking care of himself, whereas you used to take care of each other. If you don't feel loved or appreciated, you can bet he doesn't either. So I think it's worth your while, worth everything, to make the effort to really shower him and shower your relationship with love and attention. I bet it will help.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 It's a catch 22 situation. Men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to want sex. When neither of those are being satisified both parties withdraw. One good thing if he's masturbating then he's probably not cheating. I recommend you see a naturopath and see what natural things you can take to get your hormones back on an even keel and start wanting sex again. Also please talk to your husband about this. He's probably feeling just as desparate as you are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Do you think that maybe he sees you don't want sex, and so he doesn't go there... he doesn't want to be rejected.
How often do you initate sex with him? It sounds like you want sex and intimacy back in your life... and in my experience they ususally go together for men in marriage.
I had a similar situaton after the birth of my first son.I was quite unwell and not interested in sex for nearly a year.When I caught my husband masturbating in bed, I did what you did. Then one night I rolled over and started to help him. No, I did not want sex, but I did want him to know that I wanted to be part of his pleasure. He was ecstatic! After that, instead of waiting until I was asleep, he would involve me.... and I found I was getting quite aroused by it. That built our sexual chemistry even more and got our love life back on track. It also had the effect that he wanted to be more intimate with me... because he knew I cared about him.
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