A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I’m a 42 year old successful single mother of two teenage daughters. I have been divorced for 9 years and focused all of my energy on raising my daughters alone. I own my own home, two cars and have been blessed enough to provide my children with whatever they need. I’m only being descriptive about my financial stability as it relates to my question and concern I have of my boyfriend. I have been dating the same guy for about 2 years off and on, we decided that he should move in when his lease expired which was about 3 months ago. We agreed we would split my mortgage payment, which is next to nothing – I paid mostly cash for my home. During the 3 months he has paid me his half, which is $550.00 but nothing else. He pays nothing for groceries, electricity, water, phone, internet or cable. I thought it would not make a difference because it is just him and his 10 year old daughter (every other weekend) but it actually is – I’m going through food and toiletries twice as fast. I don’t know how to approach him and I honestly need someone to tell me if I’m being petty about the entire situation. I feel like he uses me for everything – even if we are out of coffee he won’t buy it. It’s embarrassing that I have to approach him. I am building resentment as I feel like he’s a roommate mooching off of me and I don’t need this at my stage in life. I do make more money than him but I am also a “go-getter” and I work harder. He seems okay with his middle of the road job and is constantly saying how broke he is. Should I be concerned?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2014):
 I would have him contribute to the household but NOT pay YOUR mortgage.
I suggest you sit down with him and say "honey I thought we would be able to maintain the lifestyle I was used to based on you giving me XXX.XX. Sadly I see we need to sit down and revamp our household budget as I'm spending xx% more on food and heating and xxxxx."
Then gather all the household bills and sit with him and go over them and figure out how much he should be giving you towards running your joint household.
I can tell you that I get the frustration. My ex husband made much less than I do. I never stood my ground with him and he gave me only half of his take home pay. I should have done it differently. My current spouse moved in to my home that I had owned for 22 years. AFter he paid of 50k to reno the place I did add him to the mortgage but he was already contributing 100% of his paycheck to running our home.
You just need to sit him down and explain it to him. if he doesn't know that the bills have gone up he can't make adjustments to help pay the bills.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 February 2014):
 To be quite honest, and with all due respect to everyone else's answers, some of the comments have a very large double standard attached to them. Often times, men are the primary wage earners and their wives use their credit cards and money to buy all sorts of ridiculous stuff. But people just consider them typical housewives and don't even really bat an eye. Why is it different when it's the women who works and the man earns less?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 February 2014):
It really just depends on you. For me, I'm a go-getter myself, as I work and am putting myself through school. But I also won't mind buying the majority of things for me and my partner as long as I make enough money to do so.
Perhaps he is happy with his mid-grade job that pays only okay. And if you have a problem with it, that's okay. You're entitled to how you feel. And you're entitled to desire higher motivated individuals. you like what you like. However, this doesn't make him a bad guy. He probably just makes a lot less than you and might have a harder time affording these things that you get to appreciate.
You made a comment that your mortgage was next to nothing, then went on to say that half of it was 550. I realize I don't make much until I finish my law program, however 550 to me, at this moment isn't a tiny amount. Currently, I pay 470 for my portion of rent, and if I went much higher, I wouldn't be able to afford it. So maybe to you, 550 seems like nothing. But to the majority of Americans, it can be quite a bit.
I do think it's a bit crappy to use all the belongings and eat all the food and then magically wait for more to reappear. But maybe he's having a hard time financially since he moved in with you. Or maybe he doesn't think you care that much. as I said, to me, I plan on being the primary bread-winner of my household once I finish school. So buying all of these things would not bother me at all. But to some, it may be a real breaker.
Have you thought about a joint account from which you pay your bills from?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): You are not being petty. He shouldn't expect you to pay for all the utilities and provide food, he is taking advantage of the situation. Sit down and talk to him, don't put it off, this isn't fair and you'll built up even more resentment.
Don't let him use you like this. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2014):
 I agree with Auntie Em, I wouldn't ask for 50% of money towards the Mortgage - after all he won't OWN a part of the house if he does, for him it's just rent. I would ask for less them half. Maybe 1/4 ?
However, I would look at your budget and see how much EXTRA cost you have by having him live there. I'm not sure I think he should pay 50% - since the girls are "yours" and therefore YOUR (and your ex husband's) responsibility, but I would have him pay the difference from what it cost BEFORE he moved in on average and how much more you have to pay now. Let's say you and the girls bought $500 worth of food and with him it's closet to $750 - so he would have to chip in $250 for FOOD, I would also expect him to help pay the utilities - even if you don't use significantly more with him there - he still uses them. Maybe ask for 1/3?
How much did he pay before he moved in - did me buy dinners? Take you and the girls out? How high was HIS expenses when he lived on his own? I think the POINT of living together is not only to BE together but to BOTH save money - if you are now taking on a FAR bigger FINANCIAL burden, then it will create resentment.
It sounds to me like the two of you don't always communicate that well. If you told him all you wanted was HALF the mortgage, then that is all he FEEL like he should pay. You DO need to sit down - make a budget and SHOW him that it's costing your money to have him live there.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 A relative of mine used to live with a guy like this. Same scenario as you...successful single mom who worked her butt off to attain the great standard of living she enjoys today. Her live in bf was a moocher, much like your guy. He paid money towards the mortgage and that was it. All other expenses including vacations and his clothing were purchased by her. She ended up with quite a bit of debt because of him. She had the good credit rating so he relied on her to purchase things for him, with empty promises to pay her back. After 5 years of living together, he left her with a mountainload of debt, because he could not pay her back. He's now mooching off another woman. Oh and get this! He's now claiming that half the house is his because he paid towards the mortgage. What a loser!
She laments the fact that she was not more assertive with him from the start. Love is blind. You need to be more assrtive and tell him exactly what your expectations are. When it comes to money, either you give it away willingly without the expectation of having it repaid, or you lay down the law, even in writing, about what your expectations are. Forget manners or what the other person thinks of you. You are protecting your financial legacy for you and your kids, so set clear boundaries and expectations with regards to the sharing of finances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): He is a freeloader, moocher, whichever way you look at it. What man with a decent amount of self respect moves in with a girlfriend,brings his daughter along as well every second weekend, and only pays a small contribution to a mortgage (although I would call this "rent" or something else to avoid him thinking he's buying a share of your house). Food and other expenses should be shared in proportion to consumption at the very least. Certainly, he may be comfortable with the situation, but you are clearly not but you are enabling him to keep doing it the way it is. So sit him down and have a talk. You will soon see whether he was just a bit confused on what was expected,and whether he is willing to accept a change in his contribution. If he was just using you to avoid paying his own bills, you'll know that too, because he won't be happy to change. This should have been agreed before he moved in, but better late than never. Either way things must change, you're not feeling resentful for nothing. And if he is a user he's not likely to volunteer either. So its up to you to have that talk and clarify the issue, and then wait for his reaction. And then you can act accordingly. You've worked hard for yourself and your kids, don't let someone that's been "on and off" get away with using you.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 I do not know how expensive groceries and utilities are in the US, I am guessing similar to here in the UK although food is much more expensive here. I think if I asked someone to move in with me who I was 'on and off' with for 2 years, I don't think I would involve them in the mortgage payment. I'd more likely use that $550 towards utilities and he could buy his own food,then if things don't work out, I could say goodbye without too much hassle.
Your post comes across as very resentful but it is annoying if someone is freeloading off you. If it was someone you were madly in love with, it probably wouldn't bother you so much but it's clear to see that you and this guy are forcing things to work out and that just isn't happening.
I respect that you are a go getter who has worked hard for what she has (I am like that myself) but you probably need to date someone who is on an even footing with you job/finances wise. This guy is in a lower paid job and he may be content with that (and more so whilst living under your roof)..perhaps if he was financing his own home, he'd be more motivated...or maybe he's just happy with the level he is at.
Going on what you have said, it's probably time to tell him things arn't working out. It's unlikely he's going to turn into a money making generosity machine over night (if ever) so how much more resentment are you going to grow before you say goodbye?
Perhaps you guys are better living apart.
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